Dear Mom,
I was worried about you this past weekend. You weren't very interactive at all, not really talking, not smiling, not eating much, not even drinking much. I kept watching you as you slept to make sure your chest was rising and falling. You may not have been yourself, and I was a bit nervous, but a new week brought about new changes. You still didn't eat yesterday, but you did drink the smoothie I made for you. You were more interactive. That made me happy! It was a crazy day, I had planned to go out at noon, I was originally hoping to have lunch with a friend, but that didn't end up happening. But the homemaker/companion was coming at noon and staying until 6. That was going to be a nice amount of time to get out and do a few things. Well, as I mentioned before, things don't always work out as planned. The aide was supposed to come about 9:30 so she didn't cut into the time the companion would be there. The occupational therapist came about 9:30 for her last visit, I had to thank her for helping me and giving such good advice! She was a wonderful help. I waited for the aide and she didn't come. I hadn't heard from the nurse yet either as to when she was going to come. It was almost noon and still no aide. Then a couple of minutes before noon she came! Yikes! Not long after that, the companion came...oh well, I tried. The aide got you washed up and asked if I wanted to get you up, but since I wasn't going to be home, I told her no. She ended up in the kitchen with the companion and myself talking while we waited for me to be able to leave. The nurse finally called and said she would be coming about 1. So much for getting out at 12. The nurse came and I asked her about a few things, a wonderful friend from church let me know to ask for things from hospice because they can get lots of things for us. That was a huge help to be able to know that! I asked her about your eating...or not eating and she said to remember that you aren't getting up or moving much so you aren't going to eat as much. She said to give you some Miralax because you were saying your stomach hurt a little, and that would help. She left, then the aide left, and I gave the companion a heads up about the rest of her time with you. She was wonderful! I really liked her. I love this Angel Touch company, they have amazing companions!! My mind was definitely at ease as I left. I know this is going to sound a little vain, but I went to get my nails done. But it had been a while and they were coming off, and when I would change you, they would bend and hurt, so it was very needed. After that I went to go get the oil changed in my car. Once I did those couple of things, I didn't have time to head to Target as I had hoped, it was already a little after 5. There were a couple of things that I did definitely need to get so went and got them quickly before heading back home. I got back a little early, but you were great and Bella was content and she was just hanging out with you. You did have some smoothie that day which was good. Today you had some smoothie, then the aide came, washed you, and we got you up. She tried to have you finish the rest of the smoothie, but she kept after you, telling you to swallow. You wouldn't, you kept holding it in your mouth like you have been doing. But she kept trying to give you more. She would put the cup up to your mouth to make you take more, and then got a spoon to try to get more in your mouth. Next thing we knew it was dribbling out of your mouth and down your shirt. She wasn't happy about that, but I wasn't happy that she tried to keep giving you more, that's why you started letting it dribble. I have to learn to speak up on your behalf! Not long after the aide left you wanted to go back to bed, so I got you back in. For dinner I was able to give you about 8-10 bites of pancake!! I was so excited, that was the first food that you had eaten in a few days. You also had more smoothie. That blessed my heart!
On Monday, when I was leaving I was teasing you about being good and not causing any trouble or something, and you looked at me and at the companion and said, "Yea, right." You smiled at me, and told me you loved me and waved. I love those moments! Tonight after I fed you, I asked you if you loved me, and you shook your head yes, then I asked how much. You put your fingers together with a little space between them, and I acted shocked and told you that I loved you with outstretched arms, but you still would only give me a little opening of the fingers, I had to laugh. You were so cute! I love these small interactive moments with you. A couple of times you took my hand and we just held each other's hands. So, what a blessing this new week has brought to my heart. Such a treasure! Love you so very much!!!!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Sunday, July 29, 2012
The Ups and Downs
Dear Mom,
It's definitely been an interesting time. Auntie finally left last Friday, I think. It was nice to have the house back, but it was really different because then it was just us! Family reunion for pappy's side came around and I didn't go on Friday night, because I didn't want to leave you, but I took a chance to go Saturday night and Sunday afternoon. You were doing fine, and you don't get up on your own anymore, and you mostly sleep, so I decided to go for a little bit each day. I knew it was something I needed to do or I would regret it. We only do this every two years. It was so great to see the family!! I was so glad to be able to spend time with them! They of course asked about you and I told them you have had good and not so good days. I got some nice pictures and brought them home for you to look at. I'm not sure you recognized some of them, but some I think you did. It was important for me to be able to do this and have pictures to show you and talk about with you. Going and being with family definitely was good for my spirit. I needed to see them again, especially to see and spend time with Auntie Alberta and Uncle George, pappy's oldest brother and sister, 88 and 89 years old. Both of them live alone down on the property in Georgia and they looked great! Cousin Patty had a party for Auntie Alberta on Tuesday for her 88th birthday. It was another nice night! Uncle George is also suffering from Dementia, but when he was asked if he knew who I was, he said he knew I was Buddy's daughter, but just couldn't remember my name. I was so excited to hear that!!! Cousin Debra and I chatted a lot during the reunion because she goes over and takes care of Uncle George every day. We talked about many similar experiences. She said Uncle George loves his sweets too! That is so you! She talked about answering the same questions every few minutes. You don't ask anymore, you haven't been talking much, but I remember those days well! It was wonderful and a bit emotional for me when everything was over and I had to say the final see ya! I'm so glad I decided to do that, to see them, touch them, hug them, talk to them once again. I really do hope and pray I can see them all again sometime soon!
As I said, you have had some good and some not so good moments. You have been a little more interactive lately which has been nice. I have added coconut oil to our diet because I have heard some wonderful things about it. The coconut oil has seemed to help your mood, you haven't been as agitated with me, and you have been asking more things lately. A few days ago you asked me what day it was, another time I was watching TV with you and you asked if the lady was the mother of the couple of kids that were on. We were watching Dog Whisperer and he was helping a family, so you put that together. Another day when I went into the room to check on you, you asked me where I was before. I wish I were able to blog more consistently because then I could remember more things more clearly. It just is hard to do when there are always different people over the house. It is great to have the help, but I never know when anyone is exactly coming. They call 20 min. to an hour before they plan to come over. Then there are sometimes 2-4 people that come out to see you or me, between the care manager, the social worker, the hospice nurse, the home health aide, the occupational therapist, the massage therapist, and the homemaker/companion. Don't get me wrong, I am so glad for all of the help for you. That helps me so much. So, yes, there have been those good signs of you interacting with me and the aide or the companion. Last week when the aide came on Monday, you were back to your jokey person. I asked if you loved me when the companion was there and you said, "Not really." The companion and I had to laugh about that. Another time you told her, "That's my daughter." She asked what my name was but you couldn't tell her, you started with a "Sss...", but that was all you got out. So she went through a list of different names and you kept shaking your head or saying no. Then she asked if it was Stacey and you grinned and nodded your head yes. There have been some sweet moments like that. Last night after I changed you and was heading to bed, I put my head by yours and I felt you press your head toward mine and I told you I loved you, and you whispered back, "I love you, too." That continually blesses my heart. You have held my hand, you have rubbed my hand with your thumb, you've given me winks back when I wink at you, you have smiled for me when I asked (after asking a couple of times:), you have told me you loved me, when I asked if I was your favorite girl you said yes. These are all things I want to treasure always, which is a reason why I write this blog...to keep those things close to me.
