Dear Mom,
I haven't posted in a while. We have been busy, but I have also been doing some other things and posting on my other blog. I think I will probably have to write a couple posts for you since it has been a while. You have been going back and forth lately doing ok, and not feeling well. Last Thursday we were able to go to see a taping of Better Connecticut. We went and you were glad. We had to fill out some paperwork, it was hard for you to do that. You didn't quite remember how to spell your name at first. Then you struggled knowing which was print and which was signature (cursive). You did fill it out though. We went in and got a couple of seats in the back. There were some friends in the front row. We sat and watched for a while. You of course were cold, so I had a jacket for you, a thin scarf, and some gloves. The gloves didn't match so you took them off, then you just let the scarf hang. You already had a turtleneck dickie on and an active wear jacket. We were disappointed because Scot wasn't going to be there that day. We did get to see Kara, and then Damon Scott was there to fill in for Scot. We enjoyed our time, but you kept saying you wished Scot would have been there. We got to see knotables necklaces, which were cool. We saw some awesome meat being cooked, it smelled delicious, but we didn't get any, sadly, haha. We got to see Kara interview Chris Knopf (?) an actor that I don't really know. They were talking about diabetes and eating healthier. We couldn't hear the interview, because of the satellite feed, but we could see him. It was fun! Then we had to wait for a few minutes after the taping was over so they could tape the teasers for the show. While they were doing those, I felt you lean hard on me, kind of jerking a little bit. I realized sadly that you were passing out. You scared me half to death. After a few seconds you came to. I fanned you because I figured you must have gotten really hot. I didn't want to say anything because they were doing the taping. So I just quietly fanned you and prayed that the Lord would help you. A little after you passed out again. I just kept fanning you and taking some of the things off of you so you wouldn't be so hot. You came to again and were ok. I never said anything to anyone, but thankfully you ended up being ok. I got you to the car ok, and cranked the air. For once you didn't complain. You must have really been hot. I'm glad you are ok, but I really hope and pray that you will continue to be ok. We kept busy over the weekend, but I think I will put that in another post. I love you so much and keep hoping and praying you will be healthy and well. Love you!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Quick note
Dear Mom,
I'm going to try to write just a quick note tonight. It's almost midnight and we have to get up early tomorrow! We are going to a taping of Better Connecticut!! I am so excited about it! I hope that you will feel up to it. It's been rainy and you were really hurting today. I haven't told you yet, I know you won't remember anyway. So tomorrow morning I'm just going to tell you that we have somewhere to be by 9:30 and go over to Rocky Hill. I think you will be just as excited as I am once we get there and you see where we are.
You were really off today. You got up and I told you I would be out for breakfast in about 15 minutes. I tried to go back to sleep, but Bella kept barking. So I just decided to get up, and you were already sitting at the table eating breakfast. You were just so ready to take your medicine because you were hurting. I gave you the other half of the egg sandwich you didn't finish yesterday and the other half of the orange from two days ago. After breakfast I went to try to lay back down, but you called me, as if you really needed something. You have gotten into this habit of calling me and then not answering when I say yes and ask what you want. You want me to come to you, so I have to get out of bed and leave my room and go to your door. Today you just said, I don't know what today is. So, I told you. Then you asked the every day question, "Do I have church?" You wanted to know what time it was, and then were glad it wasn't this morning. I decided to just get up and go downstairs to do a little exercise on my Wii. Then I was just going to take a nap downstairs, that was probably the only place I would be able to. After a little while you came down too, so I knew that nap wouldn't be coming right away or at least that it wouldn't be in the comfy recliner as I was hoping. That's where I let you sit when you come down. We watched TV and talked a little bit, not talk talk, but mostly commenting on something on TV or you asking me the same questions. Then you out of the blue asked me what church I went to. I was surprised that you didn't know. I told you Emmanuel. Then you shocked me even more by saying, "I don't even know what church I go to." I told you to try to remember and you tried, but I had to tell you Grace. Then you said, "Oh right, Grace Baptist Church, see I remember." That was really sad for me. I guess I never thought you would forget that already. We were watching the Food Network, which you used to watch all the time, now it's just the Hallmark Channel mainly. But Barefoot Contessa came on and you didn't remember who she was. Then after her Rachel Ray was coming on and you always loved Rachel Ray, but you had to ask me who that was. I guess I'm really just hating the thought, and the FACT that you really aren't getting better, you're not even slowing on your memory loss. It seems to be getting worse. I keep praying that it won't get too bad too soon. Not sure what to try to prepare for and what to do about next school year. There are already going to be weird changes for me, but do I need to consider making changes in your care too? I just really miss you right now. I miss my immediate family. I miss having someone to talk to at home. But I love you and am going to try to keep you active and doing fun things as much as possible. Tomorrow should prayerfully be fun for us. Hope you enjoy it! Love you!
