Monday, August 15, 2011

Needing you...

Dear Mom,

I have really been needing you lately. I have needed a shoulder to cry on, and someone to talk to. I miss that part of our relationship. I miss your godly wisdom and advice. I miss your prayers for me. It has also been tough because I need you to not give up. You haven't been to church in a little while. You always say you hurt all over, so you call the neighbor and tell her that you are not going to church. Then you lay in bed and watch TV all day. I'm so afraid that you are just going to end up having to stay in bed and then I don't know how I'll be able to take care of you. I am trying as hard as possible to keep you going. I need you to try too. You have been so upset lately because your arms have scars on them from some type of rash that you had. The rash is better, but getting those little brown spots to go away is much harder. I have been feeling guilty because I need to call a dermatologist, but haven't yet. I did buy Mederma for you, to try to help you feel better and to see if it works, but it is ridiculously expensive! I hate that. You pretty much get up every morning now and tell me how awful or ugly you look. That hurts me, because I'm trying to make you feel better, but you have marks on your arms, face, and legs. I have tried to take care of it for you, but I feel like I keep failing you. It's hard because I know that your mind is struggling, and to hear how upset you get almost everyday, sitting on the edge of the bed, many times in tears, kills me. I wish there was more I could do. And I guess there is more, but I'm just not quite sure which way to go, and have been reluctant, so I feel bad. With you feeling this way and me needing someone to help me so badly, it has just been very tough. Now orientation started for school, and that has been difficult to have to leave you, realizing my summer is over even though I am not ready for that. I want to get away, I'm tired, I need to get things accomplished, I hate leaving you and Bella, but unfortunately it's that time again. I hope you'll be ok, but I just have to trust that you will be. I love you and will miss you during the day.

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