Then, there are days like yesterday and today. You haven't seemed to feel as well. You haven't eaten much either. You seem to be in more pain, and you haven't talked to me as much. You have been keeping food in your cheeks and not swallowing it right away. You haven't had much problem swallowing food, but you have had trouble swallowing drinks. You don't choke or anything, but just gulp big, and close your eyes, or you just hold it in your mouth for a while. A couple of weeks ago, you ate a pancake and your egg sandwich, yesterday you actually ate more than I thought. You had some pancake for breakfast again and later in the day, then later on you wanted some ziti and ate some of that. Today you barely ate an egg and you keep saying you don't want anything else. I tried to get you to drink your Ensure, but you won't drink that either. It is days like these that I worry that I won't have you much longer. But just this past Friday, the home health aide got you up in your wheelchair and you sat in there for about 6 hours because you didn't want to get back into the bed. I finally just had to put you back so I could change you. This was the first time I had moved you by myself since you came home from the hospital. I had been doing it before, but everyone said it's a two person job, so I stopped trying. But the aide got you up by herself to see if she could, so I told her I would try to put you back by myself, so I did and it was fine! I love the aide, but sometimes she doesn't seem to have as much patience with you and keeps telling you to do the same things over and over and I see you start to shut down. But she is good with you and tries to help you not just lay there watching TV. I just hope she's not draining you, and I pray for wisdom if she's not the right one, although she is great at what she does. I worry on days like today that you might not make it to tomorrow, but I know it's all in the Lord's hands and I trust Him. I have selfishly prayed for a little longer with you. I really desire to get a family picture taken soon, one with you, Bella, and myself. We haven't taken a picture together since I have been teaching, which is about 16 years. Both of our churches had their new directories done and we got our pictures done, but you did yours alone and I did mine alone. Last fall I wanted to try to go to a professional place to get our picture taken with Bella, but sadly never followed through. So, I hope and pray you will be willing to hold on so we can do that soon. You are my heart, you are my best friend, you are my favorite girl and I love you so much!!!
It's definitely been an interesting time. Auntie finally left last Friday, I think. It was nice to have the house back, but it was really different because then it was just us! Family reunion for pappy's side came around and I didn't go on Friday night, because I didn't want to leave you, but I took a chance to go Saturday night and Sunday afternoon. You were doing fine, and you don't get up on your own anymore, and you mostly sleep, so I decided to go for a little bit each day. I knew it was something I needed to do or I would regret it. We only do this every two years. It was so great to see the family!! I was so glad to be able to spend time with them! They of course asked about you and I told them you have had good and not so good days. I got some nice pictures and brought them home for you to look at. I'm not sure you recognized some of them, but some I think you did. It was important for me to be able to do this and have pictures to show you and talk about with you. Going and being with family definitely was good for my spirit. I needed to see them again, especially to see and spend time with Auntie Alberta and Uncle George, pappy's oldest brother and sister, 88 and 89 years old. Both of them live alone down on the property in Georgia and they looked great! Cousin Patty had a party for Auntie Alberta on Tuesday for her 88th birthday. It was another nice night! Uncle George is also suffering from Dementia, but when he was asked if he knew who I was, he said he knew I was Buddy's daughter, but just couldn't remember my name. I was so excited to hear that!!! Cousin Debra and I chatted a lot during the reunion because she goes over and takes care of Uncle George every day. We talked about many similar experiences. She said Uncle George loves his sweets too! That is so you! She talked about answering the same questions every few minutes. You don't ask anymore, you haven't been talking much, but I remember those days well! It was wonderful and a bit emotional for me when everything was over and I had to say the final see ya! I'm so glad I decided to do that, to see them, touch them, hug them, talk to them once again. I really do hope and pray I can see them all again sometime soon!
As I said, you have had some good and some not so good moments. You have been a little more interactive lately which has been nice. I have added coconut oil to our diet because I have heard some wonderful things about it. The coconut oil has seemed to help your mood, you haven't been as agitated with me, and you have been asking more things lately. A few days ago you asked me what day it was, another time I was watching TV with you and you asked if the lady was the mother of the couple of kids that were on. We were watching Dog Whisperer and he was helping a family, so you put that together. Another day when I went into the room to check on you, you asked me where I was before. I wish I were able to blog more consistently because then I could remember more things more clearly. It just is hard to do when there are always different people over the house. It is great to have the help, but I never know when anyone is exactly coming. They call 20 min. to an hour before they plan to come over. Then there are sometimes 2-4 people that come out to see you or me, between the care manager, the social worker, the hospice nurse, the home health aide, the occupational therapist, the massage therapist, and the homemaker/companion. Don't get me wrong, I am so glad for all of the help for you. That helps me so much. So, yes, there have been those good signs of you interacting with me and the aide or the companion. Last week when the aide came on Monday, you were back to your jokey person. I asked if you loved me when the companion was there and you said, "Not really." The companion and I had to laugh about that. Another time you told her, "That's my daughter." She asked what my name was but you couldn't tell her, you started with a "Sss...", but that was all you got out. So she went through a list of different names and you kept shaking your head or saying no. Then she asked if it was Stacey and you grinned and nodded your head yes. There have been some sweet moments like that. Last night after I changed you and was heading to bed, I put my head by yours and I felt you press your head toward mine and I told you I loved you, and you whispered back, "I love you, too." That continually blesses my heart. You have held my hand, you have rubbed my hand with your thumb, you've given me winks back when I wink at you, you have smiled for me when I asked (after asking a couple of times:), you have told me you loved me, when I asked if I was your favorite girl you said yes. These are all things I want to treasure always, which is a reason why I write this blog...to keep those things close to me.
Then, there are days like yesterday and today. You haven't seemed to feel as well. You haven't eaten much either. You seem to be in more pain, and you haven't talked to me as much. You have been keeping food in your cheeks and not swallowing it right away. You haven't had much problem swallowing food, but you have had trouble swallowing drinks. You don't choke or anything, but just gulp big, and close your eyes, or you just hold it in your mouth for a while. A couple of weeks ago, you ate a pancake and your egg sandwich, yesterday you actually ate more than I thought. You had some pancake for breakfast again and later in the day, then later on you wanted some ziti and ate some of that. Today you barely ate an egg and you keep saying you don't want anything else. I tried to get you to drink your Ensure, but you won't drink that either. It is days like these that I worry that I won't have you much longer. But just this past Friday, the home health aide got you up in your wheelchair and you sat in there for about 6 hours because you didn't want to get back into the bed. I finally just had to put you back so I could change you. This was the first time I had moved you by myself since you came home from the hospital. I had been doing it before, but everyone said it's a two person job, so I stopped trying. But the aide got you up by herself to see if she could, so I told her I would try to put you back by myself, so I did and it was fine! I love the aide, but sometimes she doesn't seem to have as much patience with you and keeps telling you to do the same things over and over and I see you start to shut down. But she is good with you and tries to help you not just lay there watching TV. I just hope she's not draining you, and I pray for wisdom if she's not the right one, although she is great at what she does. I worry on days like today that you might not make it to tomorrow, but I know it's all in the Lord's hands and I trust Him. I have selfishly prayed for a little longer with you. I really desire to get a family picture taken soon, one with you, Bella, and myself. We haven't taken a picture together since I have been teaching, which is about 16 years. Both of our churches had their new directories done and we got our pictures done, but you did yours alone and I did mine alone. Last fall I wanted to try to go to a professional place to get our picture taken with Bella, but sadly never followed through. So, I hope and pray you will be willing to hold on so we can do that soon. You are my heart, you are my best friend, you are my favorite girl and I love you so much!!!
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Calgon...Take Me Away!!!!
