Monday, January 21, 2013
Happy Birthday!
Dear Mom,
Happy Birthday!!! I wish I could be hugging and kissing on you in person, I miss you so much! But I know you are happy celebrating today in heaven with Pappy and Jesus. I have really been struggling this past week, lots of tears, feeling lonely, and if I'm going to be honest...even a little jealous as I see others whose families are growing. Either through pregnancies, births, engagements or weddings, and I have watched my family get smaller as you and pappy are no longer here with me. Yes, I have plenty of friends and plenty of other family, but when I get home from school, or when I am heading to bed, or getting up in the morning, it's just Bella and me. And it makes me miss you so much. As a friend told me tonight, I am probably just struggling to know what to do. My life was caring for you, and that is all I knew for quite a while. Now that you're gone, it is hard for me to find my way, what I am supposed to do with myself, who to even do things with sometimes, because so much time was spent with you even before you got so sick. You are my best friend! As I posted on Facebook today, you are the one I would always go to, pray with, share with, laugh with, and sit in the mall and people watch with. There were so many more things I could add, the one I would get my nails done with, go check out new places with, whether a new restaurant to try or just a new place to visit, someone even just to ride in the car with, or just to sit in the living room with. I miss that, too! Even with Alzheimer's I would tell you so much that was going on with me. You always listened. You wouldn't remember, you may not even have understood, but you always listened. I just miss that. I miss your spirit in this house. Bella does, too, because when I sang Happy Birthday to you tonight before eating ice cream in your honor...when I said "grandma", she looked for you. :( We miss you, even Bella licked the remnants of the ice cream in my bowl in honor of you! We love you! I still have the upstairs Christmas tree lit, it's for you, it's your butterfly tree! I know you're probably going crazy that I still have it up, because for you, all Christmas stuff had to come down before the new year. Well, sorry, I kept it up. :) And tonight when I go to bed, I will turn it off for the last time, and later take it down. I know you had a wonderful day in heaven! I'm happy for you, but sad for me, and as I have said a dozen times....I miss you!!! Happy 74th Birthday to the sweetest most special person, my best friend, and the best mom a girl could ever ask for! I love you!
Monday, December 31, 2012
This Christmas
Dear Mom,
I made it through my first Christmas without you, and soon New Year's Day. I spent Christmas with Auntie Ann and Uncle Cephus, as you would expect. That's what we always did, ever since I can remember. I've always loved that! I missed you in the morning when Bella and I got up and opened our gifts. A friend gave me some gifts to put under the tree. I couldn't help but to think of you sitting in the chair last year bringing me so many laughs as you opened your gifts and started grooving to the music on the TV.
I made it through my first Christmas without you, and soon New Year's Day. I spent Christmas with Auntie Ann and Uncle Cephus, as you would expect. That's what we always did, ever since I can remember. I've always loved that! I missed you in the morning when Bella and I got up and opened our gifts. A friend gave me some gifts to put under the tree. I couldn't help but to think of you sitting in the chair last year bringing me so many laughs as you opened your gifts and started grooving to the music on the TV.
What a fun time!! Great memories for me! But Bella and I enjoyed some more memories this Christmas. Then definitely had a great time with everyone at Auntie Ann and Uncle Cephus's, lots of laughs! So thankful for the time to spend with them.
The rest of the week was a little sad as I attended the wake for my 29 year old friend who died December 20. She needed a lung transplant, but was too sick to get one, and passed away before that could happen. It was very difficult for me. I was hurting for her parents, she was an only child, but also for her husband of just 2 years. I think I was extra emotional because of thinking of you and missing you, and because of the sadness of Sandy Hook still strong on my mind. Her wake was Wednesday night, you can tell pappy she had a Red Sox shirt on, he'll appreciate that! Her funeral was on Thursday, and it was a beautiful memorial service for her!
