Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Wish you were here

Dear Mom,

This has been a tough week for me. I have really been struggling. There are some big changes going on, but I can't share them with you. Wish you were here, I know you still are here, but wish you were here in the way that I need you! Someone to talk to and pray with and get good godly advice from. I really miss that!! There has been talk going around, there have been people that have been insensitive to me. Sometimes I think people just don't really get what it is to be a caregiver! Sadly, though, people are trying to use that excuse to make some of the changes I am dealing with better. They are saying that the change will be good for me because of you. It doesn't make sense to me, though, how they think it will be so much better for me. Some of these people don't even ask me about you. So, they wouldn't begin to know what would or would not help me. I have been angry, I have been discouraged, I have been so extremely sad, I have been worried. I just wish I could share some of this with you. I haven't even told you of the change because you would be confused, and would keep asking me about it. It's just a small change to my job description, but it's not something I really want or desire to do. And again, people have been talking to other people telling them that this was what I wanted, and that it has worked out so well. That has bothered me too, because people don't realize I am having a hard time with it, so they just go on, not seeing that I am hurting because of it. It works for others, just not for me the way I would like. I know it will be fine and I will be ok, but I really want to share this with you. Thankfully there are a couple of people I have felt comfortable sharing most of this struggle with. But there's nothing like a mother's comfort and a mother's prayers and a mother's advice. So, I will just have to make do with sharing this with others. I wish I could tell you to pray for me about this. Thankfully I do have others praying about it with me.
Then, it has been so hot this week. But you, you don't get hot easily, and you keep putting that jacket on. I have finally gotten you to put a short sleeve shirt on rather than the turtleneck dickie. So yesterday, you had your shirt and jacket on and came out to breakfast. The air was on in the living room, and the ceiling fan in the kitchen was on low, so of course you were complaining of being cold. I told you not to think about it because you just thought you were cold because you live in those long sleeves. Yesterday and today were some of the hottest days of the year. The temperatures were in the upper 90's with heat indexes in the 100's. Today was about 103 and the heat index was about 108 or so. But, yesterday when you complained, I just turned the kitchen fan off, so you wouldn't complain anymore. Well, after breakfast you complained, but in a different way. This time you said you were feeling so hot. I had gotten up and was bringing the dishes to the sink to wash them. I looked at you and you didn't look good at all. I went over to you to try to get that dumb (that's what I started feeling at that time) jacket off of you. I was so upset about that jacket and more upset because I couldn't get your arms out of it and you weren't helping. At one point you slumped forward and your eyes rolled back in your head and your bottom lip distended and you were drooling a little. I shook and tapped your face a little a few times and you came back to. I kept trying to get the jacket off of you. You were wet with sweat. You came to, but then started dry heaving. You never did get sick, but you sat there for a while just not looking good. I turned the fan back on. After a little while you wanted to go to the bathroom, I took you and got you back to your room after. I wasn't as scared about you passing out because this was about the third or fourth time. I don't think you realize how much you have on and how hot you really are, and then get overheated and go down on me. It's so frustrating because even though I'm used to it, it still does scare me. The social worker stopped by yesterday, too. She noticed that you didn't look that great. I didn't call the doctor yet. One of the last times you passed out, you were in the hospital for a week, hating it, and they didn't find anything. So, I will call and check with the doctor next week. Today you were much better. You were getting around better and were more alert. Of course you don't even have a clue of remembering passing out yesterday. Thankful that you are better today, and praying this won't happen again. I even felt OK about leaving you for a few hours so I could go to lunch and shopping with some friends. The homemaker/companion was there when I left and she still had about an hour with you, so that helped me be able to go out for a little bit and I had a great time. I even brought you back a couple of things. You always ask what I brought you if I go out. I got you some root beer (your favorite) and some candy. You told me how wonderful of a daughter I was, and told me how much you loved me. Well, I'm glad you liked what I brought for you, I love you so much too. Just...wish you were here....


  1. This is a nice blog. Really like what you are doing. God Bless

  2. Thanks for your comment!! Thanks for reading! God bless you as well!