Dear Mom,
It's 10:40 at night. Not usually a big deal, but this was the earliest time I could get down here to write to you! This is killing me. This was supposed to be a week where your sister and her husband came up from VA to help me. I wasn't really looking forward to it, because I often feel overwhelmed by your sister. She is very nice, but very outspoken with very strong feelings. I never quite feel good enough. So, they got here Sunday afternoon. Only Auntie is staying with me not Uncle, he's staying at your brother's house. I'm not sure how long they are planning to stay, they haven't said. :-/ Monday, I got a call from the Masonicare nurse, she hadn't planned to come that day, but after talking to me, decided to come out. About the same time, the Home Health Aide came to wash you. The nurse was surprised that you were a lot less mobile than before. I asked about Physical Therapy coming out to the house because your right hand and wrist were still dropped and turned in on themselves. The only way it will get better is with some therapy. The nurse said they wouldn't do that because you can't retain the information, so I would just have to work with her. I was just about in tears because being your daughter, you will give me a much harder time than someone else. I felt like they were giving up on you, and there was nothing I could do about it. Auntie was there, but she said she sort of understood what the nurse was saying. The nurse was going to send a Palliative care nurse out to the house the next day to talk with me. I think Monday night was pretty regular, I think your brother may have come over, too. There wasn't much down time for me, because I feel like I have to be a hostess the whole time. Tuesday, the other nurse came out I thought she was coming about 11:30, but it ended up being closer to 12, but....she wasn't a Palliative care nurse she was a Hospice nurse. I don't like that word, and Auntie and I were a little surprised. But she said the doctor ordered it for mom. Not that they think you don't have long, but for some of the services and things you would need. The more I listened to this nurse, the more comfortable I became. We needed a hospital bed to make it easier for you, me, and the Home Health Aide. The only way we could get that was through Hospice. Then she said the words that totally won me over...she said you could have Massage Therapy and Music Therapy!!! That sounded wonderful to me, for someone like me who LOVES music, and knows how important music is in life let alone for Alzheimer's patients! They will also take care of meds and have them sent to the house, so I don't have to find the time or try to remember to go pick them up. So, though I don't like the word or thought, I did sign you up for Hospice. After talking to me, she went in to take your vitals and see you. She was very kind and very helpful! After she left the Home Health Aide came, I had been waiting for her, too, because I thought she said she was coming around 11. So there went the morning. I had breakfast, but right as I was finishing my uncle came into the kitchen to ask me for a pen or something to help get the spring out of the knobs of the sink. He was fixing the leak. Then after I brought it to him, he suggested I just stay and watch. So, I did, and went back to super soggy cereal, not my favorite, but it was a teeny bit. I also in that time during breakfast had to answer the phone a couple of times...ugh! The Home Health Aide washed you and then washed your hair too. We had to cut it a little because the back got matted. It looks great though, don't worry. :) You didn't seem to mind at all. But guess where you were when we were cutting it??? Sitting on the edge of the bed!!!! You haven't done that since before the last hospital visit! I was beyond thrilled to see you sitting up. We decided to put you in the wheelchair that friends donated to us, the Aide and I got you over to it. It was a struggle, but I was glad to see you sitting up like that again! I wanted to keep you in the chair because they were supposed to be coming with the Hospital bed and it would be easier if you were already out of bed. You kept nodding and leaning forward in the chair, so Auntie kept getting nervous and wanted to get you back in bed. It was around 5 or so at night, so she didn't think they would be coming. Well, Uncle and I got you back in the bed and comfy. I was hot and needed a break from everything so I came downstairs, was going to blog a little, and got a teeny bit done. Then next thing I know, Auntie is calling me upstairs to tell me that they were here with the bed...UGH! So, back upstairs I went, had to put Bella away again, poor girl. And had to move you out of the bed to the wheelchair again, which is painful for you, which is why I wanted to try to keep you in...UUGGHH! Oh well, they finally got it taken apart and into the living room. They asked what I wanted to do with it, I just said to put it out on the lawn, there's no real reason to try to keep it. Though it makes me sad to see you and dad's bed taken out of the house. They don't want to get rid of it, though, they want to put it in the smaller guest room. UUUGGGHHH!! I say a big ugh because there is a lot of stuff in there that I need to go through, but haven't had a chance to, and Uncle was already talking about that. But with everything that went on that day, I wasn't up to even thinking about that. I missed lunch, too, because as I started eating that's when the Aide needed a comb and then scissors. It was cereal again, I got in a few bites then went to help, when I got back about 10-15 minutes later, it was way too soggy and lukewarm to eat. So, no lunch. Then didn't have dinner until about 7:30. I finally got downstairs after 8:30 or so. Got a little down time, but still things to do. Today was busy again, the Care Manager came out for a while. Your Pastor came out about then, too. Then I took Bella for a little walk. When we got back the Aide came. Uncle was going through more of my bags and things and trying to clean things out. Not so comfy with that, but not much I can do. I already started taking some things out of the guest room since he was talking about going through that. He's going to be staying here tomorrow. One of my friends from church came over and helped me get stuff out of the guest room and organize the stuff I was keeping. Auntie and Uncle had left to go to other Uncle's, then other Uncle showed up here, not realizing they were at his house. He saw you for a bit, then went to see them. So we got the room cleaned up nicely. As we were doing that, a home security place came by. They were here for a while, then since I went with it, they had an installer that came out afterward. As I was talking to them and setting things up, Auntie kept calling me to come help you get straight or whatever. So I was running back and forth. I tried to straighten you, but you are so stiff, so I did the best I could, with Bella in my hand, I'm trying to straighten you out, keep her from jumping down, while Auntie watches. She wasn't content as to how you were still laying, but I couldn't do much better for the time. So that was frustrating! After she asked me about your dinner, so I heated it up and brought it to your room, as I was still talking to the guys. It felt a bit rude to me. I finally was able to get dinner for myself about 8:30 or after. Then Auntie tells me Uncle set up an appointment with his attorney for me about POA or becoming Conservator, hadn't done that yet. But the Hospice nurse said I don't have to have it, but they are making me go. We are supposed to leave about 3 tomorrow, and other Auntie will come to stay with you. But the homemaker/companion was supposed to come tomorrow for the first time and I need to meet her. I told Auntie, but she just said other Auntie will be here. That's not OK because for the first visit I need to be there, plus need to handle Bella. So now I have to try to remember to call someone to tell them not to send the homemaker/companion. Then I was writing earlier and Auntie called because you spilled your juice on yourself, so I had to change you... your shirt, your sheets, your bed pad. I was sweating terribly. So, needless to say, I'm wiped out! Stressing some, and feeling forced to do things. I probably need more than Calgon to take me away! You have been pretty good with me the past couple of days though, which is nice. Well, this is long enough, and I'm sure you'll be tired just trying to read it all, so... I love you!!
