Monday, July 25, 2011

Makes me wonder

Dear Mom,

Sometimes I wonder what really goes on in your mind. How does this disease make you forget what we just talked about a minute ago? How do you not recognize people you have known for years? Will there ever be a cure for this awful disease? Is there anything more I can do for you besides pray and try to support the Alzheimers Association? What if pappy were still here, would this even be an issue for you? And would I find it easier to care for you if he were at least here to help? I thought it was hard losing pappy to leukemia and diabetes, but it is much harder losing you to this disease! Are thoughts there, but just so clouded that you can't let them out? What if you read more or did puzzles more, would that have helped keep this away, or at least slowed it down some? What if the doctor had only listened to me a couple of years ago when I started noticing this? What if she hadn't just said that you were just depressed and needed to get out more? What if she hadn't just felt content that I had gotten a dog for us and that was great? What if she had listened the 2 or 3 times I asked her for an assessment? Would having the medicine earlier have had a chance to work better to slow things down? Those thoughts have bothered me so much! Thankfully a friend from church referred us to the doctor we are going to now, and so thankful for that doctor referring us to UCONN. Do you realize some of the things you say? Do you realize you're off when you say them or is it just too much for your mind to even comprehend? It's funny, because sometimes when we are in the car and I am listening to a message, you can almost quote the verses they are saying by heart still. Yet you don't remember who just called on the phone or what they wanted right after you get off of it. Then this morning at breakfast you for some reason I don't remember said that you had three children! That really shocked me to hear you say that! So I had to press a little bit to see who the other two were. You said you had Junie, Johnny, and me. Junie and Johnny are your brothers! So where did that thought come from? Afterwards, I said something like no, those are your brothers, you didn't have them. You didn't really say anything and just kept eating your breakfast and turned to look at the TV. I watched your face to see if what I said made sense to you, but I couldn't really tell if you got it or not. Yesterday you were in the living room waiting for your ride to pick you up for church, you had been sitting in there for at least an hour if not longer. Your breakfast dish was still on the table with your medicine under it. I asked you what you ate for breakfast, and you told me cereal. I asked how you could have if the bowl and medicine were still there on the table. You said you set that back up for tomorrow after you had already eaten. When I went to wash my bowl the washcloths were bone dry, which means you never washed a bowl, so you couldn't have eaten breakfast or taken your medicine which you need to take every day. How does your mind convince you that you already ate when you definitely didn't? What do I do about that? By that time it was too late to do anything because your ride was going to be here to pick you up. So you just had to take your medicine for lunch. How do you remember that you met someone at church who knows me, and can remember to tell me, not the name of course, but a slight description? How do you remember that about an hour or so after it happened, but don't remember the short term things I just told you? I wonder what's in store for us next? I wonder, but try not to, if you're going to get to the point where you will not remember me soon. I really hope not, but I pray God will give me the grace to cross that bridge if we ever come to it. For now, I'm thankful for the bits of memory that you do have, and I'll just try to keep utilizing that! Mom, I love you, crazy mind and all!

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