Tuesday, April 17, 2012

What am I Going to Do With You?

Dear Mom,

After the scare of some of those slight changes, and the emergency room visit, you have been better.  Not great by any means, but better.  You haven't choked necessarily, but you say once in a while that something is caught in the back of your throat.  You sniff really hard, and then try to cough, and then sniff in some more.  You close your eyes as if it's hard for you to swallow easily.  Whatever is going on it really bothers you.  I feel badly because I'm not sure how to help you.  You just seem to continue to be getting weaker, and struggling more to have conversations.  I have still been able to go where I need to go and do things I need or like to do.  But.....last week you changed the rules again.  On Tuesday, I got a phone call from Keep Me Home saying that the homemaker/companion was outside and was not able to get in the house.  Well, that made me nervous because that's what happened the other Friday when I came home to you still sitting on the edge of the bed unable to get up.  Oddly enough though, this time, I wasn't quite as nervous as that Friday.  I think the reason is because when I left you, you were doing and feeling fine and eating your breakfast.  But I did leave school early to get home to check on you.  I walk in the house, am greeted by Bella, and look for you.  You are sitting right on the couch in the living room.  You look and say hi to me.  I'm a little shocked and ask what you are doing.  You tell me just sitting in the living room...um yea, I can see that. Lol  But why didn't you answer the door for the homemaker/companion?  You tell me, " Oh, I didn't feel like getting up."  Uhhh....what??!?!!?!  Seriously??  You say, "I didn't want to answer it, they don't like Bella."  I tell you that you can't do that.  You have to open the door, they are getting paid to come help out here.  You ask me about 20 times if I'm going back to school (you have gotten in the habit of asking me that when I get home).  I tell you no, that I'm not even supposed to be here.  Then you ask why I am there.  I have to tell you what happened again, how you did not open the door for the homemaker/companion.  This time you say, "I was sitting right here, I don't know why they couldn't get in."  I tell you it's because you didn't let them in.  Then later on it becomes, "I didn't hear anybody." OK, well, just make sure tomorrow you open the door and let them in.  Even though I know you will not even remember that statement in the next couple of minutes.  Well, I got a chance to relax a little longer before making dinner that night.  Wednesday morning I told you before I left to make sure to open the door for the homemaker/companion.  You told me that you don't like them coming, but I tell you that it's a help to me...although this girl hasn't been  maybe as much of a help as I would like.  She has been doing lots of reorganizing lately.  The pantry... the refrigerator.....under the bathroom sink.....uh...yea, not a fan of that.  You probably aren't either, but don't know how to express it, and I still haven't learned to totally speak up either.  Wednesday afternoon while I was monitoring a keyboarding class, my phone started vibrating and I looked at the caller ID and it was Keep Me Home.  I couldn't answer it then, but later on I listened to the message that said the homemaker/companion couldn't get in again.  OK, this was now becoming a problem.  I had to go to a couple of stores that afternoon, so I did.  When I got home, just as I suspected......you were fine, just hadn't opened the door...again!  But when I walked into the house it didn't smell right.  I went to kiss you, and checked you and you had stuff on your socks and the bottom of your pants legs and your legs.  I looked in the bathroom and saw that you did have an accident as I thought.  There was stuff on the floor that you tried to wipe up and on the seat of the toilet.  I told you that you needed to go take your bath.  The smell was getting to me and I wanted to get it cleaned up as soon as possible.  When you got up there was stuff on the back of your pants, too.  So I knew I would need to try to clean the couch somehow.  I used vinegar and wiped it down really well.  I went to check on you and to help you because I know sometimes it's hard for you to get everything cleaned well.  While you were finishing up in there, I was getting dinner ready and cleaning the kitchen a little bit.  I knew by that point I wasn't going to make it to church, so I got changed into cleaning-mode clothes and went to work in the bathroom.  I used vinegar, Fantastic with Oxy Power, and Clorox wipes all over.  Then used the Swiffer Wet Jet on the floor.  I took out the garbage and did the laundry.  Tired, but content that I got most of the smell taken care of, I went downstairs to relax a little.  Thursday was fine, and Friday.....well, I got another phone call.  I was subbing for 6th grade all day, sadly.  Not a fan of subbing.  Interestingly enough I had just talked to your pastor at school and he said that he had stopped by to see you.  I asked him if he got in.  He said he was persistent and he did, and had a good visit, but also noticed that you seemed a little worse.    When I had a free moment I called them back and told them that maybe this girl was just not going to work out.  I really feel that was the Lord giving me wisdom, and an opportunity to speak up.  I asked them for an older person possibly who would relate to you more, engage you more, and not just talk you to death.  So, we'll see how this goes!  But you've got to be good for me and open the door when they come, so I don't have to keep getting phone calls while I'm trying to teach...please...  I know this isn't easy for either of us, but it's very helpful.  So, I'm just going to keep praying for that wisdom and help....and strength from the Lord.  I got a spare key made that I am going to leave with our neighbor, the one who brings you to church.  I figure they can go see her and she can help them get in if need be.  Although you have been difficult and a bit naughty, I love you.  I miss the you that I used to know, but I love the you that I know now, too.  You mean so much to me!  I pray for many more years together!  Love you!


  1. I think it's so wonderful that you are doing your blog in letters to your mom. Every once in a while I check in and see what you have written and I always enjoy your letters.


  2. Thank you so much for your kind comment, Lizzie!! I enjoy your blog too! It's so helpful to know others can understand! :)