It's 10:40 at night. Not usually a big deal, but this was the earliest time I could get down here to write to you! This is killing me. This was supposed to be a week where your sister and her husband came up from VA to help me. I wasn't really looking forward to it, because I often feel overwhelmed by your sister. She is very nice, but very outspoken with very strong feelings. I never quite feel good enough. So, they got here Sunday afternoon. Only Auntie is staying with me not Uncle, he's staying at your brother's house. I'm not sure how long they are planning to stay, they haven't said. :-/ Monday, I got a call from the Masonicare nurse, she hadn't planned to come that day, but after talking to me, decided to come out. About the same time, the Home Health Aide came to wash you. The nurse was surprised that you were a lot less mobile than before. I asked about Physical Therapy coming out to the house because your right hand and wrist were still dropped and turned in on themselves. The only way it will get better is with some therapy. The nurse said they wouldn't do that because you can't retain the information, so I would just have to work with her. I was just about in tears because being your daughter, you will give me a much harder time than someone else. I felt like they were giving up on you, and there was nothing I could do about it. Auntie was there, but she said she sort of understood what the nurse was saying. The nurse was going to send a Palliative care nurse out to the house the next day to talk with me. I think Monday night was pretty regular, I think your brother may have come over, too. There wasn't much down time for me, because I feel like I have to be a hostess the whole time. Tuesday, the other nurse came out I thought she was coming about 11:30, but it ended up being closer to 12, but....she wasn't a Palliative care nurse she was a Hospice nurse. I don't like that word, and Auntie and I were a little surprised. But she said the doctor ordered it for mom. Not that they think you don't have long, but for some of the services and things you would need. The more I listened to this nurse, the more comfortable I became. We needed a hospital bed to make it easier for you, me, and the Home Health Aide. The only way we could get that was through Hospice. Then she said the words that totally won me over...she said you could have Massage Therapy and Music Therapy!!! That sounded wonderful to me, for someone like me who LOVES music, and knows how important music is in life let alone for Alzheimer's patients! They will also take care of meds and have them sent to the house, so I don't have to find the time or try to remember to go pick them up. So, though I don't like the word or thought, I did sign you up for Hospice. After talking to me, she went in to take your vitals and see you. She was very kind and very helpful! After she left the Home Health Aide came, I had been waiting for her, too, because I thought she said she was coming around 11. So there went the morning. I had breakfast, but right as I was finishing my uncle came into the kitchen to ask me for a pen or something to help get the spring out of the knobs of the sink. He was fixing the leak. Then after I brought it to him, he suggested I just stay and watch. So, I did, and went back to super soggy cereal, not my favorite, but it was a teeny bit. I also in that time during breakfast had to answer the phone a couple of times...ugh! The Home Health Aide washed you and then washed your hair too. We had to cut it a little because the back got matted. It looks great though, don't worry. :) You didn't seem to mind at all. But guess where you were when we were cutting it??? Sitting on the edge of the bed!!!! You haven't done that since before the last hospital visit! I was beyond thrilled to see you sitting up. We decided to put you in the wheelchair that friends donated to us, the Aide and I got you over to it. It was a struggle, but I was glad to see you sitting up like that again! I wanted to keep you in the chair because they were supposed to be coming with the Hospital bed and it would be easier if you were already out of bed. You kept nodding and leaning forward in the chair, so Auntie kept getting nervous and wanted to get you back in bed. It was around 5 or so at night, so she didn't think they would be coming. Well, Uncle and I got you back in the bed and comfy. I was hot and needed a break from everything so I came downstairs, was going to blog a little, and got a teeny bit done. Then next thing I know, Auntie is calling me upstairs to tell me that they were here with the bed...UGH! So, back upstairs I went, had to put Bella away again, poor girl. And had to move you out of the bed to the wheelchair again, which is painful for you, which is why I wanted to try to keep you in...UUGGHH! Oh well, they finally got it taken apart and into the living room. They asked what I wanted to do with it, I just said to put it out on the lawn, there's no real reason to try to keep it. Though it makes me sad to see you and dad's bed taken out of the house. They don't want to get rid of it, though, they want to put it in the smaller guest room. UUUGGGHHH!! I say a big ugh because there is a lot of stuff in there that I need to go through, but haven't had a chance to, and Uncle was already talking about that. But with everything that went on that day, I wasn't up to even thinking about that. I missed lunch, too, because as I started eating that's when the Aide needed a comb and then scissors. It was cereal again, I got in a few bites then went to help, when I got back about 10-15 minutes later, it was way too soggy and lukewarm to eat. So, no lunch. Then didn't have dinner until about 7:30. I finally got downstairs after 8:30 or so. Got a little down time, but still things to do. Today was busy again, the Care Manager came out for a while. Your Pastor came out about then, too. Then I took Bella for a little walk. When we got back the Aide came. Uncle was going through more of my bags and things and trying to clean things out. Not so comfy with that, but not much I can do. I already started taking some things out of the guest room since he was talking about going through that. He's going to be staying here tomorrow. One of my friends from church came over and helped me get stuff out of the guest room and organize the stuff I was keeping. Auntie and Uncle had left to go to other Uncle's, then other Uncle showed up here, not realizing they were at his house. He saw you for a bit, then went to see them. So we got the room cleaned up nicely. As we were doing that, a home security place came by. They were here for a while, then since I went with it, they had an installer that came out afterward. As I was talking to them and setting things up, Auntie kept calling me to come help you get straight or whatever. So I was running back and forth. I tried to straighten you, but you are so stiff, so I did the best I could, with Bella in my hand, I'm trying to straighten you out, keep her from jumping down, while Auntie watches. She wasn't content as to how you were still laying, but I couldn't do much better for the time. So that was frustrating! After she asked me about your dinner, so I heated it up and brought it to your room, as I was still talking to the guys. It felt a bit rude to me. I finally was able to get dinner for myself about 8:30 or after. Then Auntie tells me Uncle set up an appointment with his attorney for me about POA or becoming Conservator, hadn't done that yet. But the Hospice nurse said I don't have to have it, but they are making me go. We are supposed to leave about 3 tomorrow, and other Auntie will come to stay with you. But the homemaker/companion was supposed to come tomorrow for the first time and I need to meet her. I told Auntie, but she just said other Auntie will be here. That's not OK because for the first visit I need to be there, plus need to handle Bella. So now I have to try to remember to call someone to tell them not to send the homemaker/companion. Then I was writing earlier and Auntie called because you spilled your juice on yourself, so I had to change you... your shirt, your sheets, your bed pad. I was sweating terribly. So, needless to say, I'm wiped out! Stressing some, and feeling forced to do things. I probably need more than Calgon to take me away! You have been pretty good with me the past couple of days though, which is nice. Well, this is long enough, and I'm sure you'll be tired just trying to read it all, so... I love you!!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Getting Tougher
Dear Mom,
I know I just wrote last week about your hospital to home moment a couple of weeks ago. But as I was writing that, you were actually back in the hospital. Tuesday, July 2, I called 911 to come take you because your right hand totally turned in on itself. Your wrist just drooped down and you weren't able to straighten it, and you had been struggling walking, seemed like you had a tough time moving your right leg properly. So, I called the nurse first to see what she thought. I was worried it could be a stroke, she said to call 911 right away. They came and took you back to the hospital. It was about 7 p.m. when they took you and you still hadn't gotten a room at 2:30 the next morning. They finally just told me to go home because they were going to be taking you down for an MRI soon. So, I left and went back the next morning. The doctors said it wasn't a stroke, but they weren't sure about the hand. Later a neurologist said it was something he called wrist drop. He said there is foot drop and this was probably wrist drop. He said you probably slept on it for a long period of time and it weakened or something. That is the only side you sleep on. He said it could reverse with some exercise or something, and he said a wrist splint could help. They found you have a UTI and you were dehydrated. They didn't give you an IV, but just had water and juice for you. Sorry, as I'm writing this it's about a week later and your sister and her husband are here to help with you. But today, I'm a little stressed. So, I'm gonna skip ahead for a moment. There has been so much going on, but when I have to entertain guests, I don't get to relax and just come get my reprieve from blogging and it's killing me. I appreciate their help, but today I waited for the nurse to get here. I thought your Home Health Aide was coming around 11, so I waited for her. The nurse called to say she was coming about 11:30. So time was spent waiting for them to come. The nurse came about 12, that was an interesting meeting that I'll talk about soon...I hope, if I can keep finding moments to come down here and blog a little. I feel like this post is all over the place as it is. But it's because I started it this morning, then couldn't get it finished before breakfast. Then, like I said waited for your Home Health Aide, and then waited for the nurse. When she got here we had lots to talk about. She was very helpful! I won't try to get into that right now either so I can finish writing this to you. Hoping to get it done without more interruptions. The nurse came and we talked for a couple of hours and made some important decisions. Then a little after the Home Health Aide came. I tried to come down here and finish the post, but then they needed me upstairs again. I came down another time, but by the time I started to write some more on this post I was called back upstairs because they were coming with your bed. So, I had to go take care of that. I hadn't even been able to finish my lunch because people called on the phone, other people needed my help with things. It's been busy today, and I have just needed this time to write to you. There is so much going on and I don't want to miss putting it into words, keeping up with what is going on with you. There have been some crazy changes, so I don't want to miss writing it down so I can check when things started to change and what happens. So, yea, this post is all askew right now, and probably doesn't make much sense. I guess that's how my mind is going right now...crazy! So, I'm going to close and try to write more understandably tomorrow, or hopefully sometime soon. I love you!
