Sometimes I Wonder

Dear Mom,

Today is pappy's birthday. He would have been 78. I don't think you remembered at all, but I didn't want to bring it up because I didn't want you to be more sad. You have seemed pretty sad lately at some points. It breaks my heart to see you that way. But I have been very sad, too this holiday season. It's just hard not to really be able to share it with you. Christmas night we did sit in the living room for a little while with the tree lit and Bella in between us, just enjoying some time together, and talking a little about pappy. You said you were thinking of him and were sad. I told you, as I have told you many other times, it was OK to cry. I was. I just rested my head on your shoulder, and we sat that way for a while. I gave you a kiss on the cheek and told you how much I loved you. I can't help but wonder sometimes what things would be like if he were still here. And not only just if he were here, but if he were here and healthy. He wasn't healthy before he passed away, but before the leukemia and diabetes took over his body he was the strongest, most healthy man I knew. He probably could have lived to a good age. How different would things be? Would the cars and care of the cars be different/better? Would the house inside and out look different? Would things that are broken already be fixed? Would you even be suffering with this disease if he were still here? Would you be struggling as much getting around, or would you have been spending time with him, getting out, walking and talking with people, still active? Would you still have been teaching Sunday School? One thing I know would have been different....we definitely NEVER would have had our sweet little Bella. Pappy would never have allowed that! You wouldn't have either, but you were a little easier to convince than he ever would have been. It is hard to have him gone, especially around this time of year. So many memories and thoughts going through my mind. But he wasn't well, he was sick and getting very weak. It was breaking my heart how weak he seemed to be getting. So, although I know we both miss him tremendously, I would never want him to have to continue on in that pain and weakness he had been dealing with here on earth. He is in a much better place and thankfully no longer in pain. So today, instead of just wondering what could be or could have been, I'll just celebrate this wonderful man...your husband of 36 years, and the man I loved and called my pappy. Happy Birthday, Pappy, miss you! Love you, pappy, and love you mom! So thankful for you both!