I'm going to try to write just a quick note tonight. It's almost midnight and we have to get up early tomorrow! We are going to a taping of Better Connecticut!! I am so excited about it! I hope that you will feel up to it. It's been rainy and you were really hurting today. I haven't told you yet, I know you won't remember anyway. So tomorrow morning I'm just going to tell you that we have somewhere to be by 9:30 and go over to Rocky Hill. I think you will be just as excited as I am once we get there and you see where we are.
You were really off today. You got up and I told you I would be out for breakfast in about 15 minutes. I tried to go back to sleep, but Bella kept barking. So I just decided to get up, and you were already sitting at the table eating breakfast. You were just so ready to take your medicine because you were hurting. I gave you the other half of the egg sandwich you didn't finish yesterday and the other half of the orange from two days ago. After breakfast I went to try to lay back down, but you called me, as if you really needed something. You have gotten into this habit of calling me and then not answering when I say yes and ask what you want. You want me to come to you, so I have to get out of bed and leave my room and go to your door. Today you just said, I don't know what today is. So, I told you. Then you asked the every day question, "Do I have church?" You wanted to know what time it was, and then were glad it wasn't this morning. I decided to just get up and go downstairs to do a little exercise on my Wii. Then I was just going to take a nap downstairs, that was probably the only place I would be able to. After a little while you came down too, so I knew that nap wouldn't be coming right away or at least that it wouldn't be in the comfy recliner as I was hoping. That's where I let you sit when you come down. We watched TV and talked a little bit, not talk talk, but mostly commenting on something on TV or you asking me the same questions. Then you out of the blue asked me what church I went to. I was surprised that you didn't know. I told you Emmanuel. Then you shocked me even more by saying, "I don't even know what church I go to." I told you to try to remember and you tried, but I had to tell you Grace. Then you said, "Oh right, Grace Baptist Church, see I remember." That was really sad for me. I guess I never thought you would forget that already. We were watching the Food Network, which you used to watch all the time, now it's just the Hallmark Channel mainly. But Barefoot Contessa came on and you didn't remember who she was. Then after her Rachel Ray was coming on and you always loved Rachel Ray, but you had to ask me who that was. I guess I'm really just hating the thought, and the FACT that you really aren't getting better, you're not even slowing on your memory loss. It seems to be getting worse. I keep praying that it won't get too bad too soon. Not sure what to try to prepare for and what to do about next school year. There are already going to be weird changes for me, but do I need to consider making changes in your care too? I just really miss you right now. I miss my immediate family. I miss having someone to talk to at home. But I love you and am going to try to keep you active and doing fun things as much as possible. Tomorrow should prayerfully be fun for us. Hope you enjoy it! Love you!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Summertime
Dear Mom,
It's summertime now, so I'm home with you. It's nice to be able to be home with you, and I know you love having me here, but I have to say, it has been getting a little tough already. You and Bella are up between 5:30 and 6, so I don't get to sleep in past that. After taking Bella out for potty and a walk, I do come back and get to take a nap before getting up by about 9. This morning you had an accident again, and I helped you change your sheets. It's been a couple of months since you have done that, so it took me by surprise. I bought new sheets for you, the nice t-shirt feeling kind, but you don't like the color(dark grey), so you won't let me put them on the bed. But the sheets you put on have set stains on them from food and juice, since you always eat dinner in bed. As we were making the bed, you