Tired....Emotional

Dear Mom,

It has been pretty rough lately. I think I'm just tired and run down. The running around has definitely started again. And you have become a bit more clingy, which for some reason has become hard for me. Whether it's coming into the living room while I am trying to get a little nap in, to "talk" to me. Or whether it's coming downstairs to sit for a little while with me while I try to relax, get on the computer, and watch some TV. It usually doesn't last long because you love your Hallmark channel and I am usually watching something else that you get tired of sooner or later. But while you're down here I am not able to write these notes to you, or other things because I can't use the computer. You have been wanting to go with me more if I am going someplace or getting something quickly, you want to come at least just sit in the car. So, maybe it's just losing a little of that independence that I was used to having that is hard for me. I also think part of it is emotions. This year for some reason, more than the past couple of years, I have really been missing pappy. Last week, during Thanksgiving break, I was playing bowling on the Wii, and I did a certain move that reminded me of him. You know that was his game and he was great at it. He would do this little move to the side and kinda let out a little "oohh", as he hoped to make a spare. That's what I did. Lou Rawls came on the radio singing a Christmas song the other night and I choked up remembering how everyone used to say pappy looked like him. I heard Ray Charles singing "The Spirit of Christmas", again it brought me to tears. The first time I heard that song, I have to say, I kinda didn't like it and made fun of it. But the other night I just enjoyed his distinctive voice, and the sweet message of the song. It reminded me of when I was little and pappy gave me his 8-track player and one of the 8-track tapes was Ray Charles, and my favorite song was "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay". Such memories. I have heard some other Christmas songs talking of families and treasuring those moments and it makes me think of you and pappy. I am so glad that I didn't take Christmas 2007 for granted, and made him the special picture of Big Papi that he really liked. I just don't want to get so worn out and worn down that I don't enjoy this time with you! I feel guilty thinking that I want more "me" time, but then again I also know I need it. Last night, you were just sitting on the edge of your bed, when I asked you what you were doing you said, "I'm just looking at my husband's picture." Then you broke down on my shoulder. I tried to stay strong for you, but we both cried. You said, "Sometimes I just need to cry." I told you I agreed because you don't normally do that. I did cry, but held back, then when I took Bella out, I really let myself cry. It's just been so tough. You had a rough morning this morning. For the second morning in a row you had an accident. I was rushing because I had already gotten a little bit of a late start. I changed the bed, then went to get ready. As I was getting ready, I thought I heard you call me. I went to the bathroom to see what was wrong. You were sitting on the toilet seat putting your clothes on. You were trying to pull up your stockings, but had leaned over and couldn't get yourself back up. I sat you up, but you still seemed pretty weak. I helped you get your stockings up, your socks on and your pants up as well. I also got a drink of water for you because you just seemed so weak. At that point, I just texted the school secretary to tell her I was going to be late to school. I probably would have just taken the day off if I weren't subbing for someone. But once you had the water you seemed better. I made you drink the whole cup. You were finally able to get up, but I wasn't leaving you until after you had eaten breakfast and were safely back in bed, and I made sure you were really OK. I made breakfast for both of us, watched you get back in bed and finally finished getting ready. Thankfully you did fine the rest of the day! I called to check on you and when I did you told me the homemaker/companion was there. That also made me feel better. I got home in the afternoon and you were your normal self. We had a good night, you ate a good dinner and you of course had to have your dessert, but this time I had apple pie to go with your ice cream. Of course you were pretty excited about that! I'm glad to see you doing better tonight. Although I'm a bit tired and emotional, I don't want to miss any special times with you! I hope through the emotions and tough times, we will have a wonderful holiday season together. I don't want to take one moment for granted. I love you!