Tuesday, August 23, 2011

So much to tell

Dear Mom,

It has been a while since I have written. I'm sorry that it has been so long. So much has happened since I last wrote to you. One of the reasons I think I haven't written is because I have been struggling with some things so much and it has been hard for me to write anything. I only wrote two posts on my other blog, I think. I don't even know if I can put everything into one post. I don't want it to be forever long. So maybe I will make up for not writing by doing a couple of posts. Summer is over for me now. School started Monday, I wasn't that excited about starting. First of all, I didn't feel like we had much of a summer. I didn't do much with you this summer and that has really bothered me. Last summer we did so much, and made so many memories, at least on my end. This summer, you were much less mobile and couldn't get around well. So that made it difficult. You also got a weird rash that has produced open sores on your arms and legs. That has affected you, you cry many mornings because of it. You keep wondering what is wrong with you and why you have it. I have been trying to help get rid of the marks that are on your arms. You mention it to everyone and you mention it over and over. People have actually called and asked me about this rash that they keep hearing about. I tell them, that I have taken you to the doctor for it, and you have medication for it and it is much better than it was. I got some Mederma, for goodness sake, and the stupid stuff cost about $32 for a tube of it. I'm not talking about a honking, big tube either. Ugh! Between the stuff the doctor gave you, the Mederma, and some cocoa butter, I have lathered you up plenty! It looks better to me, but you can't see that yet. A few weeks ago my friend and her mother came down from New Hampshire and wanted to just be here to help us as much as they could. My friend cleaned...and I mean cleaned our refrigerator. Her mom hemmed and stitched up our clothes. She also gave me papers and booklets to help me as I try to help take care of you the right way. These told how to prepare to be a good caregiver. They even brought us a nice chicken caesar salad lunch, with all the fixin's...onions, grated carrots, grated cheese, and croutons. It was such a nice day, with great fellowship! You really enjoyed their company too, which made it really nice! You did say something that was pretty strange, you told them you had three kids, when I asked you who they were, you said Junie, Johnny, and me. I told you Junie and Johnny were your brothers. You just kinda said, "Oh", then let it go. That was a little sad.
It helped so much that they were there to help me through that. I don't think it was as big a deal to me because they were there. So thankful for the break from the monotony, and for you to be engaged more than I have seen you be before. So thankful for a great day.
There was so much more that I was going to tell, but it's been a little bit since I started writing this post, so now I can't really remember, oh well. :)

Monday, August 15, 2011

Needing you...

Dear Mom,

I have really been needing you lately. I have needed a shoulder to cry on, and someone to talk to. I miss that part of our relationship. I miss your godly wisdom and advice. I miss your prayers for me. It has also been tough because I need you to not give up. You haven't been to church in a little while. You always say you hurt all over, so you call the neighbor and tell her that you are not going to church. Then you lay in bed and watch TV all day. I'm so afraid that you are just going to end up having to stay in bed and then I don't know how I'll be able to take care of you. I am trying as hard as possible to keep you going. I need you to try too. You have been so upset lately because your arms have scars on them from some type of rash that you had. The rash is better, but getting those little brown spots to go away is much harder. I have been feeling guilty because I need to call a dermatologist, but haven't yet. I did buy Mederma for you, to try to help you feel better and to see if it works, but it is ridiculously expensive! I hate that. You pretty much get up every morning now and tell me how awful or ugly you look. That hurts me, because I'm trying to make you feel better, but you have marks on your arms, face, and legs. I have tried to take care of it for you, but I feel like I keep failing you. It's hard because I know that your mind is struggling, and to hear how upset you get almost everyday, sitting on the edge of the bed, many times in tears, kills me. I wish there was more I could do. And I guess there is more, but I'm just not quite sure which way to go, and have been reluctant, so I feel bad. With you feeling this way and me needing someone to help me so badly, it has just been very tough. Now orientation started for school, and that has been difficult to have to leave you, realizing my summer is over even though I am not ready for that. I want to get away, I'm tired, I need to get things accomplished, I hate leaving you and Bella, but unfortunately it's that time again. I hope you'll be ok, but I just have to trust that you will be. I love you and will miss you during the day.