Saturday, April 28, 2012
My Shared Thoughts
Dear Mom,
This is from another post that I wrote and I wanted to share it here with you! I love you!
I hate this disease!!!! This disease that changes a mom or dad and makes them become more like a child. I hate this disease that changes the way a husband or wife responds to a spouse, forgetting the many wonderful years they have spent knowing and loving one another. This disease that changes a brother and sister relationship, and keeps the person from remembering those special family memories, in only the way a brother or sister can. I hate this disease that changes a grandma or grandpa and keeps them from knowing their precious grandchildren. This disease that changes an outgoing, strong, confident individual into a shy, introverted, weak person. I hate this disease that changes an amazing cook...someone who always had people looking/asking for certain favorite foods at picnics or parties, to someone who doesn't realize that you don't need to put the burner on high to scramble an egg, someone who doesn't remember what condiments to put on certain foods, who ends up putting jelly or butter on french fries, and now doesn't even try to get near the stove for any type of cooking. This disease that changes a superb gardener... someone who always took care of her father's garden when he became an invalid and was no longer able to, who planted beautiful flowers around her own house in the spring and summer, and who always had beautiful plants throughout the house that people marveled at, into someone who doesn't remember to water the plants and is ready to throw them out if they start to wilt a little, and who has taken a strong liking to putting fake flowers in the front window instead. I hate this disease that changes someone who always kept up with keeping the house clean and neat, to someone who barely even knows how to wash dishes anymore, who takes her plate or cup that she just finished using, wipes them a little with a kleenex or napkin and sets them back in place on the table for the next day, who puts forks, spoons, and knives back in the silverware drawer with food or butter or sauce still on them. This disease that changes a clean, put-together person and keeps them from being able to properly clean themselves or clean up after themselves, especially with bigger messes, though they try, which often times makes matters worse. I hate this disease that keeps a person from knowing what day it is, let alone the month or even the season. This disease where time is non-existent; the person becomes unaware of how many hours have passed, has no idea how late or how early it is, or how inconvenient that can be at times. I hate this disease where a person who has zipped, countless jackets, and buttoned countless pants or shirts, as a daycare provider for 22 years, now finds that to be a very difficult task to complete for themselves. This disease where a people person doesn't want to answer the phone or let anyone in the house because they are so unsure of themselves and their ability to properly communicate. I hate this disease where the person that once taught me to read by reading to me so much as a child and taught me to sound out words so that I could become a better reader (to the point that I read to my K-5 class), can barely read a few words from a magazine or on TV. This disease that keeps a person, from when they finally do answer the phone, from taking a proper message (it ends up being my name, shakily written with an illegible number underneath it), then asks me who it could be. I hate this disease that does not allow the person to remember what you just told them, but amazingly enough an old, familiar song comes on and they can sing or hum that without a problem. This disease that makes a person ask the same questions countless times. This disease that takes someone who used to be or at least used to seem to be fearless, and changes them into someone who has become more frightened of things, and sometimes things that aren't there (although it has been a while since that has taken place). This disease that takes away words, memories, thoughts, and holds them captive. This disease that has taken away my ability to ask or talk about old memories. This disease that has taken away the person who holds the most memories with me, the only person to be able to share some things with...the person who I would love to go back and reminisce with, former kids that were at daycare, former church friends, former family friends, former jobs and friends from jobs, former school friends...for both of us. This disease that has taken away all memories of the countless, wonderful family vacations. This disease that destroys memories, even new ones that try to be made, it eats them away so quickly! I hate this disease which has no cure, though, I am thankful for the meds that can help slow the progression some. I hate this disease that has made me feel more like a single mother, or actually just a full-time caregiver...who doesn't have a clue what she is doing or if it's the right thing or not, rather than a beloved, special, doted on, and loved only child. This disease that has almost, but not quite made my position as daughter a forgotten place, with that one time that I was called sister. I hate this disease!!! But I LOVE the person that has this awful disease, and I continue to pray for a cure! If not for my beloved mom, then at least for someone else who is suffering with or is caring for someone who is suffering with this awful disease.
Lord, you know how I feel about this disease, you have been with me every step of the way! Thank you for being there. Thank you for helping me! Please continue to help me and give me wisdom as I strive to take the best care of my mom. Lord, you didn't just give me to her and my dad, you gave us to each other, and I want to take the proper care of her in the best way I know how, for as long as I can, with your help and wisdom. Please help me to do that! Please give me the courage, strength, and wisdom. Please help there to be a cure found for this awful disease soon, because I hate this disease!!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
What am I Going to Do With You?
