Always Changing

Dear Mom,

It's officially spring, although it feels like officially summer with temperatures in the 80's today!  I know many people love that, but it's a little warm for me.  Recess wasn't bad, but when I took Bella out this afternoon I was dying. :)  The weather isn't all that is changing.  If you remember we had our bout of sickness a few weeks ago.  After that, you were doing much better.  I hadn't had to change your bed for about a week.  You weren't complaining and your spirits were up.  Saturday I had to proctor an SAT Prep class from 9-1.  You and Bella did fine at home while I was gone.  I think you thought it was just a regular school day.  I shouldn't tell you, but I even went to get my nails done...yes, sorry without you this time.  By the time I left the school, it was later than I planned and I wasn't sure if our friend Chucky was coming over to have me sign some papers.  He bought my Camry from me, but we still had paper work to get done to finalize everything.  His mom told me that he was fixing up my car for a man that is not expected to live long, but he needs and wants to have some transportation.  I thought that was great!  I told him I would probably be home by 4.  If I had tried to stop home, then go do our nails,  we would not have made it back on time.  I just made it back by about 4.  We didn't end up getting together until Monday night.  Oh well.  I stopped off at McDonald's before I came home and got dinner, and since it was St. Patrick's Day, I just  had to get Shamrock shakes for us! :)  We both enjoyed those very much...you even told me I should go back out and get us a couple more, hahaha!  I was tempted to, believe me!  I got a good laugh about that.  Sunday you went to church and did well.  You even remembered to tell me that your pastor was going to be going away this week.  I was pretty impressed about that.  You were doing well, I did end up having to change the bed again a couple mornings in a row, which was strange to get used to since you had gone so long without me having to change it.  You have been getting up earlier lately.  I'm not sure if you hear my alarm and get up or if you are up before then.  When my alarm goes off I snooze it a couple of times before I get up, but your TV is usually on when I walk by your room.  Monday you didn't have the TV on, and you didn't seem your usual self, or should I just say the self that you were for the past week.  You started complaining again that you hurt all over, you hadn't complained about that in a while.  Then one morning right when I was on my way out the door to head to school, you were a little whiny and said you couldn't find your glasses.  They weren't in the case you had on the dresser.  I took my coat off so I could look around, but you were right in the way of where I needed to look.  I was getting a little frustrated, because you were just sitting there kind of sulking, so I told you that I couldn't look for them properly because you were sitting in the way.  You moved and I looked around a little more, finally I found them in a different case on the floor under a little table by your bed.  I brought them out to you, then you were kinda whiny and grunting trying to get your sneakers on.  I sighed and helped you put them on.  It's been hard between school and here with you.  I think part of the frustration has been that I have had to sub an awful lot this year.  I really don't like subbing at all!  It makes me very uncomfortable, and it's not fair to my students.  So, it has been tough, but I can't tell you about it because you won't understand.  So, I just have to deal with it.  Then twice this week you looked at me and commented on how big my stomach is, saying that I looked pregnant!  Ugh, I know that you don't mean it, and most times I am OK about it, but one night when you said it, I went to my room and just had to cry it out.  It hurts sometimes, especially when that is a desire.  Yesterday we had a half day of school.  I didn't want to get home too early because I didn't want to run into the companion.  She talks my ear off each time I'm home.  She doesn't clean or spend time with you when I'm home either.  Lately she has even taken to organizing/reorganizing the pantry and under the sink in the bathroom (that's a little personal).  I'm not OK with that, because I would rather her clean more and spend time with you.  I don't really think she is supposed to be doing things like that.  It bothers me that there is something sticky on the floor underneath you when I get home, but soap and cleaners and other things under the sink in the bathroom are moved around.  Plus, if she moves things around that is not helpful to you...or to me!  I am trying to get up the nerve to call Keep Me Home and ask for a different person.  It's hard for me, but I really think I need to.  So, I drove around for quite a while yesterday trying to avoid having to run into her.  That was a pain, I was tired and hungry, but I just stayed away until she was gone.  I even went to visit pappy's grave.  It was a beautiful day and I just spent a few minutes with him...I miss him!  I know you do, too!  When I finally did get home, I sat at the kitchen table eating my cereal as I always do after school.  You were sitting at the other end of the table watching TV.  At one point, I heard words from you that I have been hoping to avoid for a while longer.  You looked at me and said, "You're my sister, right?"  (heartbreak)  I said, "No, mom, you're my mother."  You didn't really say much and just went back to watching TV.  You have definitely been off this week.  I have been struggling this week .  I miss having you to talk to, especially about some of the school things.  Last Monday and Tuesday I ended up subbing, on Monday, for 1st and 2nd for about a half hour, then had my students for about an hour before I was asked to sub for 3rd and 4th.  Then last Tuesday I had to sub for K-4 and K-5.  The rest of the week I only had 1 student because the other one was sick.  Wednesday I had my girl, but my boy was sick, and Thursday and Friday, I had my boy, but my girl was sick.  Then this past Monday as I said I was in kindergarten again.  I have been trying to have the right attitude, and I love the kindergarten class, but I just don't like subbing much.    I am looking forward to spring break next week...and the end of the school year in hopes that things will be normal again.  Oh well.  Miss sharing stuff like this with you and getting your godly wisdom, but that's why I write these to you...it helps.  Your daughter misses that part of you, but loves you dearly!  Love you!