Then of course pappy's birthday was Friday. I miss you both so much! But the Lord has allowed me to see blessings too. We got a great amount of snow - 11 inches on Saturday! You know how much I love that!! And now getting prepared to bring in the New Year. Once again, it will be strange not having you here to celebrate with. I did get the Sparkling Cider like I normally do. We always love that! It was on sale 2 for $5, so of course I had to get two. I also got some French bread today to go with a yummy appetizer I made yesterday. I thought it probably looked to people as if I was going to have a nice little party, well, it will be a nice quiet, little party with Bella. I did have a couple of offers to spend some time with friends, but I don't really think I want to be out tonight. I don't really like traveling on New Year's Eve, so I don't think I'll go. If I did, I would be leaving in a little while to get there early so I can get home early. We'll see. Wish you were here, I miss you. But I'm so happy for you that you get to celebrate New Year's in heaven with Jesus and pappy! You'll both be in my thoughts so much tonight. But as I told you before you took your last breath, I am going to be OK, I am OK, Bella is OK. I sometimes ask her where you are, and she picks her head up and looks and just growls. I know she misses you, too. But I'm so blessed to have her! I am also blessed with so many wonderful memories! Happy New Year, my favorite gal, I love you!!
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Hmmm...
Dear Mom,
I just had to ask you if you were here....the other morning at breakfast I took out the jelly to put on my toast and when I went to put it on, guess what?? Yup, it was stuck up in the top of the container! I couldn't help but laugh and ask out loud if you had been here doing that. You always put the jelly container upside down so the jelly would get stuck at the top, it would make me a little crazy. But that container had never been upside down, so I don't know how that could have happened. Hmmm.... did you do that to bring a smile to my face? It made for a great fun memory that I just had to share with you! I miss you so much and I love you!! Merry Christmas! Give pappy and those precious children hugs for me! Love you!
I just had to ask you if you were here....the other morning at breakfast I took out the jelly to put on my toast and when I went to put it on, guess what?? Yup, it was stuck up in the top of the container! I couldn't help but laugh and ask out loud if you had been here doing that. You always put the jelly container upside down so the jelly would get stuck at the top, it would make me a little crazy. But that container had never been upside down, so I don't know how that could have happened. Hmmm.... did you do that to bring a smile to my face? It made for a great fun memory that I just had to share with you! I miss you so much and I love you!! Merry Christmas! Give pappy and those precious children hugs for me! Love you!
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Middletown Singer “The Artist Indian’s” Tribute Song “Condolences” « WRCH Lite 100.5
Dear Mom,
Here is a beautiful song written for the victims of Sandy Hook. Had to share it with you! I know you would love it! I love you!
Middletown Singer “The Artist Indian’s” Tribute Song “Condolences” « WRCH Lite 100.5
Here is a beautiful song written for the victims of Sandy Hook. Had to share it with you! I know you would love it! I love you!
Middletown Singer “The Artist Indian’s” Tribute Song “Condolences” « WRCH Lite 100.5
Sadness
Dear Mom,
I am sitting here tonight feeling such sadness! There has been so much that has happened. And you're not here to share it with. I know the past couple of years I wasn't really able to share a whole lot with you, but I still would. It's just what I did...what I needed to do, share with you, my best friend, like I normally did. That's part of the reason for this blog, so I could still talk to you and share with you. Aside from really missing you this season, as I have been decorating the house for Christmas, there have been some truly sad things that have happened this past week or so.
Last Friday started off as a normal day of school, but things quickly changed after lunch. As I was on my way outside to recess with the kids, the school secretary sadly shared with me a text message alert she got from our local CBS news station that there was a school shooting here in Connecticut, and not only that, but the worst part was that it was in an Elementary School! That's where our hearts were really breaking! At first all of the information was a little sketchy, I had a text alert that only 1 person was dead, then when we got back inside after recess the number jumped into the double digits and we heard that the number was 27. My heart was breaking!!! I had to keep teaching, and I didn't want my kids to know anything until they got home with their parents. Once I got home, the TV was bombarded with coverage. There were so many images....parents waiting to find out about their children, parents finding their children and holding on for dear life, kids crying and so scared, parents being told to wait at the firehouse because their children weren't with the ones that made it out, parents finding out their kids were casualties. The tears just continued to flow, how could they not, especially finding out later that 20 children had been killed and 6 adults... teachers, the principal, and the school psychologist. This young 20something year old used one of three guns to blast the door to get into the school. The principal and psychologist ran toward him to try to stop him and he shot them. Then he went into a couple of classrooms and started shooting teachers and kids. These teachers were hiding their kids in closets and cabinets. One teacher hid her students and told the shooter her kids were in the gym, he shot her right there. Another teacher was found on top of her students, trying to shield them from the gunman. After killing so many children and school workers, he heard the police car sirens and took his own life. It was found out that earlier that day he had also killed his mother. All week long has been spent hearing about who these precious children were, and the heroes at the school that did their best to protect them. All week long there has been news of the funerals of the victims. The last one will be tomorrow, and she is actually the cousin of one of my friends. The funeral will be at First Cathedral, and guess what mom?? She loved purple, too! They asked all of those attending her funeral to try to wear something purple and sparkly. I am just going to do that anyway to honor her. I know you would have been just as devastated by this news as I am, but I imagine you loved having all of those little angels burst through heaven's gates and are enjoying taking care of them like the sweet nurturer that you are!