I know I just wrote last week about your hospital to home moment a couple of weeks ago. But as I was writing that, you were actually back in the hospital. Tuesday, July 2, I called 911 to come take you because your right hand totally turned in on itself. Your wrist just drooped down and you weren't able to straighten it, and you had been struggling walking, seemed like you had a tough time moving your right leg properly. So, I called the nurse first to see what she thought. I was worried it could be a stroke, she said to call 911 right away. They came and took you back to the hospital. It was about 7 p.m. when they took you and you still hadn't gotten a room at 2:30 the next morning. They finally just told me to go home because they were going to be taking you down for an MRI soon. So, I left and went back the next morning. The doctors said it wasn't a stroke, but they weren't sure about the hand. Later a neurologist said it was something he called wrist drop. He said there is foot drop and this was probably wrist drop. He said you probably slept on it for a long period of time and it weakened or something. That is the only side you sleep on. He said it could reverse with some exercise or something, and he said a wrist splint could help. They found you have a UTI and you were dehydrated. They didn't give you an IV, but just had water and juice for you. Sorry, as I'm writing this it's about a week later and your sister and her husband are here to help with you. But today, I'm a little stressed. So, I'm gonna skip ahead for a moment. There has been so much going on, but when I have to entertain guests, I don't get to relax and just come get my reprieve from blogging and it's killing me. I appreciate their help, but today I waited for the nurse to get here. I thought your Home Health Aide was coming around 11, so I waited for her. The nurse called to say she was coming about 11:30. So time was spent waiting for them to come. The nurse came about 12, that was an interesting meeting that I'll talk about soon...I hope, if I can keep finding moments to come down here and blog a little. I feel like this post is all over the place as it is. But it's because I started it this morning, then couldn't get it finished before breakfast. Then, like I said waited for your Home Health Aide, and then waited for the nurse. When she got here we had lots to talk about. She was very helpful! I won't try to get into that right now either so I can finish writing this to you. Hoping to get it done without more interruptions. The nurse came and we talked for a couple of hours and made some important decisions. Then a little after the Home Health Aide came. I tried to come down here and finish the post, but then they needed me upstairs again. I came down another time, but by the time I started to write some more on this post I was called back upstairs because they were coming with your bed. So, I had to go take care of that. I hadn't even been able to finish my lunch because people called on the phone, other people needed my help with things. It's been busy today, and I have just needed this time to write to you. There is so much going on and I don't want to miss putting it into words, keeping up with what is going on with you. There have been some crazy changes, so I don't want to miss writing it down so I can check when things started to change and what happens. So, yea, this post is all askew right now, and probably doesn't make much sense. I guess that's how my mind is going right now...crazy! So, I'm going to close and try to write more understandably tomorrow, or hopefully sometime soon. I love you!
Thursday, July 5, 2012
I Miss You More Everyday!
Dear Mom,
You were in the hospital from Friday to Monday. They did all kinds of tests and everything came back negative, thankfully! I was so glad to get you back home, I wasn't sure if they would try to put you in a rehab place or something before coming home. But they let you come back so you could be in familiar surroundings. I was glad, because I knew you wanted to be home with Bella. At the hospital you kept asking where she was, you kept asking if she was in the other room. I kept telling you she was home and she was fine. Thankfully that answer sufficed. A couple of times you said you were ready to go get home to Bella. But I let you know, you had to get stronger and then the doctor would let you come home, and you were OK with that too. So, I'm glad you got to come home to Bella and me! You just haven't been back to your new "normal". You have had some good days, but then you seem to be getting weaker than you were before you went into the hospital. Before you went into the hospital, I could help you stand by holding your elbow, telling you to hold mine, having you lean forward, and with a good grip on me and the chair arm or table you could stand. Now, I basically have to pick you up, you're not standing well at all. You haven't really been on any meds except one low dose Bayer aspirin. They want to decrease your Aricept to 5 mg. I wonder about that because you were doing so much better on the 23 mg. But then some of your problem lately seems to be coming from your Arthritis or sciatic. You are dragging your feet more and can't stand up straight. So, I'm at a loss to know what to do to help you. I can't get you out of the house to get to the doctor because you are not walking well enough. The VNA comes over once a week, and a Home Health Aide comes three times a week to bathe you. You have been OK with them. We are still working on a Homemaker/Companion from a different company called Angel Touch. Everyone understands my desire to try to keep you home, and they are trying to work with me, which I appreciate. But even the past couple of days you seem weaker. You haven't been drinking much, and don't always finish everything anymore. Yesterday you could barely hold your cup in your hands. I'm not sure what's going on and why you are getting so weak, so quickly. But I have really been missing you! You're my best friend! It kills me to think we won't get to just ride in a car and even just look at scenery together, you won't be coming with me to the mall to get our nails done together. You probably won't even get out of the house to see the flowers that I planted for you, this year I planted your Impatiens in the front. You probably won't get to see or drive in the new (to me) car I was just surprised with late Sunday night, early Monday morning. I just bought a new bath seat for $100 and I don't even know if you'll be using it much anymore if you're not getting around better. So many things I don't know, so many things I'm missing with you, it's difficult!
I wanted so badly to share and have you understand this new (to me) car story. So, I'll tell you here. Sunday was Pastor Rob's last Sunday, the Lord has called him to be a chaplain in the US Air Force. So it was his last sermon, it was definitely an emotional day. I was glad I was able to make it. You weren't great, when I left you, you had just sat up from being face down on the kitchen table, sleeping hard. But I knew you would be OK for the few hours I would be gone. I said some teary goodbyes to him, his wife, the two boys that I have watched grow up to 7 or 8 and 6 years old, the sweetest little two year old girl, and adorable few month old son.
It was so hard to say goodbye, but I am excited for them to go on and serve the Lord where He wants them. Well, that morning one of the ladies from my church gave me a card that was such an encouragement, and she had a wonderful poem about growing in the valley in the card. What a blessing!! Then one of the ladies from your church called to see how you were, then she asked specifically how I was doing. That meant so much to me! I shared some things with her and she prayed with me. It was so nice to have that opportunity to share! Well, now to other news...
About 11:15 Sunday night I got a phone call from my pastor's wife. She said she and pastor had a gift for me, but they wanted to be able to give it to me face to face, but they would be leaving super early in the morning so if it was possible they would love to have me come over then. I was surprised, I couldn't imagine what they wanted to give me, I thought maybe they had some cute pictures of the kids for me or something. They know how much I love those kids! I got there and talked with them for a bit, then pastor went over to the kitchen cabinet and got out some money for me. I broke down of course, and told them I hated to take it, because we have been doing OK lately. But they said it was for an oil change and needs for my car. I was shocked, but so blessed. I really did need an oil change badly. Pastor and I were talking about my car, and some of the things about it, he just let me talk. I told him how thankful I was that it still worked, that I didn't have a car payment and it got me where I needed it to, but you have a hard time getting into and out of it because it is so low. But still thankful for it! It's your old car, I got it from you after mine conked out. My '99 Camry conked and you weren't driving your '96 Corolla anymore because your forgetfulness was starting and that would have been dangerous. So, it has lasted a while. As pastor and I were talking, Megan walked around to the other side of pastor and then told them he was taking too long!! She started walking toward me with a smile, and pastor was grinning wildly too. Megan walked toward me with a..........KEY!!! It was a key to their car! They wanted me to have it because they love me!! Can you believe it, mom???!?!? Pastor said, they have HEARD me coming into the church parking lot for several months now, and they wanted me to have a reliable ride. What a blessing!!! I got home after 1 a.m. and I shared with you the good news. You smiled and said a little something, but you didn't quite understand. I still can't believe it, I shock myself when I see it in the driveway, lol.
