Dear Mom,
Yesterday was interesting, too. Bella wanted to come to my room at about 3:30 this time. It still made me a little crazy, but we did sleep in longer than the day before thankfully. I think we got up close to 7. You were still off, you kept putting on your nice turtle neck and skirt thinking you were going to church....which Wednesday is church, but not until the evening. You were ready to go then. And once you get something in your mind now, there is no turning back. I told you that you weren't going in the morning, but at night. So you changed into your pants and active wear jacket that you always wear...always. When I was getting breakfast ready, you came in with the turtleneck and skirt back on. I once again told you there was no church that morning, so before you ate breakfast you went back and changed into your casual outfit. After breakfast I was washing the dishes and you came out with your "church" outfit and your purse this time. Aaahhhh!!! You were killing me. You looked out the living room window and told me the neighbor wasn't home. You were nervous because she is the one who picks you up for church. Once again I told you that church wasn't until that night, and I counted down the hours for you, you had 8 hours before you needed to worry about getting ready for church. So you went back to your room to change. I took Bella out to go potty and then was getting ready to head over to the school to help out again and your "church" outfit either never got taken off that time or you put it on again. You asked if that was OK to wear. I couldn't answer you at that point, so I just said a quick sure. Then I kissed you goodbye. You asked where I was going and I told you to help at school. You asked if the neighbor was going to come pick you up and I just said a quick yes before I left the house. Man, was that an off morning for you! I just left hoping that you would eventually realize what I had been saying. I was so busy at school that I hadn't checked on you all day. So, on my way home I decided to finally call...not good, there was no answer. All my worst fears flooded my head. You decided to go to church on your own and got lost or got hurt. Even though I know you can barely even come into the kitchen without needing to rest because you have been hurting so badly. Why do I let my mind do that to me? I must have called 5 0r 6 times, and no answer. I started to freak. Then I called one more time and you finally answered...phew. You had just been outside with Bella, and you were fine! Thankfully! I talked to you and told you I was coming home. I got home, we had dinner, then both went off to church. On my way home there was some lightning! Well, you know me, though, right now I'm not sure if you'll remember this about me, but I hate lightning. I got home after you did, I sat in the car for just a few seconds to wait for the lightning to come again, so I could run out of the car in the in-between time. I ran into the house and you and Bella were at the door. You were holding Bella's leash so I could take her out as I normally do when I get home. When I got to the door, I saw a quick glimpse of lightning behind me, I jumped in the door so fast! I asked if she had already taken Bella out, she said she had and I said good, put that leash away, cuz I'm definitely not taking her out right now. Mom got a good laugh out of that one. We both had to chuckle. Because of the thunder and lightning you came downstairs with me. We watched America's Got Talent and got a kick out of the performances. It was a nice night together. So, the weird, annoying morning ended much better that night. It's nice to have those moments, especially after some of the crazy ones. Glad for these good memories! Love you!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Made it!!
Dear Mom,
I actually made it through yesterday!!! I wasn't sure I would, but thankfully Mama G. had me emptying out drawers, moving things from one place to another, and shredding old documents. That kept me on my feet most of the day, so that helped me not be as sleepy as I normally would have been.