The other sad news was about a dear friend of mine who passed away early Thursday morning. She was only about 28 or 29 and had only been married for two years. She had pulmonary fibrosis. Her husband set up a donor page in honor of his wife here. She had been in the hospital for a few weeks, and her health was up and down the whole time. They were trying to move her to a different hospital, and when they did, her right lung collapsed so they couldn't move her. They were going to wait until she was stronger, but she never did. Instead she was healed completely, as the Lord desired. We were just praying for her Wednesday night in church, then I woke up to hear that she had passed. I didn't think I had anymore tears left, but they surely had no problem flowing that morning! There were other issues that day, too, that I struggled with. And I sadly didn't have you to share them with, or ask advice about them. It made me miss you and pappy even more. So I cried for you and pappy, for these children and teachers and their families, for my friend Erin and her family. I really had to seek the Lord for peace, and thankfully He was gracious to allow me to find some peace in Him...but still struggled.
I even decided today to make the trip to Newtown so I could be there to show my support and love, and I wanted to drop off a teddy bear. I just needed to do something. It was amazing to see so many special tributes for all the victims. I will share some pictures later. Through all of the sadness, as usual, there has been some good. Anne Curry gave a suggestion for people to try to do 26 acts of kindness to honor the 26 victims. There have been some great stories of people doing some very kind things for each other. It is so special to see, but how sad it took something like this for most of us to even think about that. I'm in the same boat. I have been trying to think of things I can do to show some acts of kindness. I pray that the Lord will help me be a blessing to others! Give those angels lots of love! I miss you, and I love you!
I am sitting here tonight feeling such sadness! There has been so much that has happened. And you're not here to share it with. I know the past couple of years I wasn't really able to share a whole lot with you, but I still would. It's just what I did...what I needed to do, share with you, my best friend, like I normally did. That's part of the reason for this blog, so I could still talk to you and share with you. Aside from really missing you this season, as I have been decorating the house for Christmas, there have been some truly sad things that have happened this past week or so.
Last Friday started off as a normal day of school, but things quickly changed after lunch. As I was on my way outside to recess with the kids, the school secretary sadly shared with me a text message alert she got from our local CBS news station that there was a school shooting here in Connecticut, and not only that, but the worst part was that it was in an Elementary School! That's where our hearts were really breaking! At first all of the information was a little sketchy, I had a text alert that only 1 person was dead, then when we got back inside after recess the number jumped into the double digits and we heard that the number was 27. My heart was breaking!!! I had to keep teaching, and I didn't want my kids to know anything until they got home with their parents. Once I got home, the TV was bombarded with coverage. There were so many images....parents waiting to find out about their children, parents finding their children and holding on for dear life, kids crying and so scared, parents being told to wait at the firehouse because their children weren't with the ones that made it out, parents finding out their kids were casualties. The tears just continued to flow, how could they not, especially finding out later that 20 children had been killed and 6 adults... teachers, the principal, and the school psychologist. This young 20something year old used one of three guns to blast the door to get into the school. The principal and psychologist ran toward him to try to stop him and he shot them. Then he went into a couple of classrooms and started shooting teachers and kids. These teachers were hiding their kids in closets and cabinets. One teacher hid her students and told the shooter her kids were in the gym, he shot her right there. Another teacher was found on top of her students, trying to shield them from the gunman. After killing so many children and school workers, he heard the police car sirens and took his own life. It was found out that earlier that day he had also killed his mother. All week long has been spent hearing about who these precious children were, and the heroes at the school that did their best to protect them. All week long there has been news of the funerals of the victims. The last one will be tomorrow, and she is actually the cousin of one of my friends. The funeral will be at First Cathedral, and guess what mom?? She loved purple, too! They asked all of those attending her funeral to try to wear something purple and sparkly. I am just going to do that anyway to honor her. I know you would have been just as devastated by this news as I am, but I imagine you loved having all of those little angels burst through heaven's gates and are enjoying taking care of them like the sweet nurturer that you are!
