Summertime

Dear Mom,

It's summertime now, so I'm home with you. It's nice to be able to be home with you, and I know you love having me here, but I have to say, it has been getting a little tough already. You and Bella are up between 5:30 and 6, so I don't get to sleep in past that. After taking Bella out for potty and a walk, I do come back and get to take a nap before getting up by about 9. This morning you had an accident again, and I helped you change your sheets. It's been a couple of months since you have done that, so it took me by surprise. I bought new sheets for you, the nice t-shirt feeling kind, but you don't like the color(dark grey), so you won't let me put them on the bed. But the sheets you put on have set stains on them from food and juice, since you always eat dinner in bed. As we were making the bed, you mentioned that I need to just send you to a nursing home because you think you are getting to difficult to take care of. I try to just ignore these statements, they really bring me down. Then there are the other days, where you, I'm not sure if joking or not, almost beg me, with a childlike voice not to send you to a nursing home. This morning you also said, as you have many times, that you would be going to heaven soon. You also said something else that I don't remember you saying before, you asked me not to tell anyone about you having an accident. I know it's embarrassing for you, but you usually don't think much else about it. Well, I got a little rest, but today, you were ready to eat by about 8. That was ok, because I had to go to work at the school today. We had breakfast, and I washed the dishes. You used to wash them, but because your leg is bothering you, you haven't felt up to it. You said you were just going to get in bed and fold the clothes I had taken out of the dryer. That's one of the jobs you still like and want to do. You just always ask me the minute after I put the clothes in the washing machine. So by the time they are washed and dried, it's too late for you, so you do it in the morning. I try to make sure I save that for you, to give you something to do. I left you and Bella to go to school for a few hours. You decided a little after 4 to take your bath. You were ready to eat dinner much earlier tonight too. You haven't been eating until about 7, but today you were asking me about dinner around 5 or 5:30. I just did something quick. You love the Tyson honey bbq chicken strips, then did some fries to go with that. Then you were calling downstairs to tell me to bring Bella to bed at about 9, we usually don't come up until later. Your timing has been off lately. It has been interesting because things are certainly not stable. Trying to keep up with the changes. Trying to keep you as comfortable and normal as possible, so I try to give in to some of the things you want. I really miss you, miss not being able to talk to you. It was a rough night for me, feeling very lonely, but blogging has helped. I have another blog that I write and really enjoy. But it is also great to talk to you on here, even though I don't get a response, at least I can share. I love you so much! Even with some of the changes and frustrations, I need you! Please stay healthy so you can be with me for a while! Love you and miss you.