I got to school yesterday morning about 7 a.m. I forgot that our desks were still in the hallway, so my plan to organize and clean out my desk was foiled. I just cleaned some of my shelves instead. I started getting hot in the classroom, so I went into the teacher's lounge and put the air on, and just waited to Mama to get there at 8:30. I went to her office, we talked for a while because she wondered why I was there so early. I told her about our crazy morning. Mama G. had some similar experiences with her mother several years ago. One Sunday morning her mom was up at 2 a.m. getting dressed for church. She told her mom it was too early for church, she said her mom just got in bed with all of her clothes on. She said she wanted to yell at her, but had to remember it wasn't her fault. It helped me so much to hear her, because I have had some of the same feelings and she helped me understand that it's normal. Being a caregiver is hard.........really hard!! People that aren't cannot understand, so it's hard to talk to people about it. I have started keeping most of what is going on quiet, because it's hard to talk to people who don't get it and sometimes make it worse with the things they say. They think they are helping, but are just making me feel worse. There are so many times I want to share some of these things with you, but I can't do that anymore. Mama G. and I had great conversations yesterday, they helped me so much! She could never take your place, don't worry, but I'm so thankful the Lord has given me someone like her to talk to. We worked a long day yesterday, too. We were there until about 5:30, by that time I was ready to get home. :) I called you a couple of times to tell you not to fix dinner or anything because I would be coming and would take care of it, then I also added in that I would bring something home. I told you that because sometimes that helps make sure you don't try to put anything into the oven. You love when I bring things home. The one thing I didn't tell you was that I wasn't bringing dinner home, I wasn't sure at the time what I would bring home, but because it was so hot and I was so hot and tired from working hard all day, I brought home McFlurries for us. The reason I told you not to worry about dinner was because I had forgotten the night before to take our leftovers out of the styrofoam containers. And a couple of times you have put those in the stove to heat up dinner. That makes me nervous, so that's why I told you that. Then I told you if you were hungry to eat one of the peaches in the refrigerator. When I got home one of the styrofoam containers was on the counter, but no marks from a stove or anything thankfully. It just so happened to be my meal, when I looked inside there were only 3 small french fries left!! I told you those were mine, so since you ate mine I was going to take some of yours, so I did. You still had plenty, though. By dinner time, I was fairing better than the rest of this crazy day. So thankful for the opportunity to get away, work hard and help someone else, but in the process get some help from that person as well. Sorry sometimes I just get a little crazy, but mom I'm doing this all by myself and it's hard. I hate to see you like this and I still in the recesses of my mind am hoping to fix you. I'm working on it. Please know that even though I may act like it, you are not a burden! You are my love, you are my mom, and I feel a type of pleasure to be able to do for you what you have done for me for so many years. I love you!
I actually made it through yesterday!!! I wasn't sure I would, but thankfully Mama G. had me emptying out drawers, moving things from one place to another, and shredding old documents. That kept me on my feet most of the day, so that helped me not be as sleepy as I normally would have been.
I got to school yesterday morning about 7 a.m. I forgot that our desks were still in the hallway, so my plan to organize and clean out my desk was foiled. I just cleaned some of my shelves instead. I started getting hot in the classroom, so I went into the teacher's lounge and put the air on, and just waited to Mama to get there at 8:30. I went to her office, we talked for a while because she wondered why I was there so early. I told her about our crazy morning. Mama G. had some similar experiences with her mother several years ago. One Sunday morning her mom was up at 2 a.m. getting dressed for church. She told her mom it was too early for church, she said her mom just got in bed with all of her clothes on. She said she wanted to yell at her, but had to remember it wasn't her fault. It helped me so much to hear her, because I have had some of the same feelings and she helped me understand that it's normal. Being a caregiver is hard.........really hard!! People that aren't cannot understand, so it's hard to talk to people about it. I have started keeping most of what is going on quiet, because it's hard to talk to people who don't get it and sometimes make it worse with the things they say. They think they are helping, but are just making me feel worse. There are so many times I want to share some of these things with you, but I can't do that anymore. Mama G. and I had great conversations yesterday, they helped me so much! She could never take your place, don't worry, but I'm so thankful the Lord has given me someone like her to talk to. We worked a long day yesterday, too. We were there until about 5:30, by that time I was ready to get home. :) I called you a couple of times to tell you not to fix dinner or anything because I would be coming and would take care of it, then I also added in that I would bring something home. I told you that because sometimes that helps make sure you don't try to put anything into the oven. You love when I bring things home. The one thing I didn't tell you was that I wasn't bringing dinner home, I wasn't sure at the time what I would bring home, but because it was so hot and I was so hot and tired from working hard all day, I brought home McFlurries for us. The reason I told you not to worry about dinner was because I had forgotten the night before to take our leftovers out of the styrofoam containers. And a couple of times you have put those in the stove to heat up dinner. That makes me nervous, so that's why I told you that. Then I told you if you were hungry to eat one of the peaches in the refrigerator. When I got home one of the styrofoam containers was on the counter, but no marks from a stove or anything thankfully. It just so happened to be my meal, when I looked inside there were only 3 small french fries left!! I told you those were mine, so since you ate mine I was going to take some of yours, so I did. You still had plenty, though. By dinner time, I was fairing better than the rest of this crazy day. So thankful for the opportunity to get away, work hard and help someone else, but in the process get some help from that person as well. Sorry sometimes I just get a little crazy, but mom I'm doing this all by myself and it's hard. I hate to see you like this and I still in the recesses of my mind am hoping to fix you. I'm working on it. Please know that even though I may act like it, you are not a burden! You are my love, you are my mom, and I feel a type of pleasure to be able to do for you what you have done for me for so many years. I love you!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
???
