Letters to my mom who had Alzheimer's. Though she passed August 10, 2012, I'm still going to write to her and share with her.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Happy Birthday!!! I wish I could be hugging and kissing on you in person, I miss you so much! But I know you are happy celebrating today in heaven with Pappy and Jesus. I have really been struggling this past week, lots of tears, feeling lonely, and if I'm going to be honest...even a little jealous as I see others whose families are growing. Either through pregnancies, births, engagements or weddings, and I have watched my family get smaller as you and pappy are no longer here with me. Yes, I have plenty of friends and plenty of other family, but when I get home from school, or when I am heading to bed, or getting up in the morning, it's just Bella and me. And it makes me miss you so much. As a friend told me tonight, I am probably just struggling to know what to do. My life was caring for you, and that is all I knew for quite a while. Now that you're gone, it is hard for me to find my way, what I am supposed to do with myself, who to even do things with sometimes, because so much time was spent with you even before you got so sick. You are my best friend! As I posted on Facebook today, you are the one I would always go to, pray with, share with, laugh with, and sit in the mall and people watch with. There were so many more things I could add, the one I would get my nails done with, go check out new places with, whether a new restaurant to try or just a new place to visit, someone even just to ride in the car with, or just to sit in the living room with. I miss that, too! Even with Alzheimer's I would tell you so much that was going on with me. You always listened. You wouldn't remember, you may not even have understood, but you always listened. I just miss that. I miss your spirit in this house. Bella does, too, because when I sang Happy Birthday to you tonight before eating ice cream in your honor...when I said "grandma", she looked for you. :( We miss you, even Bella licked the remnants of the ice cream in my bowl in honor of you! We love you! I still have the upstairs Christmas tree lit, it's for you, it's your butterfly tree! I know you're probably going crazy that I still have it up, because for you, all Christmas stuff had to come down before the new year. Well, sorry, I kept it up. :) And tonight when I go to bed, I will turn it off for the last time, and later take it down. I know you had a wonderful day in heaven! I'm happy for you, but sad for me, and as I have said a dozen times....I miss you!!! Happy 74th Birthday to the sweetest most special person, my best friend, and the best mom a girl could ever ask for! I love you!