So, yea, I REALLY, REALLY miss you and certain aspects of our relationship! But I love you more and more!! Love you!
You were in the hospital from Friday to Monday. They did all kinds of tests and everything came back negative, thankfully! I was so glad to get you back home, I wasn't sure if they would try to put you in a rehab place or something before coming home. But they let you come back so you could be in familiar surroundings. I was glad, because I knew you wanted to be home with Bella. At the hospital you kept asking where she was, you kept asking if she was in the other room. I kept telling you she was home and she was fine. Thankfully that answer sufficed. A couple of times you said you were ready to go get home to Bella. But I let you know, you had to get stronger and then the doctor would let you come home, and you were OK with that too. So, I'm glad you got to come home to Bella and me! You just haven't been back to your new "normal". You have had some good days, but then you seem to be getting weaker than you were before you went into the hospital. Before you went into the hospital, I could help you stand by holding your elbow, telling you to hold mine, having you lean forward, and with a good grip on me and the chair arm or table you could stand. Now, I basically have to pick you up, you're not standing well at all. You haven't really been on any meds except one low dose Bayer aspirin. They want to decrease your Aricept to 5 mg. I wonder about that because you were doing so much better on the 23 mg. But then some of your problem lately seems to be coming from your Arthritis or sciatic. You are dragging your feet more and can't stand up straight. So, I'm at a loss to know what to do to help you. I can't get you out of the house to get to the doctor because you are not walking well enough. The VNA comes over once a week, and a Home Health Aide comes three times a week to bathe you. You have been OK with them. We are still working on a Homemaker/Companion from a different company called Angel Touch. Everyone understands my desire to try to keep you home, and they are trying to work with me, which I appreciate. But even the past couple of days you seem weaker. You haven't been drinking much, and don't always finish everything anymore. Yesterday you could barely hold your cup in your hands. I'm not sure what's going on and why you are getting so weak, so quickly. But I have really been missing you! You're my best friend! It kills me to think we won't get to just ride in a car and even just look at scenery together, you won't be coming with me to the mall to get our nails done together. You probably won't even get out of the house to see the flowers that I planted for you, this year I planted your Impatiens in the front. You probably won't get to see or drive in the new (to me) car I was just surprised with late Sunday night, early Monday morning. I just bought a new bath seat for $100 and I don't even know if you'll be using it much anymore if you're not getting around better. So many things I don't know, so many things I'm missing with you, it's difficult!
I wanted so badly to share and have you understand this new (to me) car story. So, I'll tell you here. Sunday was Pastor Rob's last Sunday, the Lord has called him to be a chaplain in the US Air Force. So it was his last sermon, it was definitely an emotional day. I was glad I was able to make it. You weren't great, when I left you, you had just sat up from being face down on the kitchen table, sleeping hard. But I knew you would be OK for the few hours I would be gone. I said some teary goodbyes to him, his wife, the two boys that I have watched grow up to 7 or 8 and 6 years old, the sweetest little two year old girl, and adorable few month old son.
 |
| Aren't they a beautiful family?? |
About 11:15 Sunday night I got a phone call from my pastor's wife. She said she and pastor had a gift for me, but they wanted to be able to give it to me face to face, but they would be leaving super early in the morning so if it was possible they would love to have me come over then. I was surprised, I couldn't imagine what they wanted to give me, I thought maybe they had some cute pictures of the kids for me or something. They know how much I love those kids! I got there and talked with them for a bit, then pastor went over to the kitchen cabinet and got out some money for me. I broke down of course, and told them I hated to take it, because we have been doing OK lately. But they said it was for an oil change and needs for my car. I was shocked, but so blessed. I really did need an oil change badly. Pastor and I were talking about my car, and some of the things about it, he just let me talk. I told him how thankful I was that it still worked, that I didn't have a car payment and it got me where I needed it to, but you have a hard time getting into and out of it because it is so low. But still thankful for it! It's your old car, I got it from you after mine conked out. My '99 Camry conked and you weren't driving your '96 Corolla anymore because your forgetfulness was starting and that would have been dangerous. So, it has lasted a while. As pastor and I were talking, Megan walked around to the other side of pastor and then told them he was taking too long!! She started walking toward me with a smile, and pastor was grinning wildly too. Megan walked toward me with a..........KEY!!! It was a key to their car! They wanted me to have it because they love me!! Can you believe it, mom???!?!? Pastor said, they have HEARD me coming into the church parking lot for several months now, and they wanted me to have a reliable ride. What a blessing!!! I got home after 1 a.m. and I shared with you the good news. You smiled and said a little something, but you didn't quite understand. I still can't believe it, I shock myself when I see it in the driveway, lol.
So, yea, I REALLY, REALLY miss you and certain aspects of our relationship! But I love you more and more!! Love you!
Friday, June 15, 2012
Trying to Trust
Dear Mom,
This is going to be shorter because it is getting late and it will be an early, most likely long day tomorrow. You didn't do very well today. That was surprising because you had been doing better this week. Your sister got here on Wednesday and you started walking just with your cane and no walker, and were moving around a bit more, and you were not fighting me on things like going to the bathroom or taking a shower. But today...today was different, you really struggled getting up this morning. Not waking up, but just getting up, you didn't have much strength. I had to really pull you and we had to do a few tries. I finally got you to the bathroom and then you had a hard time getting up from there. This time we were using the walker and you were still struggling, you kept pushing the walker about 3 feet in front of you, so you were almost bent in half trying to walk. I kept reminding you to bring it closer, but you would forget and keep pushing it farther out. We finally made it back to the bedroom. After about an hour or so, I was trying to get you to the kitchen for breakfast, and again you were struggling. I have gotten used to this I guess, because every once in a while it happens, but your sister wasn't. You were falling asleep at the table while you were eating, which you have done before, but she hadn't seen that since she had been here. You were a little worse today than normal because you really could barely keep your eyes open or head up. I was just heading out, needed to get my nails done, a couple were lifting and starting to come off. But Auntie Janice was concerned and wanted me to call someone to take you in. I pushed your Life Alert and they sent an ambulance. So, no nail-fixing today! You went to the hospital and they took blood, urine, did an xray, and a cat scan. Your vitals were good, but still not sure what was causing this. So, they kept you tonight. So...you're there and I'm here trying to cope without you here, missing you. It was very hard to leave you tonight. Auntie Janice and I kissed you and prayed with you, you said you weren't staying there, but I told you we were going to check on Bella and would be back later and if you went to sleep it would make the time go faster. As we were leaving you started humming to yourself. That made me sad, and it was harder to leave you, but I know and trust you are in good hands...and I always know you are in the Good Hands of the Great Physician! I miss you so much, but I'm going to try to go get some sleep. They are planning to do more tests tomorrow, and the neurologist is supposed to come. I'm hoping to get over there at a decent time in the morning so we don't miss meeting the different doctors and nurses and what they have to say. So, it could be another long day. Praying for you, missing you terribly, and loving you more than you could ever know! I love you! I hope you have a really, good, restful night!