Dear Mom,
I am really struggling right now, fighting back the tears so I can write this, but also so I can get ready to go over to the school. It's only 6:17 a.m. on July 5. I didn't even stay up late last night. I got in bed a little after 11 because I was so crazy tired. I got you and Bella settled then got to bed myself. Then, just as I feared and expected, because your room is so hot and uncomfortable about 1 or 2 a.m. I hear you talking to Bella, then I hear her scratching at my door to come get in bed with me. I at least have the fan going in my room so she knows she won't be so uncomfortable. So, she's in bed with me, and I'm trying to get comfortably back to sleep. I do, but at 4 a.m. Bella just starts barking, she made me nervous because it was a bark as if someone were outside or something. So, I get up and put her down and she runs into the kitchen, which again made me nervous. Once she got in the kitchen she didn't bark anymore, just went to her water and started gulping it down. Was that why she was barking?? To get my attention to let her out to get some water?? I'll never know, but if so, she was pretty clever. I was a little annoyed with her, but as long as I could get back to sleep, I would deal with it....but no, that wasn't the case......:/ After I got back to my room, Bella came bursting through the door to lay on the floor of my room. I got back to my comfortable spot and was trying to get back to sleep, when I hear your TV come on. A little later I hear you get up to go to the bathroom. This doesn't really mean anything. I figured you would go back to your room, eventually turn the TV off and go back to sleep for another couple of hours. Nope, I hear you laughing at whatever was on, then I hear your dresser drawers opening and closing. I had to get up to see what you were doing.....getting dressed of course. I could have just let it go, but as tired as I was I didn't. I told you between you and Bella, you were both going to kill me. I told you it was only 4 o'clock, too early to be up. You said you were just getting your clothes on and getting back in bed and told me I didn't have to be up yet. But I told you that Bella already woke me up, then your TV is keeping me awake, too. You said you would turn it off, but I told you not to worry about it now, I was already awake. I just went back to get in bed. I started reading to see if that would help, but it didn't, and you didn't turn off your TV. I read til about 5 or a little after, then just figured I would take Bella out. The paper guy creeps me out a little, so I figured if I got her out early enough, we wouldn't have to worry about him. Oddly enough, he had already come and left the paper, thankfully didn't run into him. When we came inside about 5:30 you had the kitchen light on, and you were getting ready for breakfast. At this point I just wanted to lose it. You were looking guilty, but only because you took one of the apple pie bite dessert things from yesterday and were going to have it for breakfast. When I came in you asked if it was ok. I said fine, but my tone wasn't pleasant so you were going to put it back. I told you no, not to worry about that, it's just that it is so early for breakfast. You said you thought I needed to go somewhere today. You asked if I was getting my classroom set up, I said no, just helping out. You don't know about that, but I can't tell you anyway, you won't understand some of the crazy things going on with that. I went to the bathroom just to let out a few tears, then had breakfast with you. You kept mentioning how dreary it was outside. I kept telling you it's because the sun isn't even up yet, it's too early!! I started washing the dishes after breakfast, you asked what you could do, and I said nothing just go ahead back to bed. You were excited and said, "Oh, I hoped you would say that!" Ugh!!! So, now I'm just getting ready to go over to the school, getting makeup on and getting dressed. Trying to keep from crying and ruining my makeup. After I write this, I'm going to head over to the school, waaaayyy earlier than I need to, but I just need to be somewhere else right now. Maybe I can organize my room or something. I just need a little break from things. It is going to be a long day, I'm so tired, but hopefully getting a little coffee and heading to school will help me get over my frustration so I can handle things better when I get back home some time this afternoon. So thankful for blogging, this is so therapeutic for me. I love you, but right now, just need a little time away from you. This is so not easy to admit and there is a really guilty feeling for admitting it. Only those who are dealing with situations like this can understand what I'm saying. But I must be honest. I love you, but I'll be leaving soon for the day. Prayerfully when I come back I'll be able to move on from this crazy morning. I know you have already moved on and forgotten it anyway. Hope you and Bella have a good day.