mentioned that I need to just send you to a nursing home because you think you are getting to difficult to take care of. I try to just ignore these statements, they really bring me down. Then there are the other days, where you, I'm not sure if joking or not, almost beg me, with a childlike voice not to send you to a nursing home. This morning you also said, as you have many times, that you would be going to heaven soon. You also said something else that I don't remember you saying before, you asked me not to tell anyone about you having an accident. I know it's embarrassing for you, but you usually don't think much else about it. Well, I got a little rest, but today, you were ready to eat by about 8. That was ok, because I had to go to work at the school today. We had breakfast, and I washed the dishes. You used to wash them, but because your leg is bothering you, you haven't felt up to it. You said you were just going to get in bed and fold the clothes I had taken out of the dryer. That's one of the jobs you still like and want to do. You just always ask me the minute after I put the clothes in the washing machine. So by the time they are washed and dried, it's too late for you, so you do it in the morning. I try to make sure I save that for you, to give you something to do. I left you and Bella to go to school for a few hours. You decided a little after 4 to take your bath. You were ready to eat dinner much earlier tonight too. You haven't been eating until about 7, but today you were asking me about dinner around 5 or 5:30. I just did something quick. You love the Tyson honey bbq chicken strips, then did some fries to go with that. Then you were calling downstairs to tell me to bring Bella to bed at about 9, we usually don't come up until later. Your timing has been off lately. It has been interesting because things are certainly not stable. Trying to keep up with the changes. Trying to keep you as comfortable and normal as possible, so I try to give in to some of the things you want. I really miss you, miss not being able to talk to you. It was a rough night for me, feeling very lonely, but blogging has helped. I have another blog that I write and really enjoy. But it is also great to talk to you on here, even though I don't get a response, at least I can share. I love you so much! Even with some of the changes and frustrations, I need you! Please stay healthy so you can be with me for a while! Love you and miss you.
It's summertime now, so I'm home with you. It's nice to be able to be home with you, and I know you love having me here, but I have to say, it has been getting a little tough already. You and Bella are up between 5:30 and 6, so I don't get to sleep in past that. After taking Bella out for potty and a walk, I do come back and get to take a nap before getting up by about 9. This morning you had an accident again, and I helped you change your sheets. It's been a couple of months since you have done that, so it took me by surprise. I bought new sheets for you, the nice t-shirt feeling kind, but you don't like the color(dark grey), so you won't let me put them on the bed. But the sheets you put on have set stains on them from food and juice, since you always eat dinner in bed. As we were making the bed, you mentioned that I need to just send you to a nursing home because you think you are getting to difficult to take care of. I try to just ignore these statements, they really bring me down. Then there are the other days, where you, I'm not sure if joking or not, almost beg me, with a childlike voice not to send you to a nursing home. This morning you also said, as you have many times, that you would be going to heaven soon. You also said something else that I don't remember you saying before, you asked me not to tell anyone about you having an accident. I know it's embarrassing for you, but you usually don't think much else about it. Well, I got a little rest, but today, you were ready to eat by about 8. That was ok, because I had to go to work at the school today. We had breakfast, and I washed the dishes. You used to wash them, but because your leg is bothering you, you haven't felt up to it. You said you were just going to get in bed and fold the clothes I had taken out of