The other sad news was about a dear friend of mine who passed away early Thursday morning. She was only about 28 or 29 and had only been married for two years. She had pulmonary fibrosis. Her husband set up a donor page in honor of his wife here. She had been in the hospital for a few weeks, and her health was up and down the whole time. They were trying to move her to a different hospital, and when they did, her right lung collapsed so they couldn't move her. They were going to wait until she was stronger, but she never did. Instead she was healed completely, as the Lord desired. We were just praying for her Wednesday night in church, then I woke up to hear that she had passed. I didn't think I had anymore tears left, but they surely had no problem flowing that morning! There were other issues that day, too, that I struggled with. And I sadly didn't have you to share them with, or ask advice about them. It made me miss you and pappy even more. So I cried for you and pappy, for these children and teachers and their families, for my friend Erin and her family. I really had to seek the Lord for peace, and thankfully He was gracious to allow me to find some peace in Him...but still struggled.
I even decided today to make the trip to Newtown so I could be there to show my support and love, and I wanted to drop off a teddy bear. I just needed to do something. It was amazing to see so many special tributes for all the victims. I will share some pictures later. Through all of the sadness, as usual, there has been some good. Anne Curry gave a suggestion for people to try to do 26 acts of kindness to honor the 26 victims. There have been some great stories of people doing some very kind things for each other. It is so special to see, but how sad it took something like this for most of us to even think about that. I'm in the same boat. I have been trying to think of things I can do to show some acts of kindness. I pray that the Lord will help me be a blessing to others! Give those angels lots of love! I miss you, and I love you!
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Missing You!
Dear Mom,
I have been missing you so much! I love the fall and we would always spend time together...going to the Big E, other fairs around the state, and the Women's Expo. Last week I went to the Big E. I met some friends from church up there. As I was driving up, I found myself in tears. First of all it was a beautiful day and the clouds were big, white, puffy clouds...lately that was something you would notice and mention. Then this was the first time going without you. I also drove the back way and went through Suffield, and that reminded me of the winter day that we visited some of the old houses to see them decorated for Christmas. It just reminded me of all the things I would drag you to do with me, and you always loved going to all these places with me. We definitely have made some great memories doing all of the things we did. So, I really missed you last Saturday. I did have a good time with my friends from church, but of course it's not the same. I couldn't stay as long as we normally might because I had to make sure to get back home to Bella. So, I didn't get to some of the places we would normally go. And I didn't get as much fair food as we normally would, but I did have our favorite...fried dough!!! I also got the kettle corn from New Hampshire that we really loved. Didn't get to the animals though, which was sad, that was always my favorite part. I would always ask you if we could get some of them for the house. :) You not being such a fan of animals would always tell me no way! I did get to watch a little of the horse show, though. Then I had to leave to get back to Bella. I also cried most of the way home, just missing you! Today I went to the Women's Expo. I was trying to remember, but I really think that you went with me last year. I don't remember for sure, but it seems like I remember that. We always enjoyed going and walking around to the different booths, but you started spending less time walking around because it got too much for you. We would spend a good amount of time watching the demonstrations and dance acts on the stage. I enjoyed watching some great ones today, too. I had a nice time, missed not having you with me. I went by myself, but just enjoyed going around at my pace and staying until I was ready to go. It's going to be different this fall, even though you had stopped doing some of the things with me, I could at least come home and share it with you. Also, I didn't do as much last fall because I didn't want to leave you for long. This year I can do a little more, but I miss having you to enjoy those times with. You were my favorite person to experience all of those things with, so it will be hard doing them without you, but what great memories that we had together! It is difficult to do these without you, but I'm going to keep on, because I love them and can remember great times when we did them together. And I love those memories!!! ...as much as I love you! Miss you!!!