Dear Mom,
After the scare of some of those slight changes, and the emergency room visit, you have been better. Not great by any means, but better. You haven't choked necessarily, but you say once in a while that something is caught in the back of your throat. You sniff really hard, and then try to cough, and then sniff in some more. You close your eyes as if it's hard for you to swallow easily. Whatever is going on it really bothers you. I feel badly because I'm not sure how to help you. You just seem to continue to be getting weaker, and struggling more to have conversations. I have still been able to go where I need to go and do things I need or like to do. But.....last week you changed the rules again. On Tuesday, I got a phone call from Keep Me Home saying that the homemaker/companion was outside and was not able to get in the house. Well, that made me nervous because that's what happened the other Friday when I came home to you still sitting on the edge of the bed unable to get up. Oddly enough though, this time, I wasn't quite as nervous as that Friday. I think the reason is because when I left you, you were doing and feeling fine and eating your breakfast. But I did leave school early to get home to check on you. I walk in the house, am greeted by Bella, and look for you. You are sitting right on the couch in the living room. You look and say hi to me. I'm a little shocked and ask what you are doing. You tell me just sitting in the living room...um yea, I can see that. Lol But why didn't you answer the door for the homemaker/companion? You tell me, " Oh, I didn't feel like getting up." Uhhh....what??!?!!?! Seriously?? You say, "I didn't want to answer it, they don't like Bella." I tell you that you can't do that. You have to open the door, they are getting paid to come help out here. You ask me about 20 times if I'm going back to school (you have gotten in the habit of asking me that when I get home). I tell you no, that I'm not even supposed to be here. Then you ask why I am there. I have to tell you what happened again, how you did not open the door for the homemaker/companion. This time you say, "I was sitting right here, I don't know why they couldn't get in." I tell you it's because you didn't let them in. Then later on it becomes, "I didn't hear anybody." OK, well, just make sure tomorrow you open the door and let them in. Even though I know you will not even remember that statement in the next couple of minutes. Well, I got a chance to relax a little longer before making dinner that night. Wednesday morning I told you before I left to make sure to open the door for the homemaker/companion. You told me that you don't like them coming, but I tell you that it's a help to me...although this girl hasn't been maybe as much of a help as I would like. She has been doing lots of reorganizing lately. The pantry... the refrigerator.....under the bathroom sink.....uh...yea, not a fan of that. You probably aren't either, but don't know how to express it, and I still haven't learned to totally speak up either. Wednesday afternoon while I was monitoring a keyboarding class, my phone started vibrating and I looked at the caller ID and it was Keep Me Home. I couldn't answer it then, but later on I listened to the message that said the homemaker/companion couldn't get in again. OK, this was now becoming a problem. I had to go to a couple of stores that afternoon, so I did. When I got home, just as I suspected......you were fine, just hadn't opened the door...again! But when I walked into the house it didn't smell right. I went to kiss you, and checked you and you had stuff on your socks and the bottom of your pants legs and your legs. I looked in the bathroom and saw that you did have an accident as I thought. There was stuff on the floor that you tried to wipe up and on the seat of the toilet. I told you that you needed to go take your bath. The smell was getting to me and I wanted to get it cleaned up as soon as possible. When you got up there was stuff on the back of your pants, too. So I knew I would need to try to clean the couch somehow. I used vinegar and wiped it down really well. I went to check on you and to help you because I know sometimes it's hard for you to get everything cleaned well. While you were finishing up in there, I was getting dinner ready and cleaning the kitchen a little bit. I knew by that point I wasn't going to make it to church, so I got changed into cleaning-mode clothes and went to work in the bathroom. I used vinegar, Fantastic with Oxy Power, and Clorox wipes all over. Then used the Swiffer Wet Jet on the floor. I took out the garbage and did the laundry. Tired, but content that I got most of the smell taken care of, I went downstairs to relax a little. Thursday was fine, and Friday.....well, I got another phone call. I was subbing for 6th grade all day, sadly. Not a fan of subbing. Interestingly enough I had just talked to your pastor at school and he said that he had stopped by to see you. I asked him if he got in. He said he was persistent and he did, and had a good visit, but also noticed that you seemed a little worse. When I had a free moment I called them back and told them that maybe this girl was just not going to work out. I really feel that was the Lord giving me wisdom, and an opportunity to speak up. I asked them for an older person possibly who would relate to you more, engage you more, and not just talk you to death. So, we'll see how this goes! But you've got to be good for me and open the door when they come, so I don't have to keep getting phone calls while I'm trying to teach...please... I know this isn't easy for either of us, but it's very helpful. So, I'm just going to keep praying for that wisdom and help....and strength from the Lord. I got a spare key made that I am going to leave with our neighbor, the one who brings you to church. I figure they can go see her and she can help them get in if need be. Although you have been difficult and a bit naughty, I love you. I miss the you that I used to know, but I love the you that I know now, too. You mean so much to me! I pray for many more years together! Love you!
After the scare of some of those slight changes, and the emergency room visit, you have been better. Not great by any means, but better. You haven't choked necessarily, but you say once in a while that something is caught in the back of your throat. You sniff really hard, and then try to cough, and then sniff in some more. You close your eyes as if it's hard for you to swallow easily. Whatever is going on it really bothers you. I feel badly because I'm not sure how to help you. You just seem to continue to be getting weaker, and struggling more to have conversations. I have still been able to go where I need to go and do things I need or like to do. But.....last week you changed the rules again. On Tuesday, I got a phone call from Keep Me Home saying that the homemaker/companion was outside and was not able to get in the house. Well, that made me nervous because that's what happened the other Friday when I came home to you still sitting on the edge of the bed unable to get up. Oddly enough though, this time, I wasn't quite as nervous as that Friday. I think the reason is because when I left you, you were doing and feeling fine and eating your breakfast. But I did leave school early to get home to check on you. I walk in the house, am greeted by Bella, and look for you. You are sitting right on the couch in the living room. You look and say hi to me. I'm a little shocked and ask what you are doing. You tell me just sitting in the living room...um yea, I can see that. Lol But why didn't you answer the door for the homemaker/companion? You tell me, " Oh, I didn't feel like getting up." Uhhh....what??!?!!?! Seriously?? You say, "I didn't want to answer it, they don't like Bella." I tell you that you can't do that. You have to open the door, they are getting paid to come help out here. You ask me about 20 times if I'm going back to school (you have gotten in the habit of asking me that when I get home). I tell you no, that I'm not even supposed to be here. Then you ask why I am there. I have to tell you what happened again, how you did not open the door for the homemaker/companion. This time you say, "I was sitting right here, I don't know why they couldn't get in." I tell you it's because you didn't let them in. Then later on it becomes, "I didn't hear anybody." OK, well, just make sure tomorrow you open the door and let them in. Even though I know you will not even remember that statement in the