I am really struggling right now, fighting back the tears so I can write this, but also so I can get ready to go over to the school. It's only 6:17 a.m. on July 5. I didn't even stay up late last night. I got in bed a little after 11 because I was so crazy tired. I got you and Bella settled then got to bed myself. Then, just as I feared and expected, because your room is so hot and uncomfortable about 1 or 2 a.m. I hear you talking to Bella, then I hear her scratching at my door to come get in bed with me. I at least have the fan going in my room so she knows she won't be so uncomfortable. So, she's in bed with me, and I'm trying to get comfortably back to sleep. I do, but at 4 a.m. Bella just starts barking, she made me nervous because it was a bark as if someone were outside or something. So, I get up and put her down and she runs into the kitchen, which again made me nervous. Once she got in the kitchen she didn't bark anymore, just went to her water and started gulping it down. Was that why she was barking?? To get my attention to let her out to get some water?? I'll never know, but if so, she was pretty clever. I was a little annoyed with her, but as long as I could get back to sleep, I would deal with it....but no, that wasn't the case......:/ After I got back to my room, Bella came bursting through the door to lay on the floor of my room. I got back to my comfortable spot and was trying to get back to sleep, when I hear your TV come on. A little later I hear you get up to go to the bathroom. This doesn't really mean anything. I figured you would go back to your room, eventually turn the TV off and go back to sleep for another couple of hours. Nope, I hear you laughing at whatever was on, then I hear your dresser drawers opening and closing. I had to get up to see what you were doing.....getting dressed of course. I could have just let it go, but as tired as I was I didn't. I told you between you and Bella, you were both going to kill me. I told you it was only 4 o'clock, too early to be up. You said you were just getting your clothes on and getting back in bed and told me I didn't have to be up yet. But I told you that Bella already woke me up, then your TV is keeping me awake, too. You said you would turn it off, but I told you not to worry about it now, I was already awake. I just went back to get in bed. I started reading to see if that would help, but it didn't, and you didn't turn off your TV. I read til about 5 or a little after, then just figured I would take Bella out. The paper guy creeps me out a little, so I figured if I got her out early enough, we wouldn't have to worry about him. Oddly enough, he had already come and left the paper, thankfully didn't run into him. When we came inside about 5:30 you had the kitchen light on, and you were getting ready for breakfast. At this point I just wanted to lose it. You were looking guilty, but only because you took one of the apple pie bite dessert things from yesterday and were going to have it for breakfast. When I came in you asked if it was ok. I said fine, but my tone wasn't pleasant so you were going to put it back. I told you no, not to worry about that, it's just that it is so early for breakfast. You said you thought I needed to go somewhere today. You asked if I was getting my classroom set up, I said no, just helping out. You don't know about that, but I can't tell you anyway, you won't understand some of the crazy things going on with that. I went to the bathroom just to let out a few tears, then had breakfast with you. You kept mentioning how dreary it was outside. I kept telling you it's because the sun isn't even up yet, it's too early!! I started washing the dishes after breakfast, you asked what you could do, and I said nothing just go ahead back to bed. You were excited and said, "Oh, I hoped you would say that!" Ugh!!! So, now I'm just getting ready to go over to the school, getting makeup on and getting dressed. Trying to keep from crying and ruining my makeup. After I write this, I'm going to head over to the school, waaaayyy earlier than I need to, but I just need to be somewhere else right now. Maybe I can organize my room or something. I just need a little break from things. It is going to be a long day, I'm so tired, but hopefully getting a little coffee and heading to school will help me get over my frustration so I can handle things better when I get back home some time this afternoon. So thankful for blogging, this is so therapeutic for me. I love you, but right now, just need a little time away from you. This is so not easy to admit and there is a really guilty feeling for admitting it. Only those who are dealing with situations like this can understand what I'm saying. But I must be honest. I love you, but I'll be leaving soon for the day. Prayerfully when I come back I'll be able to move on from this crazy morning. I know you have already moved on and forgotten it anyway. Hope you and Bella have a good day.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Happy 4th!!
