Saturday, April 28, 2012

My Shared Thoughts

Dear Mom,
This is from another post that I wrote and I wanted to share it here with you!  I love you!

I hate this disease!!!!  This disease that changes a mom or dad and makes them become more like a child.  I hate this disease that changes the way a husband or wife responds to a spouse, forgetting the many wonderful years they have spent knowing and loving one another.  This disease that changes a brother and sister relationship, and keeps the person from remembering those special family memories, in only the way a brother or sister can.  I hate this disease that changes a grandma or grandpa and keeps them from knowing their precious grandchildren.  This disease that changes an outgoing, strong, confident individual into a shy, introverted, weak person.  I hate this disease that changes an amazing cook...someone who always had people looking/asking for certain favorite foods at picnics or parties, to someone who doesn't realize that you don't need to put the burner on high to scramble an egg, someone who doesn't remember what condiments to put on certain foods, who ends up putting jelly or butter on french fries, and now doesn't even try to get near the stove for any type of cooking.  This disease that changes a superb gardener... someone who always took care of her father's garden when he became an invalid and was no longer able to, who planted beautiful flowers around her own house in the spring and summer, and who always had beautiful plants throughout the house that people marveled at, into someone who doesn't remember to water the plants and is ready to throw them out if they start to wilt a little, and who has taken a strong liking to putting fake flowers in the front window instead.  I hate this disease that changes someone who always kept up with keeping the house clean and neat, to someone who barely even knows how to wash dishes anymore, who takes her plate or cup that she just finished using, wipes them a little with a kleenex or napkin and sets them back in place on the table for the next day, who puts forks, spoons, and knives back in the silverware drawer with food or butter or sauce still on them.  This disease that changes a clean, put-together person and keeps them from being able to properly clean themselves or clean up after themselves, especially with bigger messes, though they try, which often times makes matters worse.  I hate this disease that keeps a person from knowing what day it is, let alone the month or even the season.  This disease where time is non-existent; the person becomes unaware of how many hours have passed, has no idea how late or how early it is, or how inconvenient that can be at times.  I hate this disease where a person who has zipped, countless jackets, and buttoned countless pants or shirts, as a daycare provider for 22 years, now finds that to be a very difficult task to complete for themselves.  This disease where a people person doesn't want to answer the phone or let anyone in the house because they are so unsure of themselves and their ability to properly communicate.  I hate this disease where the person that once taught me to read by reading to me so much as a child and taught me to sound out words so that I could become a better reader (to the point that I read to my K-5 class), can barely read a few words from a magazine or on TV.  This disease that keeps a person, from when they finally do answer the phone, from taking a proper message (it ends up being my name, shakily written with an illegible number underneath it), then asks me who it could be.  I hate this disease that does not allow the person to remember what you just told them, but amazingly enough an old, familiar song comes on and they can sing or hum that without a problem.  This disease that makes a person ask the same questions countless times.  This disease that takes someone who used to be or at least used to seem to be fearless, and changes them into someone who has become more frightened of things, and sometimes things that aren't there (although it has been a while since that has taken place).  This disease that takes away words, memories, thoughts, and holds them captive.  This disease that has taken away my ability to ask or talk about old memories.  This disease that has taken away the person who holds the most memories with me, the only person to be able to share some things with...the person who I would love to go back and reminisce with, former kids that were at daycare, former church friends, former family friends, former jobs and friends from jobs, former school friends...for both of us.  This disease that has taken away all memories of the countless, wonderful family vacations.  This disease that destroys memories, even new ones that try to be made, it eats them away so quickly!  I hate this disease which has no cure, though, I am thankful for the meds that can help slow the progression some.  I hate this disease that has made me feel more like a single mother, or actually just a full-time caregiver...who doesn't have a clue what she is doing or if it's the right thing or not, rather than a beloved, special, doted on, and loved only child. This disease that has almost, but not quite made my position as daughter a forgotten place, with that one time that I was called sister.  I hate this disease!!!  But I LOVE the person that has this awful disease, and I continue to pray for a cure!  If not for my beloved mom, then at least for someone else who is suffering with or is caring for someone who is suffering with this awful disease.
Lord, you know how I feel about this disease, you have been with me every step of the way!  Thank you for being there.  Thank you for helping me!  Please continue to help me and give me wisdom as I strive to take the best care of my mom.  Lord, you didn't just give me to her and my dad, you gave us to each other, and I want to take the proper care of her in the best way I know how, for as long as I can, with your help and wisdom.  Please help me to do that!  Please give me the courage, strength, and wisdom.  Please help there to be a cure found for this awful disease soon, because I hate this disease!!


  1. Hi Stacey,
    Thank you so much for your loving comments on my blog!

    I say, "AMEN" to all that you've said true, so true!!
    My perfect dream right now would be a medication that would stop Alzheimer's and restore all that's been lost. I pray that someday that will happen.

    I think of you and your mom often and keep you in my prayers.

  2. You are so welcome, Dolores! I think of you often! I'm with you in that dream!! It would be so wonderful! Praying for more special moments for you to hide in your heart and cherish!

  3. Stacey, it is such a help to me to be reminded that my mother's weird behaviors are due to the disease. I think the cruelest aspect of Alzheimer's is that my mother looks and sounds much as she always has, and so when she exhibits aberrant behaviors it is too easy to respond to her negatively, as though she were responsible for her actions. Of course I know better, I really do; but sometimes my heart doesn't know. For you to say it so clearly--"I love (my mother) but I hate this disease"--has reminded me that Mom's unreasonable behaviors are disease related. Lord please grant us a cure for this hateful disease, in Jesus' Name we pray.

  4. Your comment helped me so much, Linda!! It just helps when people understand! I, too have such trouble telling my heart to understand her better and with more compassion. Sometimes I get so easily frustrated, and I don't like that, but it's tough sometimes. Thanks for your sweet comment and encouragement!