next couple of minutes. Well, I got a chance to relax a little longer before making dinner that night. Wednesday morning I told you before I left to make sure to open the door for the homemaker/companion. You told me that you don't like them coming, but I tell you that it's a help to me...although this girl hasn't been maybe as much of a help as I would like. She has been doing lots of reorganizing lately. The pantry... the refrigerator.....under the bathroom sink.....uh...yea, not a fan of that. You probably aren't either, but don't know how to express it, and I still haven't learned to totally speak up either. Wednesday afternoon while I was monitoring a keyboarding class, my phone started vibrating and I looked at the caller ID and it was Keep Me Home. I couldn't answer it then, but later on I listened to the message that said the homemaker/companion couldn't get in again. OK, this was now becoming a problem. I had to go to a couple of stores that afternoon, so I did. When I got home, just as I suspected......you were fine, just hadn't opened the door...again! But when I walked into the house it didn't smell right. I went to kiss you, and checked you and you had stuff on your socks and the bottom of your pants legs and your legs. I looked in the bathroom and saw that you did have an accident as I thought. There was stuff on the floor that you tried to wipe up and on the seat of the toilet. I told you that you needed to go take your bath. The smell was getting to me and I wanted to get it cleaned up as soon as possible. When you got up there was stuff on the back of your pants, too. So I knew I would need to try to clean the couch somehow. I used vinegar and wiped it down really well. I went to check on you and to help you because I know sometimes it's hard for you to get everything cleaned well. While you were finishing up in there, I was getting dinner ready and cleaning the kitchen a little bit. I knew by that point I wasn't going to make it to church, so I got changed into cleaning-mode clothes and went to work in the bathroom. I used vinegar, Fantastic with Oxy Power, and Clorox wipes all over. Then used the Swiffer Wet Jet on the floor. I took out the garbage and did the laundry. Tired, but content that I got most of the smell taken care of, I went downstairs to relax a little. Thursday was fine, and Friday.....well, I got another phone call. I was subbing for 6th grade all day, sadly. Not a fan of subbing. Interestingly enough I had just talked to your pastor at school and he said that he had stopped by to see you. I asked him if he got in. He said he was persistent and he did, and had a good visit, but also noticed that you seemed a little worse. When I had a free moment I called them back and told them that maybe this girl was just not going to work out. I really feel that was the Lord giving me wisdom, and an opportunity to speak up. I asked them for an older person possibly who would relate to you more, engage you more, and not just talk you to death. So, we'll see how this goes! But you've got to be good for me and open the door when they come, so I don't have to keep getting phone calls while I'm trying to teach...please... I know this isn't easy for either of us, but it's very helpful. So, I'm just going to keep praying for that wisdom and help....and strength from the Lord. I got a spare key made that I am going to leave with our neighbor, the one who brings you to church. I figure they can go see her and she can help them get in if need be. Although you have been difficult and a bit naughty, I love you. I miss the you that I used to know, but I love the you that I know now, too. You mean so much to me! I pray for many more years together! Love you!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Slight Changes
Dear Mom,
Spring break had some good moments and some not so great ones. A couple of days in a row at the beginning of the week after you ate breakfast...and then again after you ate dinner, you would start to feel sick. I don't know if you were eating too much, or too fast, but you would start to act like you were going to throw up. It made me nervous each time, it was so strange! You may have done it before, but definitely not as much as you had lately. You also choked a few times when you were drinking. You just kept coughing, then you would put your head in your hands as if you were totally wiped out. Some of your meds had also run out. So with each of these different developments I decided to call the doctor so we could get an appointment. They were able to give us an appointment on Thursday. You were fine in the middle of the day. A couple of days you even wanted to go out for a ride in the car. You and Bella enjoyed hanging out in the car while I got some things done. Then Thursday came and I brought you to the doctor. I told her some of my concerns and she wanted to find out right away if there was anything serious going on. She wanted you to have blood work done a while ago, but I never got it done. It was difficult because all the locations for your bloodwork were at least half an hour away, plus you were supposed to fast before. So, those two things made for a difficult plan to get that done. So the doctor's plan was to have us go over to the emergency room at the hospital near her office so we could get many different tests done right away. Originally, because I had made the appointment at 3, I hoped we would get in there and out of there before dinner time and hoped to go visit a cool cupcake place. I was so excited because I heard some great things about this cupcake place. They have a maple bacon cupcake that I am dying to try. Well, even though we were there at three, and were out of there by a little before 4, we had to go right over to the hospital emergency room. I am not familiar with this hospital, so that was a little weird, too. I got a wheelchair and figured out where we needed to go, and got you all checked in. They got you changed into a gown, set up on a monitor and took some blood. You were cold, so they found some blankets for you. After all that they took you for a scan of some kind I think, then you came back. They tried to take some more blood, but had a hard time finding a vein to get some, but you were a trooper. I was reading a good book, so it was nice to read while we waited. They wanted to take a urine sample, but you already needed to go the the bathroom and mentioned to me that you had already gone in your Depends. You told me that twice. Not long after you told me is when they came in to get the sample. I told them you had already gone. The took the Depends off and they put a bed pan under you. You just weren't able to go again, so one of the nurses asked if he could use a catheter. They were hoping to get the tests done as quickly as they possible. I worried about how you would handle it, and I warned them of such. But you did amazingly well, I was so surprised and proud of you! Next thing I knew it was 8 o'clock, and it didn't seem that you were done yet, and poor Bella was at home waiting to go out. The doctor had come in to tell me that the blood that they had been trying to get from your hand just wasn't able to be checked properly because as it hit against the vial some part of it would break apart and they couldn't get an accurate read. So she asked if it would be OK to take it from your groin area with a larger needle. I didn't know how you would do with that, but I told her you did better with the catheter than I could have imagined! So I gave her permission to try. You did very well with that as well! When that was done, I rushed home to Bella to take her out before I rushed back to see if I could take you home. I have to admit I was getting a little anxious because your doctor said she would see how the tests went, and then determine whether she would keep you in the hospital. I really hoped and prayed you wouldn't have to do that. First of all this wasn't our normal hospital, then I didn't know how you would do. You get so nervous when I'm not right with you. I was getting a little emotional about that thought. Plus, you hadn't even eaten since 2. When I came back, not too long afterward the doctor came in and said that all the tests came back fine, and your doctor said you could come home. I was so thankful for that!! We went to McDonald's so we could get something to eat, then finally headed home. Definitely different than the plans I had, but it's just great to know things were good. And once again your strength and resolve amaze me!! So thankful you're OK! I love you!