Dear Mom,
Happy 4th of July!! All day long you have been surprised to hear that today is the 4th of July. Woke up this morning, took Bella out, and come back inside to find you searching in the linen closet. I ask you what you need and you said the bed was wet. I got the sheet out and went into your room. The bed was soaked, it usually isn't that wet. I realized later that you weren't wearing what you normally do and are supposed to wear so that won't happen. We were putting the sheets on and you moved a pillow with your TV remote, and it falls behind the bed. I killed my arm trying to get it for you, was feeling a little bit crazy at that point. You said again what you have said a few times before, "Well, it's time for you to put me in a nursing home." By that time I was so discouraged to hear you say it again, I said, "Ok, I'll look into that tomorrow." You didn't say anything after that and we just relaxed in bed again. We got up a little later to have breakfast, and the homemaker and companion came about that time. After breakfast, and after the homemaker/companion left I went downstairs as has been the case lately. It's just a place to get away a little bit. I exercise, and relax on the computer. Lately you have been coming down to join Bella and I. After a while you are ready to go back upstairs and watch your shows in bed. You made yourself peanut butter and jelly as you normally do for lunch. A few hours later I told you that I thought we would maybe go out to eat for dinner. You were very excited about that idea. You got your sneakers and were ready to go not too much later. We went to Red Robin, I figured the 4th is about burgers, so what better place to go and get some gourmet burgers. It took you about three tries to figure out what you wanted. At first it was a chicken sandwich, then a certain burger, then finally the Red Robin gourmet cheeseburger. I got a BBQ burger. We enjoyed our meal, but we definitely had to take some home because it was too much. You got around pretty well today, too. After a little bit of a crazy morning, the day ended up going well. I want to be sure to remember each of these moments because things change so quickly and I want to take every opportunity to keep these memories close to my heart. So thankful for another 4th of July with you and being able to enjoy it, even when you don't remember what day it is. I took out the dessert a little while ago and you didn't remember where we got it from. After I told you, then you said you remembered going to the restaurant. That was good! You may not remember, but I will keep these memories for you. This is one of the reasons why I write these letters to you. You are already in bed because you said about a half hour ago you were ready to head to bed. So, goodnight, love you, and again....Happy 4th of July!
Happy 4th of July!! All day long you have been surprised to hear that today is the 4th of July. Woke up this morning, took Bella out, and come back inside to find you searching in the linen closet. I ask you what you need and you said the bed was wet. I got the sheet out and went into your room. The bed was soaked, it usually isn't that wet. I realized later that you weren't wearing what you normally do and are supposed to wear so that won't happen. We were putting the sheets on and you moved a pillow with your TV remote, and it falls behind the bed. I killed my arm trying to get it for you, was feeling a little bit crazy at that point. You said again what you have said a few times before, "Well, it's time for you to put me in a nursing home." By that time I was so discouraged to hear you say it again, I said, "Ok, I'll look into that tomorrow." You didn't say anything after that and we just relaxed in bed again. We got up a little later to have breakfast, and the homemaker and companion came about that time. After breakfast, and after the homemaker/companion left I went downstairs as has been the case lately. It's just a place to get away a little bit. I exercise, and relax on the computer. Lately you have been coming down to join Bella and I. After a while you are ready to go back upstairs and watch your shows in bed. You made yourself peanut butter and jelly as you normally do for lunch. A few hours later I told you that I thought we would maybe go out to eat for dinner. You were very excited about that idea. You got your sneakers and were ready to go not too much later. We went to Red Robin, I figured the 4th is about burgers, so what better place to go and get some gourmet burgers. It took you about three tries to figure out what you wanted. At first it was a chicken sandwich, then a certain burger, then finally the Red Robin gourmet cheeseburger. I got a BBQ burger. We enjoyed our meal, but we definitely had to take some home because it was too much. You got around pretty well today, too. After a little bit of a crazy morning, the day ended up going well. I want to be sure to remember each of these moments because things change so quickly and I want to take every opportunity to keep these memories close to my heart. So thankful for another 4th of July with you and being able to enjoy it, even when you don't remember what day it is. I took out the dessert a little while ago and you didn't remember where we got it from. After I told you, then you said you remembered going to the restaurant. That was good! You may not remember, but I will keep these memories for you. This is one of the reasons why I write these letters to you. You are already in bed because you said about a half hour ago you were ready to head to bed. So, goodnight, love you, and again....Happy 4th of July!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Keeping busy
Dear Mom,
I haven't posted in a while. We have been busy, but I have also been doing some other things and posting on my other blog. I think I will probably have to write a couple posts for you since it has been a while. You have been going back and forth lately doing ok, and not feeling well. Last Thursday we were able to go to see a taping of Better Connecticut. We went and you were glad. We had to fill out some paperwork, it was hard for you to do that. You didn't quite remember how to spell your name at first. Then you struggled knowing which was print and which was signature (cursive). You did fill it out though. We went in and got a couple of seats in the back. There were some friends in the front row. We sat and watched for a while. You of course were cold, so I had a jacket for you, a thin scarf, and some gloves. The gloves didn't match so you took them off, then you just let the scarf hang. You already had a turtleneck dickie on and an active wear jacket. We were disappointed because Scot wasn't going to be there that day. We did get to see Kara, and then Damon Scott was there to fill in for Scot. We enjoyed our time, but you kept saying you wished Scot would have been there. We got to see knotables necklaces, which were cool. We saw some awesome meat being cooked, it smelled delicious, but we didn't get any, sadly, haha. We got to see Kara interview Chris Knopf (?) an actor that I don't really know. They were talking about diabetes and eating healthier. We couldn't hear the interview, because of the satellite feed, but we could see him. It was fun! Then we had to wait for a few minutes after the taping was over so they could tape the teasers for the show. While they were doing those, I felt you lean hard on me, kind of jerking a little bit. I realized sadly that you were passing out. You scared me half to death. After a few seconds you came to. I fanned you because I figured you must have gotten really hot. I didn't want to say anything because they were doing the taping. So I just quietly fanned you and prayed that the Lord would help you. A little after you passed out again. I just kept fanning you and taking some of the things off of you so you wouldn't be so hot. You came to again and were ok. I never said anything to anyone, but thankfully you ended up being ok. I got you to the car ok, and cranked the air. For once you didn't complain. You must have really been hot. I'm glad you are ok, but I really hope and pray that you will continue to be ok. We kept busy over the weekend, but I think I will put that in another post. I love you so much and keep hoping and praying you will be healthy and well. Love you!