the dryer. That's one of the jobs you still like and want to do. You just always ask me the minute after I put the clothes in the washing machine. So by the time they are washed and dried, it's too late for you, so you do it in the morning. I try to make sure I save that for you, to give you something to do. I left you and Bella to go to school for a few hours. You decided a little after 4 to take your bath. You were ready to eat dinner much earlier tonight too. You haven't been eating until about 7, but today you were asking me about dinner around 5 or 5:30. I just did something quick. You love the Tyson honey bbq chicken strips, then did some fries to go with that. Then you were calling downstairs to tell me to bring Bella to bed at about 9, we usually don't come up until later. Your timing has been off lately. It has been interesting because things are certainly not stable. Trying to keep up with the changes. Trying to keep you as comfortable and normal as possible, so I try to give in to some of the things you want. I really miss you, miss not being able to talk to you. It was a rough night for me, feeling very lonely, but blogging has helped. I have another blog that I write and really enjoy. But it is also great to talk to you on here, even though I don't get a response, at least I can share. I love you so much! Even with some of the changes and frustrations, I need you! Please stay healthy so you can be with me for a while! Love you and miss you.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Mother's Day
Dear Mom,
Mother's Day was a little while ago, but it was a good day! You got up and got ready to go to church. For a moment I thought you were going to come to church with me, you said you would. Then as has been the case lately, you changed your mind and decided to go to your church, which was fine with me. You would probably be more comfortable with people you see each week. I needed to go to my church to teach my Sunday School class, sing in the choir, and play my flute for the offertory. I was getting ready to leave for church, but couldn't find my flute. I was so upset that I couldn't find it, that means I would have to ask someone to play for me, and that makes me feel bad. Well, there wasn't much I could do, so I went without my flute. They were having a breakfast for moms, but since unfortunately I'm not one, and you weren't coming there was no need for me to go early for that. So I got there just in time for Sunday School. I had a great class. Then I had to go upstairs to practice for choir before the morning service started. Well, what a service it was!! The congregational songs were, "Praise to the Lord, the Almighty", "Great is Thy Faithfulness", "He Giveth More Grace", and "Be Thou My Vision"...such great songs! Then the Jr. High girls sang "Lord, I Need You". All these songs just spoke to my heart so much. The choir sang, "Holy is He", that is one of my favorite songs! As we are singing it I hear some strong "Amens" and see people that are just so affected by the beautiful words of this song. I was almost unable to finish singing it, I was so touched. Even Mr. Glenn was choked up afterward and took a few seconds before he could do the welcome! Awesome! The message was of course about Hannah, and pastor did a great job. After service I rushed home so I could make sure I got home so we could get to a nice restaurant before it got too crowded. I thought I might take you somewhere on the Berlin Turnpike, but then settled on Ruby Tuesday right in Bloomfield. What a great choice. We were able to get right in because it was just the two of us. We got mozzarella sticks for the appetizer, I know you love those. Then you got ribs, of course I had to order for you, because you aren't confident to do that much anymore. But it's ok. I had the new blackened tilapia with mango salsa. Wow it was delicious!! Also had tiramisu for dessert and got some gourmet cupcakes to bring home-red velvet and carrot cake. We had a good conversation, not a lot of it, but it was just nice to see you out and doing well. Then we went home to just relax for the rest of the day. Thanks for allowing me a special memory of a special day with you. I hope we have many more of these special memories! Love you!