Spring break had some good moments and some not so great ones. A couple of days in a row at the beginning of the week after you ate breakfast...and then again after you ate dinner, you would start to feel sick. I don't know if you were eating too much, or too fast, but you would start to act like you were going to throw up. It made me nervous each time, it was so strange! You may have done it before, but definitely not as much as you had lately. You also choked a few times when you were drinking. You just kept coughing, then you would put your head in your hands as if you were totally wiped out. Some of your meds had also run out. So with each of these different developments I decided to call the doctor so we could get an appointment. They were able to give us an appointment on Thursday. You were fine in the middle of the day. A couple of days you even wanted to go out for a ride in the car. You and Bella enjoyed hanging out in the car while I got some things done. Then Thursday came and I brought you to the doctor. I told her some of my concerns and she wanted to find out right away if there was anything serious going on. She wanted you to have blood work done a while ago, but I never got it done. It was difficult because all the locations for your bloodwork were at least half an hour away, plus you were supposed to fast before. So, those two things made for a difficult plan to get that done. So the doctor's plan was to have us go over to the emergency room at the hospital near her office so we could get many different tests done right away. Originally, because I had made the appointment at 3, I hoped we would get in there and out of there before dinner time and hoped to go visit a cool cupcake place. I was so excited because I heard some great things about this cupcake place. They have a maple bacon cupcake that I am dying to try. Well, even though we were there at three, and were out of there by a little before 4, we had to go right over to the hospital emergency room. I am not familiar with this hospital, so that was a little weird, too. I got a wheelchair and figured out where we needed to go, and got you all checked in. They got you changed into a gown, set up on a monitor and took some blood. You were cold, so they found some blankets for you. After all that they took you for a scan of some kind I think, then you came back. They tried to take some more blood, but had a hard time finding a vein to get some, but you were a trooper. I was reading a good book, so it was nice to read while we waited. They wanted to take a urine sample, but you already needed to go the the bathroom and mentioned to me that you had already gone in your Depends. You told me that twice. Not long after you told me is when they came in to get the sample. I told them you had already gone. The took the Depends off and they put a bed pan under you. You just weren't able to go again, so one of the nurses asked if he could use a catheter. They were hoping to get the tests done as quickly as they possible. I worried about how you would handle it, and I warned them of such. But you did amazingly well, I was so surprised and proud of you! Next thing I knew it was 8 o'clock, and it didn't seem that you were done yet, and poor Bella was at home waiting to go out. The doctor had come in to tell me that the blood that they had been trying to get from your hand just wasn't able to be checked properly because as it hit against the vial some part of it would break apart and they couldn't get an accurate read. So she asked if it would be OK to take it from your groin area with a larger needle. I didn't know how you would do with that, but I told her you did better with the catheter than I could have imagined! So I gave her permission to try. You did very well with that as well! When that was done, I rushed home to Bella to take her out before I rushed back to see if I could take you home. I have to admit I was getting a little anxious because your doctor said she would see how the tests went, and then determine whether she would keep you in the hospital. I really hoped and prayed you wouldn't have to do that. First of all this wasn't our normal hospital, then I didn't know how you would do. You get so nervous when I'm not right with you. I was getting a little emotional about that thought. Plus, you hadn't even eaten since 2. When I came back, not too long afterward the doctor came in and said that all the tests came back fine, and your doctor said you could come home. I was so thankful for that!! We went to McDonald's so we could get something to eat, then finally headed home. Definitely different than the plans I had, but it's just great to know things were good. And once again your strength and resolve amaze me!! So thankful you're OK! I love you!