I haven't posted in a while. We have been busy, but I have also been doing some other things and posting on my other blog. I think I will probably have to write a couple posts for you since it has been a while. You have been going back and forth lately doing ok, and not feeling well. Last Thursday we were able to go to see a taping of Better Connecticut. We went and you were glad. We had to fill out some paperwork, it was hard for you to do that. You didn't quite remember how to spell your name at first. Then you struggled knowing which was print and which was signature (cursive). You did fill it out though. We went in and got a couple of seats in the back. There were some friends in the front row. We sat and watched for a while. You of course were cold, so I had a jacket for you, a thin scarf, and some gloves. The gloves didn't match so you took them off, then you just let the scarf hang. You already had a turtleneck dickie on and an active wear jacket. We were disappointed because Scot wasn't going to be there that day. We did get to see Kara, and then Damon Scott was there to fill in for Scot. We enjoyed our time, but you kept saying you wished Scot would have been there. We got to see knotables necklaces, which were cool. We saw some awesome meat being cooked, it smelled delicious, but we didn't get any, sadly, haha. We got to see Kara interview Chris Knopf (?) an actor that I don't really know. They were talking about diabetes and eating healthier. We couldn't hear the interview, because of the satellite feed, but we could see him. It was fun! Then we had to wait for a few minutes after the taping was over so they could tape the teasers for the show. While they were doing those, I felt you lean hard on me, kind of jerking a little bit. I realized sadly that you were passing out. You scared me half to death. After a few seconds you came to. I fanned you because I figured you must have gotten really hot. I didn't want to say anything because they were doing the taping. So I just quietly fanned you and prayed that the Lord would help you. A little after you passed out again. I just kept fanning you and taking some of the things off of you so you wouldn't be so hot. You came to again and were ok. I never said anything to anyone, but thankfully you ended up being ok. I got you to the car ok, and cranked the air. For once you didn't complain. You must have really been hot. I'm glad you are ok, but I really hope and pray that you will continue to be ok. We kept busy over the weekend, but I think I will put that in another post. I love you so much and keep hoping and praying you will be healthy and well. Love you!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Quick note
Dear Mom,
I'm going to try to write just a quick note tonight. It's almost midnight and we have to get up early tomorrow! We are going to a taping of Better Connecticut!! I am so excited about it! I hope that you will feel up to it. It's been rainy and you were really hurting today. I haven't told you yet, I know you won't remember anyway. So tomorrow morning I'm just going to tell you that we have somewhere to be by 9:30 and go over to Rocky Hill. I think you will be just as excited as I am once we get there and you see where we are.