I have been missing you so much! I love the fall and we would always spend time together...going to the Big E, other fairs around the state, and the Women's Expo. Last week I went to the Big E. I met some friends from church up there. As I was driving up, I found myself in tears. First of all it was a beautiful day and the clouds were big, white, puffy clouds...lately that was something you would notice and mention. Then this was the first time going without you. I also drove the back way and went through Suffield, and that reminded me of the winter day that we visited some of the old houses to see them decorated for Christmas. It just reminded me of all the things I would drag you to do with me, and you always loved going to all these places with me. We definitely have made some great memories doing all of the things we did. So, I really missed you last Saturday. I did have a good time with my friends from church, but of course it's not the same. I couldn't stay as long as we normally might because I had to make sure to get back home to Bella. So, I didn't get to some of the places we would normally go. And I didn't get as much fair food as we normally would, but I did have our favorite...fried dough!!! I also got the kettle corn from New Hampshire that we really loved. Didn't get to the animals though, which was sad, that was always my favorite part. I would always ask you if we could get some of them for the house. :) You not being such a fan of animals would always tell me no way! I did get to watch a little of the horse show, though. Then I had to leave to get back to Bella. I also cried most of the way home, just missing you! Today I went to the Women's Expo. I was trying to remember, but I really think that you went with me last year. I don't remember for sure, but it seems like I remember that. We always enjoyed going and walking around to the different booths, but you started spending less time walking around because it got too much for you. We would spend a good amount of time watching the demonstrations and dance acts on the stage. I enjoyed watching some great ones today, too. I had a nice time, missed not having you with me. I went by myself, but just enjoyed going around at my pace and staying until I was ready to go. It's going to be different this fall, even though you had stopped doing some of the things with me, I could at least come home and share it with you. Also, I didn't do as much last fall because I didn't want to leave you for long. This year I can do a little more, but I miss having you to enjoy those times with. You were my favorite person to experience all of those things with, so it will be hard doing them without you, but what great memories that we had together! It is difficult to do these without you, but I'm going to keep on, because I love them and can remember great times when we did them together. And I love those memories!!! ...as much as I love you! Miss you!!!
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
What Now?
Dear Mom,
I wish I had blogged two Wednesdays ago and/or two Thursdays ago. I wish I could have been able to go back and read what I observed those two days. Sadly, I didn't do that, but those were definitely interesting days. Because now things have changed! Tuesday night after your friends left I started giving you morphine to keep you from being so restless. You pretty much just slept Tuesday night. Then Wednesday you never really woke up, much. I got you to open your eyes a little bit when I went to change you, but you weren't in too much pain because I had been giving you the morphine to help with the pain. You weren't really responding to any of us, myself, your brother or your sister. The time I saw you open your eyes was when the massage therapist came in, she touched your face and you opened your eyes a little, but when she asked if it was OK for her to give you a massage you nodded your head yes. I left her in there to give you the massage. When she came out she told me that after she was done she asked you if you knew everything was going to be OK, and she said you again nodded your head yes. That was very touching to me, and made me emotional, but I was very glad she told me. You never responded after that. Because you were sleeping so much, I couldn't feed you or give you anything to drink. I just kept swabbing your mouth. I would go in the room and talk to you, hold your hand, sing to you, and pray with you. I think I hoped you would wake up, but you never did, and Wednesday night I didn't sleep well because I didn't want you to die in the middle of the night and we wouldn't know until morning. I got up a few times that night to check on you, but you were OK, still breathing and sleeping. I got up in the morning and was so glad to see your chest still rising and falling, even though you weren't waking up so I could talk to you and interact with you. I brought Bella out as normal, then came back in to change you. There still wasn't much of a reaction from you when I changed you, because of the morphine you didn't seem to have as much pain when I changed you. Sometime that morning the phone rang, when I looked at the caller ID I was so shocked!! It was my cousin, your niece, Andrea! We haven't heard from her in years. She has had some struggles and hasn't kept up with us because of some of them. So I just couldn't believe that she was calling! She had no idea that you weren't doing well because as I said she hadn't kept up with us for a while. When I told her you weren't great, she asked if I would just put the phone up to your ear. I did, and when she started talking to you, your eyes fluttered a bit, and I knew you understood this was a special phone call. Your sister and I just kept an eye on you throughout the day. The hospice nurse came over and checked your vitals. Your temperature was 97 which wasn't bad. Your oxygen level was 98% which was good, your pulse had been up, I had been checking it because the nurse said it should be about 18-20 normally, and the