Friday, March 23, 2012
Spring Break and a Scare
Dear Mom,
Today was my last day of school ( a half day at that!) before spring break! I have been so ready for this day to come and go! With all the busy, craziness of the past few weeks, this has been long overdue! This morning I left for work with you sitting on the edge of the bed, getting your clothes on. You hadn't gotten up and walked around yet, but it was getting later and I needed to head to school. The homemaker/companion would be coming later. So, I left you there and went to school. I think we were all tired, so it was a weird morning. I was ready to be done with the day and onto spring break. Well, the end of the day came quicker than I expected. We got through our subjects and we were just about to start our reading time, when I got a call from Keep Me Home. They said the homemaker/companion had been knocking and ringing for about a half hour, but you never came to the door. They just wanted to check and see if everything was OK. Well, that got my heart pumping and I was quite awake by that point. I didn't want to scare the kids, so I just told them they could head back to their classroom and read there and I wished them a wonderful spring break. I went to the office to let them know I was leaving, then made the trek home. It is a 25-30 min. drive that seemed to take hours today as I just tried to get home to check on you. When I finally got home, I burst into the house and there you were still sitting on the edge of the bed. You had your top on as you did when I left, but you hadn't pulled your pants all the way up and you were leaning over to the side a little bit with the walker in front of you. When I asked what was wrong, you just told me you hurt all over. I was finally able to get you up and to the bathroom, while I changed the bed. You seemed to not even realize until I got you up that the bed was so wet. I washed you up a little and got a change of clothes. When you were finally able to get up you wanted to go sit in the living room. So, I helped you in there. You kept asking me if I was going back to church. I told you I was at school and no, I wasn't going back because I couldn't leave you by yourself. Plus it was only a half day anyway. You seem to be a little better, you got up and went to the bathroom on your own a little earlier, though you had a mishap that I had to clean up. You tried to do it yourself, but didn't quite do it. I got the rest of it. Now you're relaxing in bed waiting for me to bring Bella to bed. We're coming now. I'm praying for you and we will be making a doctor visit next week, since it's my spring break. A bit of a scary way to start my spring break. I had to remind myself several times on the way home to be calm and just trust. The Lord helped me to do that, though there were some weak moments when I really did think the worst. Thankfully the Lord would bring my mind back to keeping calm and trusting. But, it is spring break, so we will have some time to spend together this week! I'm looking forward to it! I'm so glad you are OK. You had me worried there for a bit!! Praying for you! Love you!
Today was my last day of school ( a half day at that!) before spring break! I have been so ready for this day to come and go! With all the busy, craziness of the past few weeks, this has been long overdue! This morning I left for work with you sitting on the edge of the bed, getting your clothes on. You hadn't gotten up and walked around yet, but it was getting later and I needed to head to school. The homemaker/companion would be coming later. So, I left you there and went to school. I think we were all tired, so it was a weird morning. I was ready to be done with the day and onto spring break. Well, the end of the day came quicker than I expected. We got through our subjects and we were just about to start our reading time, when I got a call from Keep Me Home. They said the homemaker/companion had been knocking and ringing for about a half hour, but you never came to the door. They just wanted to check and see if everything was OK. Well, that got my heart pumping and I was quite awake by that point. I didn't want to scare the kids, so I just told them they could head back to their classroom and read there and I wished them a wonderful spring break. I went to the office to let them know I was leaving, then made the trek home. It is a 25-30 min. drive that seemed to take hours today as I just tried to get home to check on you. When I finally got home, I burst into the house and there you were still sitting on the edge of the bed. You had your top on as you did when I left, but you hadn't pulled your pants all the way up and you were leaning over to the side a little bit with the walker in front of you. When I asked what was wrong, you just told me you hurt all over. I was finally able to get you up and to the bathroom, while I changed the bed. You seemed to not even realize until I got you up that the bed was so wet. I washed you up a little and got a change of clothes. When you were finally able to get up you wanted to go sit in the living room. So, I helped you in there. You kept asking me if I was going back to church. I told you I was at school and no, I wasn't going back because I couldn't leave you by yourself. Plus it was only a half day anyway. You seem to be a little better, you got up and went to the bathroom on your own a little earlier, though you had a mishap that I had to clean up. You tried to do it yourself, but didn't quite do it. I got the rest of it. Now you're relaxing in bed waiting for me to bring Bella to bed. We're coming now. I'm praying for you and we will be making a doctor visit next week, since it's my spring break. A bit of a scary way to start my spring break. I had to remind myself several times on the way home to be calm and just trust. The Lord helped me to do that, though there were some weak moments when I really did think the worst. Thankfully the Lord would bring my mind back to keeping calm and trusting. But, it is spring break, so we will have some time to spend together this week! I'm looking forward to it! I'm so glad you are OK. You had me worried there for a bit!! Praying for you! Love you!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Always Changing
Dear Mom,
It's officially spring, although it feels like officially summer with temperatures in the 80's today! I know many people love that, but it's a little warm for me. Recess wasn't bad, but when I took Bella out this afternoon I was dying. :) The weather isn't all that is changing. If you remember we had our bout of sickness a few weeks ago. After that, you were doing much better. I hadn't had to change your bed for about a week. You weren't complaining and your spirits were up. Saturday I had to proctor an SAT Prep class from 9-1. You and Bella did fine at home while I was gone. I think you thought it was just a regular school day. I shouldn't tell you, but I even went to get my nails done...yes, sorry without you this time. By the time I left the school, it was later than I planned and I wasn't sure if our friend Chucky was coming over to have me sign some papers. He bought my Camry from me, but we still had paper work to get done to finalize everything. His mom told me that he was fixing up my car for a man that is not expected to live long, but he needs and wants to have some transportation. I thought that was great! I told him I would probably be home by 4. If I had tried to stop home, then go do our nails, we would not have made it back on time. I just made it back by about 4. We didn't end up getting together until Monday night. Oh well. I stopped off at McDonald's before I came home and got dinner, and since it was St. Patrick's Day, I just had to get Shamrock shakes for us! :) We both