This is going to be shorter because it is getting late and it will be an early, most likely long day tomorrow. You didn't do very well today. That was surprising because you had been doing better this week. Your sister got here on Wednesday and you started walking just with your cane and no walker, and were moving around a bit more, and you were not fighting me on things like going to the bathroom or taking a shower. But today...today was different, you really struggled getting up this morning. Not waking up, but just getting up, you didn't have much strength. I had to really pull you and we had to do a few tries. I finally got you to the bathroom and then you had a hard time getting up from there. This time we were using the walker and you were still struggling, you kept pushing the walker about 3 feet in front of you, so you were almost bent in half trying to walk. I kept reminding you to bring it closer, but you would forget and keep pushing it farther out. We finally made it back to the bedroom. After about an hour or so, I was trying to get you to the kitchen for breakfast, and again you were struggling. I have gotten used to this I guess, because every once in a while it happens, but your sister wasn't. You were falling asleep at the table while you were eating, which you have done before, but she hadn't seen that since she had been here. You were a little worse today than normal because you really could barely keep your eyes open or head up. I was just heading out, needed to get my nails done, a couple were lifting and starting to come off. But Auntie Janice was concerned and wanted me to call someone to take you in. I pushed your Life Alert and they sent an ambulance. So, no nail-fixing today! You went to the hospital and they took blood, urine, did an xray, and a cat scan. Your vitals were good, but still not sure what was causing this. So, they kept you tonight. So...you're there and I'm here trying to cope without you here, missing you. It was very hard to leave you tonight. Auntie Janice and I kissed you and prayed with you, you said you weren't staying there, but I told you we were going to check on Bella and would be back later and if you went to sleep it would make the time go faster. As we were leaving you started humming to yourself. That made me sad, and it was harder to leave you, but I know and trust you are in good hands...and I always know you are in the Good Hands of the Great Physician! I miss you so much, but I'm going to try to go get some sleep. They are planning to do more tests tomorrow, and the neurologist is supposed to come. I'm hoping to get over there at a decent time in the morning so we don't miss meeting the different doctors and nurses and what they have to say. So, it could be another long day. Praying for you, missing you terribly, and loving you more than you could ever know! I love you! I hope you have a really, good, restful night!
Saturday, June 2, 2012
So It's Starting!
Dear Mom,
I am sitting here with tear-filled eyes facing a stark reality, you are getting worse...worse in mind and spirit. Mother's Day, I couldn't get you to get up to go to church with me. I thought it was just a passing phase, a bad day. But now I'm thinking not so much. I tried to bribe you that morning to tell you we would go out to eat, but you still didn't get up. So I left or church by myself while you were still in bed. When I got home you were up and dressed sitting in the living room, but I just brought some food home. When I told you that I had hoped and planned to take you out you said you didn't know, I should have told you. I told you that I had told you a few times that morning. We did have a nice dinner, though. But since you haven't been letting the homemaker/companion people in the house, no one has been coming by, and when I get home you're fine, just sitting asleep on the couch. But your spirit seems fine and you get around fine.
Last Sunday, you got up fine and came out to breakfast, I mentioned getting your sneakers on for church and you kinda said OK or something. So I called the neighbor and told her you might be coming. After taking Bella out, I came back in, got you looking presentable, and went to the room to get your sneakers. You asked what those were for and I told you so you could go to church. You said you weren't going. I asked you why not, since you were fine. You were feeling fine and getting around fine, so there was no reason not to go. You just got irritated and said you didn't want to go and were not going. Needless to say, I was quite unhappy, and called the neighbor back to tell her that now you weren't going. I was pretty frustrated on my way to church. But enjoyed a good sermon, and was OK by the time I got home, still not happy that you hadn't gone. Now as I'm writing this these things should have given me some clue, not sure if I didn't want to see it, or if I just feel like it came on suddenly, and was hard to recognize and realize.
Well, this was the last week of school and I was so excited to be done!! All week you had been doing fine. I was with you all day Monday, then was home a little early on Wednesday. You seemed to be normal (well, your new normal, what normal is for you now). Thursday was my last day and we had a luncheon after school, then I came home. You again were fine. I went to a friend's jewelry party, and when I came back home...again you were fine. About an hour or so later I walked upstairs because I wanted to show you something on TV. As I got to the top of the stairs I noticed things weren't smelling right. I thought you were in the restroom, but you weren't. You were sitting on the bed. So I wasn't sure why I was smelling such a strong smell. After a little bit I checked you and realized you hadn't gotten up to go to the bathroom and were sitting in mess. You got upset when I checked you and reached back to put your hand there to keep me from checking and got stuff on your hand. I got a Kleenex, took your hand and tried to clean it, but you pulled it away from me. I was upset and hurt by that so I just told you that you needed to go to the bathroom, and I went back downstairs. When I came up later you were still sitting on the edge of the bed and hadn't moved. I tried to gently tell you that you needed to get up and go to the bathroom. Eventually you let me help you up and went to the bathroom. Everything was a mess after that. Your hands, your clothes, the floor, the toilet, even the sink. I had you take a bath, and helped you, then you finally got your pj's on and eventually got to your room, that was about 2 o'clock Friday morning. Once I got you to bed, I went to go clean up the mess and do laundry. I finally climbed into bed myself about 3 in the morning. For some reason Bella decided to start scratching on your door to have me come get her and take her out at 5:45!! I was pretty miserable! But I had no plans except to try to catch up on sleep. Wouldn't you know that I got a phone call from the school about mid morning to tell me I needed to go in to sign something for insurance. Ugh! I finally got you to have your breakfast, you were starting to fall asleep at the table after eating your cereal. So I was going to take your egg sandwich and save it for you for later. You took it back from me and said you wanted to eat it. I went to go get ready, and when I was in the bathroom, I heard a weird noise like something hitting something or something closing. Bella heard it too and started barking. I asked you what happened and you said you just hit your head on the kitchen table, but that you were alright. I went to check and you were. There was no bump or anything, but your sandwich was all over the floor. So, I had you get back in bed, cleaned up the sandwich, and headed to school. I got there signed my paper and said hi to a friend (another teacher). We talked for a bit, and it came out about my bad night/morning. She encouraged me with some things, but definitely brought out the tears I had been holding in. She mentioned that I needed to be thinking about what I am going to do when you got too much for me to handle on my own. And said I needed to check into long term care and how much it would be and what I would need to do. It was hard to hear, though I know that it is reality. I got back home and you were OK. Last night again, I smelled something, and you did have a little mess. Not nearly as bad as before, but you were going to take a bath. You ran the water, but I forgot to put out a new washcloth and towel for you. I got them and you went to the bathroom. You were in there for a while, but then finally were done. When I went into the bathroom later I realized that the washcloth was still dry, and so was the chair you use. You ended up not even going, I don't know if you forgot or what. You went into the kitchen and when I came up you said you wanted ice cream. So I got some for you, you said for me to put it in your room, because you were going in there so I did. I told you to take off your turtleneck shirt (yes, even in June!), and had your pajama top on the bed. I heard you moving when I went back downstairs. I finished up downstairs and went up to take Bella out. You were back to sitting in the kitchen, but I didn't see your dish in the sink. When I went back to your room the dish of ice cream (well, soup now) was still sitting where I left it. I just brought it out and put it in the freezer and took Bella out. I told you to go to the bathroom and get ready for bed. I took Bella out, but because it was super rainy we didn't stay out long. When we came back in you were nodding off at the table still. I started turning things off so you would get the hint and go to bed. I couldn't do another late night like Thursday again. You eventually did get up and go to the bathroom. I went to lay in the bed for a while and fell asleep, but woke up about 1 and went to check on you and you were still in the bathroom. I was going to try to help you, but you keep saying you'll do it. So, I went back to bed. A few minutes later I checked again, this time when you woke up you let me help you off the toilet. You got to your bed and I turned off your light and left your TV on for you to turn off whenever. When I woke up about 6 this morning you were still sitting on the side of the bed. I tried to help you get your legs up and into the bed, but you got upset and said not to do that. So, I just left you and took Bella out. You have been like that most of today. I told you I had breakfast ready about 9 and you still haven't had it yet, at 1:20 p.m. I tried to help you off the bed and you refused my help. You got up and got to the bathroom, but I'm sure you are sitting on your pajama bottoms because you didn't pull them down far enough. But you have been sitting on there for at least a couple of hours but will not let me help you. I'm going to have to go up and somehow get you up, because I need to go to the restroom and that is the only one we have. So, my heart is breaking. I don't know what has happened in just a couple of days that has changed things so much. After just saying that I don't want to look into any place because I want to take care of you as long as I can, now I'm wondering what in the world is going on. I wonder if it's the change in meds. The doctor didn't give you Aricept again, but I think a generic version, and not the same dose that you have been taking. You had been taking 23 mg of Aricept, but now you're only taking 10 mg. of the other stuff. So, a little guilt is creeping in because I should have asked and checked about that before. Plus you are long overdue for a checkup at the neurologist. But it's been so crazy I haven't gotten an appointment yet.