other day yours was 24. She said if it got over 28 then that would be a problem. That morning when she checked your breathing she said it was at 36. So that wasn't good, but there wasn't much we could do about that. Other than that I was encouraged that your vitals were OK. Then she checked your blood pressure, it was 90/50. I asked her if that was bad. She said it wasn't good. Then she took auntie and me out into the hallway so you wouldn't hear her, and told us that with your blood pressure that low, it was a sign of your body shutting down. She said it could be hours or it could be days, just can't tell. That of course made me so sad, but I just wanted to spend time with you, hoping that maybe you would start to show some improvement. The aide came to wash you a little, then the homemaker/companion came and sat with you. Auntie and I kept going back and forth into your room to spend some time with you. I would go in and sing to you, talk to you, and pray with you. Then a friend of mine told me to read Bible verses to you. So, I started doing that as well. The Lord allowed me to find Psalm 138, what a wonderful chapter. I would go back into the kitchen to watch TV or do some things on my phone and your sister would go sit with you. Since again you were only sleeping, all we could do was swab your mouth. I would go back in to spend more time with you, singing, praying, talking, and then take care of Bella, and hang out in the kitchen. You were breathing heavier, it was hard to watch, but I knew you weren't in pain, and that made me happy. That night auntie asked me what I wanted to do about sleeping, but I didn't get what she meant. She asked if I would want to do shifts to stay up with her round the clock. I never thought of that so I was glad she did. I told her I would stay up because I am a night owl anyway, plus I was staying up to watch the Olympics until at least 12 each night. So, she was glad to be able to go get some rest. I watched the Olympics, swabbed your mouth, prayed, sang, talked, and read to you.
About 1 a.m. your pastor texted me to see if it was OK for him to come over. I told him it was fine because I was up. He wasn't able to sleep because he found out his niece had just been life flighted to a hospital in NC because she had an accident falling off of a horse. We talked for a while, while I sat by you, holding your hand and checking on you. You seemed to be breathing even heavier, but I just kept talking to your pastor. He left about 1:30 or so. I went to charge my phone up by the outlet by the TV. The one thing I was concerned with was your breathing. I wasn't sure if you were breathing heavier or if it was my imagination. I asked the Lord how I was supposed to know when it was serious enough for me to call my aunt into the room, just in case you were getting worse. I mean, how does a person know?? Well, after asking the Lord about that, I turned to your bed, and looked at you and when I did........your eyes were open! They hadn't been open in a couple of days! And they stayed open. You were looking off to the side, so I went to get auntie to tell her that. She was awake from when your pastor came in, she hadn't been able to get back to sleep. So, she came in the room with me, and we stood over you, talking to you, singing to you, rubbing your arms, praying with you... You still had your eyes open and were breathing so heavy. I kissed your forehead and told you how much I loved you! I told you as I have done several times that you are my favorite gal....my best friend! You just kept breathing heavily, and then I did something that I never expected, never wanted to do...something I said I would never do....didn't think I could do.... I got down so that I could look right into your eyes and you could look into mine, and I told you what an amazing mom you were. I told you how much I loved you. I told you that you have done so much for so many people and were such a blessing to so many. You have worked so hard! Then I told you that Bella was on the floor right by the foot of the bed and she was OK, that your sister was standing next to you, and she was OK, then I told you that you were looking right into my eyes, and could see my face, and you could see that I was OK. I told you that we were all going to be OK, and that it was time for you to take your rest. I never thought I would be able to do that, but I had a strong feeling that you were holding on because you were worried about me. Even though your mind had been ravaged from this awful disease, there was some realization still there. I needed to tell you it was OK. People mentioned that to me all week, and though I said OK to them, inside I thought, sorry, that's just not going to happen! Maybe they could do it, but I couldn't. Well, here I was telling you what I thought you needed to hear. I was right, not too long after I told you that, your breathing started to slow down and soften, and slow down and soften, and slow down and soften....until you were taking just little breaths. You took one more, then one more, and then you were quiet, I thought you were gone, but then there was one more. Again I thought that was it, but there was even one more. Both auntie and I told you, it was OK. And you didn't breathe again....you were finally home. It was a terribly sad, beautiful, precious moment. All I could do was kiss you, and tell you how much I loved you! I couldn't believe this was it, no more time with you, no more moments, no more being able to take care of you! My life had now changed. It was difficult to think about it, but I was glad that you were no longer suffering! It's such a hard thing, because as glad as I was that you weren't suffering, I still wished I could have you back, just a little longer! We called your brother, and I texted your pastor and they both came over. I held your hand and sat by you for as long as possible before I finally called the hospice nurse to come pronounce you, and then pastor called Carmon Funeral Home to come and take you.