enjoyed those very much...you even told me I should go back out and get us a couple more, hahaha! I was tempted to, believe me! I got a good laugh about that. Sunday you went to church and did well. You even remembered to tell me that your pastor was going to be going away this week. I was pretty impressed about that. You were doing well, I did end up having to change the bed again a couple mornings in a row, which was strange to get used to since you had gone so long without me having to change it. You have been getting up earlier lately. I'm not sure if you hear my alarm and get up or if you are up before then. When my alarm goes off I snooze it a couple of times before I get up, but your TV is usually on when I walk by your room. Monday you didn't have the TV on, and you didn't seem your usual self, or should I just say the self that you were for the past week. You started complaining again that you hurt all over, you hadn't complained about that in a while. Then one morning right when I was on my way out the door to head to school, you were a little whiny and said you couldn't find your glasses. They weren't in the case you had on the dresser. I took my coat off so I could look around, but you were right in the way of where I needed to look. I was getting a little frustrated, because you were just sitting there kind of sulking, so I told you that I couldn't look for them properly because you were sitting in the way. You moved and I looked around a little more, finally I found them in a different case on the floor under a little table by your bed. I brought them out to you, then you were kinda whiny and grunting trying to get your sneakers on. I sighed and helped you put them on. It's been hard between school and here with you. I think part of the frustration has been that I have had to sub an awful lot this year. I really don't like subbing at all! It makes me very uncomfortable, and it's not fair to my students. So, it has been tough, but I can't tell you about it because you won't understand. So, I just have to deal with it. Then twice this week you looked at me and commented on how big my stomach is, saying that I looked pregnant! Ugh, I know that you don't mean it, and most times I am OK about it, but one night when you said it, I went to my room and just had to cry it out. It hurts sometimes, especially when that is a desire. Yesterday we had a half day of school. I didn't want to get home too early because I didn't want to run into the companion. She talks my ear off each time I'm home. She doesn't clean or spend time with you when I'm home either. Lately she has even taken to organizing/reorganizing the pantry and under the sink in the bathroom (that's a little personal). I'm not OK with that, because I would rather her clean more and spend time with you. I don't really think she is supposed to be doing things like that. It bothers me that there is something sticky on the floor underneath you when I get home, but soap and cleaners and other things under the sink in the bathroom are moved around. Plus, if she moves things around that is not helpful to you...or to me! I am trying to get up the nerve to call Keep Me Home and ask for a different person. It's hard for me, but I really think I need to. So, I drove around for quite a while yesterday trying to avoid having to run into her. That was a pain, I was tired and hungry, but I just stayed away until she was gone. I even went to visit pappy's grave. It was a beautiful day and I just spent a few minutes with him...I miss him! I know you do, too! When I finally did get home, I sat at the kitchen table eating my cereal as I always do after school. You were sitting at the other end of the table watching TV. At one point, I heard words from you that I have been hoping to avoid for a while longer. You looked at me and said, "You're my sister, right?" (heartbreak) I said, "No, mom, you're my mother." You didn't really say much and just went back to watching TV. You have definitely been off this week. I have been struggling this week . I miss having you to talk to, especially about some of the school things. Last Monday and Tuesday I ended up subbing, on Monday, for 1st and 2nd for about a half hour, then had my students for about an hour before I was asked to sub for 3rd and 4th. Then last Tuesday I had to sub for K-4 and K-5. The rest of the week I only had 1 student because the other one was sick. Wednesday I had my girl, but my boy was sick, and Thursday and Friday, I had my boy, but my girl was sick. Then this past Monday as I said I was in kindergarten again. I have been trying to have the right attitude, and I love the kindergarten class, but I just don't like subbing much. I am looking forward to spring break next week...and the end of the school year in hopes that things will be normal again. Oh well. Miss sharing stuff like this with you and getting your godly wisdom, but that's why I write these to you...it helps. Your daughter misses that part of you, but loves you dearly! Love you!
It's officially spring, although it feels like officially summer with temperatures in the 80's today! I know many people love that, but it's a little warm for me. Recess wasn't bad, but when I took Bella out this afternoon I was dying. :) The weather isn't all that is changing. If you remember we had our bout of sickness a few weeks ago. After that, you were doing much better. I hadn't had to change your bed for about a week. You weren't complaining and your spirits were up. Saturday I had to proctor an SAT Prep class from 9-1. You and Bella did fine at home while I was gone. I think you thought it was just a regular school day. I shouldn't tell you, but I even went to get my nails done...yes, sorry without you this time. By the time I left the school, it was later than I planned and I wasn't sure if our friend Chucky was coming over to have me sign some papers. He bought my Camry from me, but we still had paper work to get done to finalize everything. His mom told me that he was fixing up my car for a man that is not expected to live long, but he needs and wants to have some transportation. I thought that was great! I told him I would probably be home by 4. If I had tried to stop home, then go do our nails, we would not have made it back on time. I just made it back by about 4. We didn't end up getting together until Monday night. Oh well. I stopped off at McDonald's before I came home and got dinner, and since it was St. Patrick's Day, I just had to get Shamrock shakes for us! :) We both enjoyed those very much...you even told me I should go back out and get us a couple more, hahaha! I was tempted to, believe me! I got a good laugh about that. Sunday you went to church and did well. You even remembered to tell me that your pastor was going to be going away this week. I was pretty impressed about that. You were doing well, I did end up having to change the bed again a couple mornings in a row, which was strange to get used to since you had gone so long without me having to change it. You have been getting up earlier lately. I'm not sure if you hear my alarm and get up or if you are up before then. When my alarm goes off I snooze it a couple of times before I get up, but your TV is usually on when I walk by your room. Monday you didn't have the TV on, and you didn't seem your usual self, or should I just say the self that you were for the past week. You started complaining again that you hurt all over, you hadn't complained about that in a while. Then one morning right when I was on my way out the door to head to school, you were a little whiny and said you couldn't find your glasses. They weren't in the case you had on the dresser. I took my coat off so I could look around, but you were right in the way of where I needed to look. I was