You were really off today. You got up and I told you I would be out for breakfast in about 15 minutes. I tried to go back to sleep, but Bella kept barking. So I just decided to get up, and you were already sitting at the table eating breakfast. You were just so ready to take your medicine because you were hurting. I gave you the other half of the egg sandwich you didn't finish yesterday and the other half of the orange from two days ago. After breakfast I went to try to lay back down, but you called me, as if you really needed something. You have gotten into this habit of calling me and then not answering when I say yes and ask what you want. You want me to come to you, so I have to get out of bed and leave my room and go to your door. Today you just said, I don't know what today is. So, I told you. Then you asked the every day question, "Do I have church?" You wanted to know what time it was, and then were glad it wasn't this morning. I decided to just get up and go downstairs to do a little exercise on my Wii. Then I was just going to take a nap downstairs, that was probably the only place I would be able to. After a little while you came down too, so I knew that nap wouldn't be coming right away or at least that it wouldn't be in the comfy recliner as I was hoping. That's where I let you sit when you come down. We watched TV and talked a little bit, not talk talk, but mostly commenting on something on TV or you asking me the same questions. Then you out of the blue asked me what church I went to. I was surprised that you didn't know. I told you Emmanuel. Then you shocked me even more by saying, "I don't even know what church I go to." I told you to try to remember and you tried, but I had to tell you Grace. Then you said, "Oh right, Grace Baptist Church, see I remember." That was really sad for me. I guess I never thought you would forget that already. We were watching the Food Network, which you used to watch all the time, now it's just the Hallmark Channel mainly. But Barefoot Contessa came on and you didn't remember who she was. Then after her Rachel Ray was coming on and you always loved Rachel Ray, but you had to ask me who that was. I guess I'm really just hating the thought, and the FACT that you really aren't getting better, you're not even slowing on your memory loss. It seems to be getting worse. I keep praying that it won't get too bad too soon. Not sure what to try to prepare for and what to do about next school year. There are already going to be weird changes for me, but do I need to consider making changes in your care too? I just really miss you right now. I miss my immediate family. I miss having someone to talk to at home. But I love you and am going to try to keep you active and doing fun things as much as possible. Tomorrow should prayerfully be fun for us. Hope you enjoy it! Love you!
I'm going to try to write just a quick note tonight. It's almost midnight and we have to get up early tomorrow! We are going to a taping of Better Connecticut!! I am so excited about it! I hope that you will feel up to it. It's been rainy and you were really hurting today. I haven't told you yet, I know you won't remember anyway. So tomorrow morning I'm just going to tell you that we have somewhere to be by 9:30 and go over to Rocky Hill. I think you will be just as excited as I am once we get there and you see where we are.
You were really off today. You got up and I told you I would be out for breakfast in about 15 minutes. I tried to go back to sleep, but Bella kept barking. So I just decided to get up, and you were already sitting at the table eating breakfast. You were just so ready to take your medicine because you were hurting. I gave you the other half of the egg sandwich you didn't finish yesterday and the other half of the orange from two days ago. After breakfast I went to try to lay back down, but you called me, as if you really needed something. You have gotten into this habit of calling me and then not answering when I say yes and ask what you want. You want me to come to you, so I have to get out of bed and leave my room and go to your door. Today you just said, I don't know what today is. So, I told you. Then you asked the every day question, "Do I have church?" You wanted to know what time it was, and then were glad it wasn't this morning. I decided to just get up and go downstairs to do a little exercise on my Wii. Then I was just going to take a nap downstairs, that was probably the only place I would be able to. After a little while you came down too, so I knew that nap wouldn't be coming right away or at least that it wouldn't be in the comfy recliner as I was hoping. That's where I let you sit when you come down. We watched TV and talked a little bit, not talk talk, but mostly commenting on something on TV or you asking me the same questions. Then you out of the blue asked me what church I went to. I was surprised that you didn't know. I told you Emmanuel. Then you shocked me even more by saying, "I don't even know what church I go to." I told you to try to remember and you tried, but I had to tell you Grace. Then you said, "Oh right, Grace Baptist Church, see I remember." That was really sad for me. I guess I never thought you would forget that already. We were watching the Food Network, which you used to watch all the time, now it's just the Hallmark Channel mainly. But Barefoot Contessa came on and you didn't remember who she was. Then after her Rachel Ray was coming on and you always loved Rachel Ray, but you had to ask me who that was. I guess I'm really just hating the thought, and the FACT that you really aren't getting better, you're not even slowing on your memory loss. It seems to be getting worse. I keep praying that it won't get too bad too soon. Not sure what to try to prepare for and what to do about next school year. There are already going to be weird changes for me, but do I need to consider making changes in your care too? I just really miss you right now. I miss my immediate family. I miss having someone to talk to at home. But I love you and am going to try to keep you active and doing fun things as much as possible. Tomorrow should prayerfully be fun for us. Hope you enjoy it! Love you!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Summertime
Dear Mom,
