Tuesday, July 5, 2011


Dear Mom,

I am really struggling right now, fighting back the tears so I can write this, but also so I can get ready to go over to the school. It's only 6:17 a.m. on July 5. I didn't even stay up late last night. I got in bed a little after 11 because I was so crazy tired. I got you and Bella settled then got to bed myself. Then, just as I feared and expected, because your room is so hot and uncomfortable about 1 or 2 a.m. I hear you talking to Bella, then I hear her scratching at my door to come get in bed with me. I at least have the fan going in my room so she knows she won't be so uncomfortable. So, she's in bed with me, and I'm trying to get comfortably back to sleep. I do, but at 4 a.m. Bella just starts barking, she made me nervous because it was a bark as if someone were outside or something. So, I get up and put her down and she runs into the kitchen, which again made me nervous. Once she got in the kitchen she didn't bark anymore, just went to her water and started gulping it down. Was that why she was barking?? To get my attention to let her out to get some water?? I'll never know, but if so, she was pretty clever. I was a little annoyed with her, but as long as I could get back to sleep, I would deal with it....but no, that wasn't the case......:/ After I got back to my room, Bella came bursting through the door to lay on the floor of my room. I got back to my comfortable spot and was trying to get back to sleep, when I hear your TV come on. A little later I hear you get up to go to the bathroom. This doesn't really mean anything. I figured you would go back to your room, eventually turn the TV off and go back to sleep for another couple of hours. Nope, I hear you laughing at whatever was on, then I hear your dresser drawers opening and closing. I had to get up to see what you were doing.....getting dressed of course. I could have just let it go, but as tired as I was I didn't. I told you between you and Bella, you were both going to kill me. I told you it was only 4 o'clock, too early to be up. You said you were just getting your clothes on and getting back in bed and told me I didn't have to be up yet. But I told you that Bella already woke me up, then your TV is keeping me awake, too. You said you would turn it off, but I told you not to worry about it now, I was already awake. I just went back to get in bed. I started reading to see if that would help, but it didn't, and you didn't turn off your TV. I read til about 5 or a little after, then just figured I would take Bella out. The paper guy creeps me out a little, so I figured if I got her out early enough, we wouldn't have to worry about him. Oddly enough, he had already come and left the paper, thankfully didn't run into him. When we came inside about 5:30 you had the kitchen light on, and you were getting ready for breakfast. At this point I just wanted to lose it. You were looking guilty, but only because you took one of the apple pie bite dessert things from yesterday and were going to have it for breakfast. When I came in you asked if it was ok. I said fine, but my tone wasn't pleasant so you were going to put it back. I told you no, not to worry about that, it's just that it is so early for breakfast. You said you thought I needed to go somewhere today. You asked if I was getting my classroom set up, I said no, just helping out. You don't know about that, but I can't tell you anyway, you won't understand some of the crazy things going on with that. I went to the bathroom just to let out a few tears, then had breakfast with you. You kept mentioning how dreary it was outside. I kept telling you it's because the sun isn't even up yet, it's too early!! I started washing the dishes after breakfast, you asked what you could do, and I said nothing just go ahead back to bed. You were excited and said, "Oh, I hoped you would say that!" Ugh!!! So, now I'm just getting ready to go over to the school, getting makeup on and getting dressed. Trying to keep from crying and ruining my makeup. After I write this, I'm going to head over to the school, waaaayyy earlier than I need to, but I just need to be somewhere else right now. Maybe I can organize my room or something. I just need a little break from things. It is going to be a long day, I'm so tired, but hopefully getting a little coffee and heading to school will help me get over my frustration so I can handle things better when I get back home some time this afternoon. So thankful for blogging, this is so therapeutic for me. I love you, but right now, just need a little time away from you. This is so not easy to admit and there is a really guilty feeling for admitting it. Only those who are dealing with situations like this can understand what I'm saying. But I must be honest. I love you, but I'll be leaving soon for the day. Prayerfully when I come back I'll be able to move on from this crazy morning. I know you have already moved on and forgotten it anyway. Hope you and Bella have a good day.

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