Mother's Day was a little while ago, but it was a good day! You got up and got ready to go to church. For a moment I thought you were going to come to church with me, you said you would. Then as has been the case lately, you changed your mind and decided to go to your church, which was fine with me. You would probably be more comfortable with people you see each week. I needed to go to my church to teach my Sunday School class, sing in the choir, and play my flute for the offertory. I was getting ready to leave for church, but couldn't find my flute. I was so upset that I couldn't find it, that means I would have to ask someone to play for me, and that makes me feel bad. Well, there wasn't much I could do, so I went without my flute. They were having a breakfast for moms, but since unfortunately I'm not one, and you weren't coming there was no need for me to go early for that. So I got there just in time for Sunday School. I had a great class. Then I had to go upstairs to practice for choir before the morning service started. Well, what a service it was!! The congregational songs were, "Praise to the Lord, the Almighty", "Great is Thy Faithfulness", "He Giveth More Grace", and "Be Thou My Vision"...such great songs! Then the Jr. High girls sang "Lord, I Need You". All these songs just spoke to my heart so much. The choir sang, "Holy is He", that is one of my favorite songs! As we are singing it I hear some strong "Amens" and see people that are just so affected by the beautiful words of this song. I was almost unable to finish singing it, I was so touched. Even Mr. Glenn was choked up afterward and took a few seconds before he could do the welcome! Awesome! The message was of course about Hannah, and pastor did a great job. After service I rushed home so I could make sure I got home so we could get to a nice restaurant before it got too crowded. I thought I might take you somewhere on the Berlin Turnpike, but then settled on Ruby Tuesday right in Bloomfield. What a great choice. We were able to get right in because it was just the two of us. We got mozzarella sticks for the appetizer, I know you love those. Then you got ribs, of course I had to order for you, because you aren't confident to do that much anymore. But it's ok. I had the new blackened tilapia with mango salsa. Wow it was delicious!! Also had tiramisu for dessert and got some gourmet cupcakes to bring home-red velvet and carrot cake. We had a good conversation, not a lot of it, but it was just nice to see you out and doing well. Then we went home to just relax for the rest of the day. Thanks for allowing me a special memory of a special day with you. I hope we have many more of these special memories! Love you!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Struggling
Dear Mom,
This has been a tough weekend. So many things have been going on in my mind. I have been reminiscing a little bit, I wanted to share some things with you and ask some questions, but I know that you have a hard time understanding or putting things into words. I also know that if I don't remember some things, you definitely won't. I wanted to ask you about some of the kids you used to babysit for, some of the people that used to go to Grace with us. I did show you the obituary of someone who used to go to Grace, you acted like you knew who it was, but I'm not sure.
I also struggled with some lies that Satan was feeding my mind. I wanted to go to you and talk to you so you could encourage me and pray with me. You have always been so good about praying with me when I was struggling with things. I have some fond memories of some real struggles, where you didn't maybe know exactly what to say to comfort me, so you would just pray with me. Those are special memories! Praying has even become a struggle for you lately. The only prayer I have heard you pray for the past several months has been "God is great, God is good, let us thank Him for our food, by His hands we are fed, give us Lord our daily bread." That used to be what we always prayed as I was growing up, and with the daycare kids. I remember a song that used to be sung at Grace, "If I Could Hear My Mother Pray Again". I always thought about that song being more about the death of a mother where the singer couldn't hear her pray again. Now I realize that it could also be for something like a disease that doesn't allow the mother to pray as she used to. Although, I am the one that always prays for us now, for meals, and at night, I still have those precious memories. So, this weekend I just really had to go to the Lord on my own and pray for His strength to help me through some of the craziness of this weekend. Thankful that I can always go to Him when I am struggling. Thankful for good memories of a different time when we did have those special moments together. So thankful! Love you!
This has been a tough weekend. So many things have been going on in my mind. I have been reminiscing a little bit, I wanted to share some things with you and ask some questions, but I know that you have a hard time understanding or putting things into words. I also know that if I don't remember some things, you definitely won't. I wanted to ask you about some of the kids you used to babysit for, some of the people that used to go to Grace with us. I did show you the obituary of someone who used to go to Grace, you acted like you knew who it was, but I'm not sure.
I also struggled with some lies that Satan was feeding my mind. I wanted to go to you and talk to you so you could encourage me and pray with me. You have always been so good about praying with me when I was struggling with things. I have some fond memories of some real struggles, where you didn't maybe know exactly what to say to comfort me, so you would just pray with me. Those are special memories! Praying has even become a struggle for you lately. The only prayer I have heard you pray for the past several months has been "God is great, God is good, let us thank Him for our food, by His hands we are fed, give us Lord our daily bread." That used to be what we always prayed as I was growing up, and with the daycare kids. I remember a song that used to be sung at Grace, "If I Could Hear My Mother Pray Again". I always thought about that song being more about the death of a mother where the singer couldn't hear her pray again. Now I realize that it could also be for something like a disease that doesn't allow the mother to pray as she used to. Although, I am the one that always prays for us now, for meals, and at night, I still have those precious memories. So, this weekend I just really had to go to the Lord on my own and pray for His strength to help me through some of the craziness of this weekend. Thankful that I can always go to Him when I am struggling. Thankful for good memories of a different time when we did have those special moments together. So thankful! Love you!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Missing you...