So, Friday, August 10, 2012, at about 2:08 in the morning I lost you...my favorite gal...my best friend. And now my life has changed...it's hard to know what to do because taking care of you was so much of my life that now it's hard not to have those moments and times. You are so missed, but I know you're happy to be home with Jesus, and with Pappy! I know you missed Pappy so much. I'm so happy for you, but so sad for me! I will miss you everyday! But I will remember your strength and try to stay strong, and make you proud! I love you so much! I miss you so much more! Thanks for being the best mom and example in my life! I love you!!!
I wish I had blogged two Wednesdays ago and/or two Thursdays ago. I wish I could have been able to go back and read what I observed those two days. Sadly, I didn't do that, but those were definitely interesting days. Because now things have changed! Tuesday night after your friends left I started giving you morphine to keep you from being so restless. You pretty much just slept Tuesday night. Then Wednesday you never really woke up, much. I got you to open your eyes a little bit when I went to change you, but you weren't in too much pain because I had been giving you the morphine to help with the pain. You weren't really responding to any of us, myself, your brother or your sister. The time I saw you open your eyes was when the massage therapist came in, she touched your face and you opened your eyes a little, but when she asked if it was OK for her to give you a massage you nodded your head yes. I left her in there to give you the massage. When she came out she told me that after she was done she asked you if you knew everything was going to be OK, and she said you again nodded your head yes. That was very touching to me, and made me emotional, but I was very glad she told me. You never responded after that. Because you were sleeping so much, I couldn't feed you or give you anything to drink. I just kept swabbing your mouth. I would go in the room and talk to you, hold your hand, sing to you, and pray with you. I think I hoped you would wake up, but you never did, and Wednesday night I didn't sleep well because I didn't want you to die in the middle of the night and we wouldn't know until morning. I got up a few times that night to check on you, but you were OK, still breathing and sleeping. I got up in the morning and was so glad to see your chest still rising and falling, even though you weren't waking up so I could talk to you and interact with you. I brought Bella out as normal, then came back in to change you. There still wasn't much of a reaction from you when I changed you, because of the morphine you didn't seem to have as much pain when I changed you. Sometime that morning the phone rang, when I looked at the caller ID I was so shocked!! It was my cousin, your niece, Andrea! We haven't heard from her in years. She has had some struggles and hasn't kept up with us because of some of them. So I just couldn't believe that she was calling! She had no idea that you weren't doing well because as I said she hadn't kept up with us for a while. When I told her you weren't great, she asked if I would just put the phone up to your ear. I did, and when she started talking to you, your eyes fluttered a bit, and I knew you understood this was a special phone call. Your sister and I just kept an eye on you throughout the day. The hospice nurse came over and checked your vitals. Your temperature was 97 which wasn't bad. Your oxygen level was 98% which was good, your pulse had been up, I had been checking it because the nurse said it should be about 18-20 normally, and the other day yours was 24. She said if it got over 28 then that would be a problem. That morning when she checked your breathing she said it was at 36. So that wasn't good, but there wasn't much we could do about that. Other than that I was encouraged that your vitals were OK. Then she checked your blood pressure, it was 90/50. I asked her if that was bad. She said it wasn't good. Then she took auntie and me out into the hallway so you wouldn't hear her, and told us that with your blood pressure that low, it was a sign of your body shutting down. She said it could be hours or it could be days, just can't tell. That of course made me so sad, but I just wanted to spend time with you, hoping that maybe you would start to show some improvement. The aide came to wash you a little, then the homemaker/companion came and sat with you. Auntie and I kept going back and forth into your room to spend some time with you. I would go in and sing to you, talk to you, and pray with you. Then a friend of mine told me to read Bible verses to you. So, I started doing that as well. The Lord allowed me to find Psalm 138, what a wonderful chapter. I would go back into the kitchen to watch TV or do some things on my phone and your sister would go sit with you. Since again you were only sleeping, all we could do was swab your mouth. I would go back in to spend more time with you, singing, praying, talking, and then take care of Bella, and hang out in the kitchen. You were breathing heavier, it was hard to watch, but I knew you weren't in pain, and that made me happy. That night auntie asked me what I wanted to do about sleeping, but I didn't get what she meant. She asked if I would want to do shifts to stay up with her round the clock. I never thought of that so I was glad she did. I told her I would stay up because I am a night owl anyway, plus I was staying up to watch the Olympics until at least 12 each night. So, she was glad to be able to go get some rest. I watched the Olympics, swabbed your mouth, prayed, sang, talked, and read to you.