getting a little frustrated, because you were just sitting there kind of sulking, so I told you that I couldn't look for them properly because you were sitting in the way. You moved and I looked around a little more, finally I found them in a different case on the floor under a little table by your bed. I brought them out to you, then you were kinda whiny and grunting trying to get your sneakers on. I sighed and helped you put them on. It's been hard between school and here with you. I think part of the frustration has been that I have had to sub an awful lot this year. I really don't like subbing at all! It makes me very uncomfortable, and it's not fair to my students. So, it has been tough, but I can't tell you about it because you won't understand. So, I just have to deal with it. Then twice this week you looked at me and commented on how big my stomach is, saying that I looked pregnant! Ugh, I know that you don't mean it, and most times I am OK about it, but one night when you said it, I went to my room and just had to cry it out. It hurts sometimes, especially when that is a desire. Yesterday we had a half day of school. I didn't want to get home too early because I didn't want to run into the companion. She talks my ear off each time I'm home. She doesn't clean or spend time with you when I'm home either. Lately she has even taken to organizing/reorganizing the pantry and under the sink in the bathroom (that's a little personal). I'm not OK with that, because I would rather her clean more and spend time with you. I don't really think she is supposed to be doing things like that. It bothers me that there is something sticky on the floor underneath you when I get home, but soap and cleaners and other things under the sink in the bathroom are moved around. Plus, if she moves things around that is not helpful to you...or to me! I am trying to get up the nerve to call Keep Me Home and ask for a different person. It's hard for me, but I really think I need to. So, I drove around for quite a while yesterday trying to avoid having to run into her. That was a pain, I was tired and hungry, but I just stayed away until she was gone. I even went to visit pappy's grave. It was a beautiful day and I just spent a few minutes with him...I miss him! I know you do, too! When I finally did get home, I sat at the kitchen table eating my cereal as I always do after school. You were sitting at the other end of the table watching TV. At one point, I heard words from you that I have been hoping to avoid for a while longer. You looked at me and said, "You're my sister, right?" (heartbreak) I said, "No, mom, you're my mother." You didn't really say much and just went back to watching TV. You have definitely been off this week. I have been struggling this week . I miss having you to talk to, especially about some of the school things. Last Monday and Tuesday I ended up subbing, on Monday, for 1st and 2nd for about a half hour, then had my students for about an hour before I was asked to sub for 3rd and 4th. Then last Tuesday I had to sub for K-4 and K-5. The rest of the week I only had 1 student because the other one was sick. Wednesday I had my girl, but my boy was sick, and Thursday and Friday, I had my boy, but my girl was sick. Then this past Monday as I said I was in kindergarten again. I have been trying to have the right attitude, and I love the kindergarten class, but I just don't like subbing much. I am looking forward to spring break next week...and the end of the school year in hopes that things will be normal again. Oh well. Miss sharing stuff like this with you and getting your godly wisdom, but that's why I write these to you...it helps. Your daughter misses that part of you, but loves you dearly! Love you!
Saturday, March 10, 2012
What a Difference a Week Makes!
Dear Mom,
Wow!! What a difference from last week to this past week. We went from being totally out of it, to pretty much back to normal. We went from eating toast, chicken soup, and oatmeal, to eating normally. It has been so nice to feel back to normal. You have really been doing well. Last week you struggled with accidents pretty much every morning. This past week.....there were no accidents at all, not even days that I woke up late and got you up later, nothing...not one accident...all week! I've gotten pretty spoiled. You did struggle though, with the fact that I had to leave you each day. You had gotten very used to me being home with you. You also have been forgetting to take Bella out, because for that week you never had to. The poor girl couldn't wait to go out when I got home. You also got back to eating normally again. My friend Angie had given us some pasta that she had made. One night I fixed that with some rolls, every once in a while you try to be a little helpless, so after you saw me butter my roll you asked me, "Can you butter me?" Well, you know how I am, so I put some butter on the knife and started to move it toward your hand, hee hee. You pulled your hand back and started cracking! Well, you asked me to butter you! It was great to feel well enough to really laugh! You have also definitely been back to eating your ice cream, too. The week we were sick you never asked for any. I didn't make a big deal about it when we were better. I think you forgot about it for a while. Well, this past Thursday, I got home from school and threw something in the trash. As I opened it, I saw two cartons of ice cream in the trash. Now don't worry it's not as bad as it seems, there were only a couple of spoonfuls left in one carton, and the other carton had already been half eaten. But it's been great seeing you doing so well this week! And it's nice for both of us to be able to feel back to normal...whatever that is, hee hee! I love you!
Wow!! What a difference from last week to this past week. We went from being totally out of it, to pretty much back to normal. We went from eating toast, chicken soup, and oatmeal, to eating normally. It has been so nice to feel back to normal. You have really been doing well. Last week you struggled with accidents pretty much every morning. This past week.....there were no accidents at all, not even days that I woke up late and got you up later, nothing...not one accident...all week! I've gotten pretty spoiled. You did struggle though, with the fact that I had to leave you each day. You had gotten very used to me being home with you. You also have been forgetting to take Bella out, because for that week you never had to. The poor girl couldn't wait to go out when I got home. You also got back to eating normally again. My friend Angie had given us some pasta that she had made. One night I fixed that with some rolls, every once in a while you try to be a little helpless, so after you saw me butter my roll you asked me, "Can you butter me?" Well, you know how I am, so I put some butter on the knife and started to move it toward your hand, hee hee. You pulled your hand back and started cracking! Well, you asked me to butter you! It was great to feel well enough to really laugh! You have also definitely been back to eating your ice cream, too. The week we were sick you never asked for any. I didn't make a big deal about it when we were better. I think you forgot about it for a while. Well, this past Thursday, I got home from school and threw something in the trash. As I opened it, I saw two cartons of ice cream in the trash. Now don't worry it's not as bad as it seems, there were only a couple of spoonfuls left in one carton, and the other carton had already been half eaten. But it's been great seeing you doing so well this week! And it's nice for both of us to be able to feel back to normal...whatever that is, hee hee! I love you!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
And So It Came...