Dear Mom,
I miss you! I know you are still here with me, but it's not the you that I know. Of course it's the you that I love because I will always love you, no matter what. I just miss the one that I would talk to, who would understand and be able to share things back with me. I miss the woman that I would go to the mall and walk around for hours with. I miss the woman that would bake and cook and keep things in order. I miss the woman that would go with me to whatever crazy endeavor I chose that day, and would enjoy it. I miss you!
It was nice getting up early yesterday (I was up at 4, but woke you up about 5), and watching the Royal Wedding together, just as we did 30 years ago for Charles and Diana. It was neat having that time together doing something "normal" and enjoying it together before I went off to school. I think you even sort of remembered some of it when I got back home. Then today, you kept thinking we were going to get our nails done, but I told you we already did last week. You liked the color then stopped liking the color and painted over it badly, but I just can't go back and pay more just one week after we got them done. You just got back in bed, though after breakfast and I wanted to as well, but then thought you needed to get out at least a little on this beautiful day. Some Channel 3 anchors were at L.L. Bean at Evergreen Walk. I knew we could do that and it wouldn't take long, and you could get back home to Bella soon. We went over and got autographed pictures and talked to them some. Then they asked us to go over to the camera and tell what we liked about Channel 3. You didn't want to get on camera, but when the guy started asking me questions to answer, you kept adding your little thoughts. After I looked around L.L. Bean a little bit, but you just wanted to sit and wait for me, so you did. Then there were a couple other places I wanted to look in, so I went and you just wanted to stay in the car. I miss those times when you would come with me and share those experiences together, but at least I got you out. That made me feel better. You even came downstairs a little bit ago, but the movie Tangled was a little scary you said so you just went back up to get on your bed and put on the Hallmark Channel. So, yes, I miss you, but I am thankful you are still here with me physically even though mentally you are not quite here. I love you and look forward to many more memories, even on a different scale. Love you!
I miss you! I know you are still here with me, but it's not the you that I know. Of course it's the you that I love because I will always love you, no matter what. I just miss the one that I would talk to, who would understand and be able to share things back with me. I miss the woman that I would go to the mall and walk around for hours with. I miss the woman that would bake and cook and keep things in order. I miss the woman that would go with me to whatever crazy endeavor I chose that day, and would enjoy it. I miss you!
It was nice getting up early yesterday (I was up at 4, but woke you up about 5), and watching the Royal Wedding together, just as we did 30 years ago for Charles and Diana. It was neat having that time together doing something "normal" and enjoying it together before I went off to school. I think you even sort of remembered some of it when I got back home. Then today, you kept thinking we were going to get our nails done, but I told you we already did last week. You liked the color then stopped liking the color and painted over it badly, but I just can't go back and pay more just one week after we got them done. You just got back in bed, though after breakfast and I wanted to as well, but then thought you needed to get out at least a little on this beautiful day. Some Channel 3 anchors were at L.L. Bean at Evergreen Walk. I knew we could do that and it wouldn't take long, and you could get back home to Bella soon. We went over and got autographed pictures and talked to them some. Then they asked us to go over to the camera and tell what we liked about Channel 3. You didn't want to get on camera, but when the guy started asking me questions to answer, you kept adding your little thoughts. After I looked around L.L. Bean a little bit, but you just wanted to sit and wait for me, so you did. Then there were a couple other places I wanted to look in, so I went and you just wanted to stay in the car. I miss those times when you would come with me and share those experiences together, but at least I got you out. That made me feel better. You even came downstairs a little bit ago, but the movie Tangled was a little scary you said so you just went back up to get on your bed and put on the Hallmark Channel. So, yes, I miss you, but I am thankful you are still here with me physically even though mentally you are not quite here. I love you and look forward to many more memories, even on a different scale. Love you!
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