It's summertime now, so I'm home with you. It's nice to be able to be home with you, and I know you love having me here, but I have to say, it has been getting a little tough already. You and Bella are up between 5:30 and 6, so I don't get to sleep in past that. After taking Bella out for potty and a walk, I do come back and get to take a nap before getting up by about 9. This morning you had an accident again, and I helped you change your sheets. It's been a couple of months since you have done that, so it took me by surprise. I bought new sheets for you, the nice t-shirt feeling kind, but you don't like the color(dark grey), so you won't let me put them on the bed. But the sheets you put on have set stains on them from food and juice, since you always eat dinner in bed. As we were making the bed, you mentioned that I need to just send you to a nursing home because you think you are getting to difficult to take care of. I try to just ignore these statements, they really bring me down. Then there are the other days, where you, I'm not sure if joking or not, almost beg me, with a childlike voice not to send you to a nursing home. This morning you also said, as you have many times, that you would be going to heaven soon. You also said something else that I don't remember you saying before, you asked me not to tell anyone about you having an accident. I know it's embarrassing for you, but you usually don't think much else about it. Well, I got a little rest, but today, you were ready to eat by about 8. That was ok, because I had to go to work at the school today. We had breakfast, and I washed the dishes. You used to wash them, but because your leg is bothering you, you haven't felt up to it. You said you were just going to get in bed and fold the clothes I had taken out of the dryer. That's one of the jobs you still like and want to do. You just always ask me the minute after I put the clothes in the washing machine. So by the time they are washed and dried, it's too late for you, so you do it in the morning. I try to make sure I save that for you, to give you something to do. I left you and Bella to go to school for a few hours. You decided a little after 4 to take your bath. You were ready to eat dinner much earlier tonight too. You haven't been eating until about 7, but today you were asking me about dinner around 5 or 5:30. I just did something quick. You love the Tyson honey bbq chicken strips, then did some fries to go with that. Then you were calling downstairs to tell me to bring Bella to bed at about 9, we usually don't come up until later. Your timing has been off lately. It has been interesting because things are certainly not stable. Trying to keep up with the changes. Trying to keep you as comfortable and normal as possible, so I try to give in to some of the things you want. I really miss you, miss not being able to talk to you. It was a rough night for me, feeling very lonely, but blogging has helped. I have another blog that I write and really enjoy. But it is also great to talk to you on here, even though I don't get a response, at least I can share. I love you so much! Even with some of the changes and frustrations, I need you! Please stay healthy so you can be with me for a while! Love you and miss you.
It's summertime now, so I'm home with you. It's nice to be able to be home with you, and I know you love having me here, but I have to say, it has been getting a little tough already. You and Bella are up between 5:30 and 6, so I don't get to sleep in past that. After taking Bella out for potty and a walk, I do come back and get to take a nap before getting up by about 9. This morning you had an accident again, and I helped you change your sheets. It's been a couple of months since you have done that, so it took me by surprise. I bought new sheets for you, the nice t-shirt feeling kind, but you don't like the color(dark grey), so you won't let me put them on the bed. But the sheets you put on have set stains on them from food and juice, since you always eat dinner in bed. As we were making the bed, you mentioned that I need to just send you to a nursing home because you think you are getting to difficult to take care of. I try to just ignore these statements, they really bring me down. Then there are the other days, where you, I'm not sure if joking or not, almost beg me, with a childlike voice not to send you to a nursing home. This morning you also said, as you have many times, that you would be going to heaven soon. You also said something else that I don't remember you saying before, you asked me not to tell anyone about you having an accident. I know it's embarrassing for you, but you usually don't think much else about it. Well, I got a little rest, but today, you were ready to eat by about 8. That was ok, because I had to go to work at the school today. We had breakfast, and I washed the dishes. You used to wash them, but because your leg is bothering you, you haven't felt up to it. You said you were just going to get in bed and fold the clothes I had taken out of the dryer. That's one of the jobs you still like and want to do. You just always ask me the minute after I put the clothes in the washing machine. So by the time they are washed and dried, it's too late for you, so you do it in the morning. I try to make sure I save that for you, to give you something to do. I left you and Bella to go to school for a few hours. You decided a little after 4 to take your bath. You were ready to eat dinner much earlier tonight too. You haven't been eating until about 7, but today you were asking me about dinner around 5 or 5:30. I just did something quick. You love the Tyson honey bbq chicken strips, then did some fries to go with that. Then you were calling downstairs to tell me to bring Bella to bed at about 9, we usually don't come up until later. Your timing has been off lately. It has been interesting because things are certainly not stable. Trying to keep up with the changes. Trying to keep you as comfortable and normal as possible, so I try to give in to some of the things you want. I really miss you, miss not being able to talk to you. It was a rough night for me, feeling very lonely, but blogging has helped. I have another blog that I write and really enjoy. But it is also great to talk to you on here, even though I don't get a response, at least I can share. I love you so much! Even with some of the changes and frustrations, I need you! Please stay healthy so you can be with me for a while! Love you and miss you.
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