Dear Mom,
Yes, it came, no...not the snow, though that did come this week, too. Sadly, I'm talking about.....the dreaded flu! I was just recently thinking that we were seeming to have escaped it...then it came! Monday morning as I was about to head to school you started throwing up a little. It was just a little, so I didn't think much of it, and thought maybe I would still try to make it into school. Then it happened again...and again...and again. All day you were struggling from both ends. It was not pretty. I pretty much did laundry all day Monday. I was starting to run out of towels and your pj's. Thankfully, the washer and dryer never gave out on me, so I kept up with it OK. It was a long, busy day. You wouldn't remember to put the bucket in front of you when you needed to throw up, so that's where it got tough. And no matter how much I would try to remind you, you didn't remember. I was just praying for Tuesday to come, because I figured if it was a 24 thing, then you would be done. Then we could just try to get you feeling better. Then....Tuesday came, with a whole new bag of tricks. That's when I started with it all...ugh! That was another long day! I was back and forth in the bathroom, and still trying to help you feel better. Here it is Thursday night and we are getting better, but still have a little of the symptoms left. Never imagined it would be this long! The morning has been the hardest because during the night you have unknowingly been going to the bathroom as you have before, but now it's with part of the sickness still affecting you. So, with my stomach already queasy and smells much more prevalent, with a greater chance of making me sick, it has been hard to change the bed in the morning. The Lord has shown His grace and blessings through it all, though! I am continually thankful that we did not get sick at the same time. The Lord knows we only have one bathroom, and when you were sick, you would go in...and stay in. You would fall asleep and be totally wiped out, many times I felt bad bothering you, so a couple of times you were in the bathroom for an hour or more. That would not have worked if we were both sick at the same time. A few times I would have to lift you or help you up from wherever you were seated because you didn't have strength to get up. If I had been sick at that same time, that probably wouldn't have worked either. The Lord also knew this was coming because He had me buy lots of groceries on Saturday, so we were good with that. Then your pastor and our neighbor have been taking great care of us with homemade chicken soup, grape gatorade which you love (who knew, never thought you would like gatorade), gingerale, and clorox wipes. We have been well taken care of! And slowly we're getting better. I'm not up to going to school tomorrow either, so I'll be home with you another day. And maybe we'll be eating more than just toast and chicken soup soon! I'm sorry that you have had a tough week, but boy, it once again just shows me how strong you are! You constantly amaze me! You have had some understandably very weak moments (such as the moment that you scared me awake very early one morning because you fell on the floor from your bed, I almost couldn't get you up, but eventually was able to), but you have also had some strong moments, and have been checking on me to make sure I'm feeling OK. You're so sweet as you constantly ask that, almost as if you're not feeling badly yourself. Praying we will keep getting better, be able to eat more, and get our strength back. In time, I know... I love you!
Yes, it came, no...not the snow, though that did come this week, too. Sadly, I'm talking about.....the dreaded flu! I was just recently thinking that we were seeming to have escaped it...then it came! Monday morning as I was about to head to school you started throwing up a little. It was just a little, so I didn't think much of it, and thought maybe I would still try to make it into school. Then it happened again...and again...and again. All day you were struggling from both ends. It was not pretty. I pretty much did laundry all day Monday. I was starting to run out of towels and your pj's. Thankfully, the washer and dryer never gave out on me, so I kept up with it OK. It was a long, busy day. You wouldn't remember to put the bucket in front of you when you needed to throw up, so that's where it got tough. And no matter how much I would try to remind you, you didn't remember. I was just praying for Tuesday to come, because I figured if it was a 24 thing, then you would be done. Then we could just try to get you feeling better. Then....Tuesday came, with a whole new bag of tricks. That's when I started with it all...ugh! That was another long day! I was back and forth in the bathroom, and still trying to help you feel better. Here it is Thursday night and we are getting better, but still have a little of the symptoms left. Never imagined it would be this long! The morning has been the hardest because during the night you have unknowingly been going to the bathroom as you have before, but now it's with part of the sickness still affecting you. So, with my stomach already queasy and smells much more prevalent, with a greater chance of making me sick, it has been hard to change the bed in the morning. The Lord has shown His grace and blessings through it all, though! I am continually thankful that we did not get sick at the same time. The Lord knows we only have one bathroom, and when you were sick, you would go in...and stay in. You would fall asleep and be totally wiped out, many times I felt bad bothering you, so a couple of times you were in the bathroom for an hour or more. That would not have worked if we were both sick at the same time. A few times I would have to lift you or help you up from wherever you were seated because you didn't have strength to get up. If I had been sick at that same time, that probably wouldn't have worked either. The Lord also knew this was coming because He had me buy lots of groceries on Saturday, so we were good with that. Then your pastor and our neighbor have been taking great care of us with homemade chicken soup, grape gatorade which you love (who knew, never thought you would like gatorade), gingerale, and clorox wipes. We have been well taken care of! And slowly we're getting better. I'm not up to going to school tomorrow either, so I'll be home with you another day. And maybe we'll be eating more than just toast and chicken soup soon! I'm sorry that you have had a tough week, but boy, it once again just shows me how strong you are! You constantly amaze me! You have had some understandably very weak moments (such as the moment that you scared me awake very early one morning because you fell on the floor from your bed, I almost couldn't get you up, but eventually was able to), but you have also had some strong moments, and have been checking on me to make sure I'm feeling OK. You're so sweet as you constantly ask that, almost as if you're not feeling badly yourself. Praying we will keep getting better, be able to eat more, and get our strength back. In time, I know... I love you!
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