About 1 a.m. your pastor texted me to see if it was OK for him to come over. I told him it was fine because I was up. He wasn't able to sleep because he found out his niece had just been life flighted to a hospital in NC because she had an accident falling off of a horse. We talked for a while, while I sat by you, holding your hand and checking on you. You seemed to be breathing even heavier, but I just kept talking to your pastor. He left about 1:30 or so. I went to charge my phone up by the outlet by the TV. The one thing I was concerned with was your breathing. I wasn't sure if you were breathing heavier or if it was my imagination. I asked the Lord how I was supposed to know when it was serious enough for me to call my aunt into the room, just in case you were getting worse. I mean, how does a person know?? Well, after asking the Lord about that, I turned to your bed, and looked at you and when I did........your eyes were open! They hadn't been open in a couple of days! And they stayed open. You were looking off to the side, so I went to get auntie to tell her that. She was awake from when your pastor came in, she hadn't been able to get back to sleep. So, she came in the room with me, and we stood over you, talking to you, singing to you, rubbing your arms, praying with you... You still had your eyes open and were breathing so heavy. I kissed your forehead and told you how much I loved you! I told you as I have done several times that you are my favorite gal....my best friend! You just kept breathing heavily, and then I did something that I never expected, never wanted to do...something I said I would never do....didn't think I could do.... I got down so that I could look right into your eyes and you could look into mine, and I told you what an amazing mom you were. I told you how much I loved you. I told you that you have done so much for so many people and were such a blessing to so many. You have worked so hard! Then I told you that Bella was on the floor right by the foot of the bed and she was OK, that your sister was standing next to you, and she was OK, then I told you that you were looking right into my eyes, and could see my face, and you could see that I was OK. I told you that we were all going to be OK, and that it was time for you to take your rest. I never thought I would be able to do that, but I had a strong feeling that you were holding on because you were worried about me. Even though your mind had been ravaged from this awful disease, there was some realization still there. I needed to tell you it was OK. People mentioned that to me all week, and though I said OK to them, inside I thought, sorry, that's just not going to happen! Maybe they could do it, but I couldn't. Well, here I was telling you what I thought you needed to hear. I was right, not too long after I told you that, your breathing started to slow down and soften, and slow down and soften, and slow down and soften....until you were taking just little breaths. You took one more, then one more, and then you were quiet, I thought you were gone, but then there was one more. Again I thought that was it, but there was even one more. Both auntie and I told you, it was OK. And you didn't breathe again....you were finally home. It was a terribly sad, beautiful, precious moment. All I could do was kiss you, and tell you how much I loved you! I couldn't believe this was it, no more time with you, no more moments, no more being able to take care of you! My life had now changed. It was difficult to think about it, but I was glad that you were no longer suffering! It's such a hard thing, because as glad as I was that you weren't suffering, I still wished I could have you back, just a little longer! We called your brother, and I texted your pastor and they both came over. I held your hand and sat by you for as long as possible before I finally called the hospice nurse to come pronounce you, and then pastor called Carmon Funeral Home to come and take you.
So, Friday, August 10, 2012, at about 2:08 in the morning I lost you...my favorite gal...my best friend. And now my life has changed...it's hard to know what to do because taking care of you was so much of my life that now it's hard not to have those moments and times. You are so missed, but I know you're happy to be home with Jesus, and with Pappy! I know you missed Pappy so much. I'm so happy for you, but so sad for me! I will miss you everyday! But I will remember your strength and try to stay strong, and make you proud! I love you so much! I miss you so much more! Thanks for being the best mom and example in my life! I love you!!!
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