Monday, December 12, 2011

Still Learning...

Dear Mom,

I'm still getting used to this disease and how it affects you. Sometimes I think I am getting it down some, then something new or different comes up and I realize I really have no all. I'm still learning, though. I realized this on Sunday morning when you were getting ready for church. You were putting on the same outfit that you wear around the house everyday. You have worn that to church lately, and it's not a problem, but today we were also going to another church to celebrate my cousin, your nephew, Terry's ordination as a deacon. We would be seeing much of our family later. I knew you would want to look nice for this special occasion. I decided to try to help you choose something a little nicer to put on, not because I cared if you wore the other outfit, but I knew you would be more comfortable, and you would probably give me a hard time later if I hadn't chosen something nice for you. Here's the part where I'm still learning. I pulled out two different outfits for you to decide which one you wanted to wear. There was a nice red sweater with a red, white, and black skirt. I wasn't sure if you would want to wear that skirt because it was chillier out and the skirt wasn't that heavy. So, I also took out a nice black and white jumper with a pretty black and white sweater with a scarf to match. I put the two outfits out for you and told you you could choose which one you wanted to wear. You mentioned maybe wearing the jumper and black and white sweater. I told you that was fine. I was heading back to my room to get ready for church myself. Before I left you asked me what you should wear. I again told you and showed you the two choices. I was in my room getting ready and you called me to come help you. You asked if you should wear the red sweater. I told you that you could and you asked if you were supposed to wear it with the jumper. I told you you could, but that I had taken out the black and white sweater to go with it. So then you thought of wearing the skirt that I chose with that sweater. When you saw that it wasn't as heavy as you might have liked you decided to choose the jumper outfit with the white sweater. That's when I finally got wise, sometimes it takes me a while. I finally took the other outfit and put it up so you wouldn't be confused as to what to wear. So, see, I'm slowly learning! I wish I could learn to deal with things you might say that I struggle hearing. Such as when you tell me that I look pregnant, or that I need to hurry up and find a husband and have grandchildren before you are gone. The fact that I am still quite single with not even a glimpse of having a husband or kids has been very hard, especially lately as I am getting older. Then it has also bothered me that I never had grandchildren for you or dad to enjoy. Especially when there are so many (about 10 or so)people I know that are pregnant or are having/have had babies recently. I had always hoped to. So it's a bit hard to think about sometimes. I do have to say that I am glad that I am able to really help take care of you. You always took such good care of me and now it's my turn, and I'm proud to be able to do it. So, I keep trying to remind myself that they are just words, and I need not take it seriously. It's just part of our relationship now. I know there will always be something new now. That's another thing I am learning. With this disease there is never a set, dull moment, there is always something new and different. It definitely keeps things spontaneous and new. It's almost the same as when you watch the news. All the news stories, no matter how old they are, always seem new and incredible and fascinating to you, as if you have never heard them. Which, in your mind(literally), you haven't. If I can just take this journey in that light, that things will be new and interesting, always spontaneous and fascinating maybe I can learn to deal with some things a little better. I guess all I can do is try! I love you so much!

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