On top of all that, Bella needs to be groomed badly. She's been so hot in this weather with all of her fluffy hair, and you don't like to keep the air on. Then the upstairs refrigerator is on the bum. The freezer works, but I have to keep all of our perishables in the downstairs fridge and run up and down to use them. Then since it's been raining so much I came downstairs a little while ago and the basement carpet is sopping wet because lots of rainwater is seeping in. And it's not supposed to stop raining for a while. This is the wettest I've seen it in a while. So needless to say, I'm feeling a little beat up and struggling with why the Lord is allowing so many things at one time. I just came down and had a really good cry and talk with the Lord, more like just telling him it's getting too hard and I don't know what to do. Then my allergies are so bad I can't breathe when I cry because my nose is so stuffed! These are the moments I miss you so much. The mommy that I need, the mommy that I knew, the mommy that would help me and be with me and encourage me. And then I really miss Pappy, he would have known what to do too. Not quite the start of summer I was hoping for. And I've been so jealous of so many people who have so many neat things going on in their lives right now. New babies (lots of people have just had or are going to have them), new relationships, friends of mine that have waited as I have are finding people, and starting relationships, new homes, trips, many new adventures. It's been hard, these are the moments I wish I could talk to you about and tell you, and have you share your wisdom with me and pray with me. You were always so good at that. I must admit, I'm getting a little scared. I have been wondering when things would start going downhill. I wondered how the Lord would allow me to supposedly be back in my classroom full time next year. If you were still going to need me and need me more than this year, because I know things only get worse, then how could I teach full time. So my fears are coming to light. I'm trying to trust, trying to hold on, trying to not think the worst, trying not to feel totally defeated, but it's been getting hard. I'm going to do my best to try to still trust, seek what the Lord is trying to teach me and not get bitter, and try to take care of you the right way, the best I can. The changes make me so sad, and there are lots of decisions and now seem to be lots of cleaning that I will need to be doing. If I have to put you somewhere that means I also have to find a place to put Bella and myself. It's overwhelming. But I do love you! I might be starting to lose my patience or may seem to nag more, but it's because I miss you and do love you so much! Ok, now I'm really worn out, and I think I have expressed most of what I had hoped to. So, I love you, and will make sure to do the right thing by you!
I am sitting here with tear-filled eyes facing a stark reality, you are getting worse...worse in mind and spirit. Mother's Day, I couldn't get you to get up to go to church with me. I thought it was just a passing phase, a bad day. But now I'm thinking not so much. I tried to bribe you that morning to tell you we would go out to eat, but you still didn't get up. So I left or church by myself while you were still in bed. When I got home you were up and dressed sitting in the living room, but I just brought some food home. When I told you that I had hoped and planned to take you out you said you didn't know, I should have told you. I told you that I had told you a few times that morning. We did have a nice dinner, though. But since you haven't been letting the homemaker/companion people in the house, no one has been coming by, and when I get home you're fine, just sitting asleep on the couch. But your spirit seems fine and you get around fine.
Last Sunday, you got up fine and came out to breakfast, I mentioned getting your sneakers on for church and you kinda said OK or something. So I called the neighbor and told her you might be coming. After taking Bella out, I came back in, got you looking presentable, and went to the room to get your sneakers. You asked what those were for and I told you so you could go to church. You said you weren't going. I asked you why not, since you were fine. You were feeling fine and getting around fine, so there was no reason not to go. You just got irritated and said you didn't want to go and were not going. Needless to say, I was quite unhappy, and called the neighbor back to tell her that now you weren't going. I was pretty frustrated on my way to church. But enjoyed a good sermon, and was OK by the time I got home, still not happy that you hadn't gone. Now as I'm writing this these things should have given me some clue, not sure if I didn't want to see it, or if I just feel like it came on suddenly, and was hard to recognize and realize.
Well, this was the last week of school and I was so excited to be done!! All week you had been doing fine. I was with you all day Monday, then was home a little early on Wednesday. You seemed to be normal (well, your new normal, what normal is for you now). Thursday was my last day and we had a luncheon after school, then I came home. You again were fine. I went to a friend's jewelry party, and when I came back home...again you were fine. About an hour or so later I walked upstairs because I wanted to show you something on TV. As I got to the top of the stairs I noticed things weren't smelling right. I thought you were in the restroom, but you weren't. You were sitting on the bed. So I wasn't sure why I was smelling such a strong smell. After a little bit I checked you and realized you hadn't gotten up to go to the bathroom and were sitting in mess. You got upset when I checked you and reached back to put your hand there to keep me from checking and got stuff on your hand. I got a Kleenex, took your hand and tried to clean it, but you pulled it away from me. I was upset and hurt by that so I just told you that you needed to go to the bathroom, and I went back downstairs. When I came up later you were still sitting on the edge of the bed and hadn't moved. I tried to gently tell you that you needed to get up and go to the bathroom. Eventually you let me help you up and went to the bathroom. Everything was a mess after that. Your hands, your clothes, the floor, the toilet, even the sink. I had you take a bath, and helped you, then you finally got your pj's on and eventually got to your room, that was about 2 o'clock Friday morning. Once I got you to bed, I went to go clean up the mess and do laundry. I finally climbed into bed myself about 3 in the morning. For some reason Bella decided to start scratching on your door to have me come get her and take her out at 5:45!! I was pretty miserable! But I had no plans except to try to catch up on sleep. Wouldn't you know that I got a phone call from the school about mid morning to tell me I needed to go in to sign something for insurance. Ugh! I finally got you to have your breakfast, you were starting to fall asleep at the table after eating your cereal. So I was going to take your egg sandwich and save it for you for later. You took it back from me and said you wanted to eat it. I went to go get ready, and when I was in the bathroom, I heard a weird noise like something hitting something or something closing. Bella heard it too and started barking. I asked you what happened and you said you just hit your head on the kitchen table, but that you were alright. I went to check and you were. There was no bump or anything, but your sandwich was all over the floor. So, I had you get back in bed, cleaned up the sandwich, and headed to school. I got there signed my paper and said hi to a friend (another teacher). We talked for a bit, and it came out about my bad night/morning. She encouraged me with some things, but definitely brought out the tears I had been holding in. She mentioned that I needed to be thinking about what I am going to do when you got too much for me to handle on my own. And said I needed to check into long term care and how much it would be and what I would need to do. It was hard to hear, though I know that it is reality. I got back home and you were OK. Last night again, I smelled something, and you did have a little mess. Not nearly as bad as before, but you were going to take a bath. You ran the water, but I forgot to put out a new washcloth and towel for you. I got them and you went to the bathroom. You were in there for a while, but then finally were done. When I went into the bathroom later I realized that the washcloth was still dry, and so was the chair you use. You ended up not even going, I don't know if you forgot or what. You went into the kitchen and when I came up you said you wanted ice cream. So I got some for you, you said for me to put it in your room, because you were going in there so I did. I told you to take off your turtleneck shirt (yes, even in June!), and had your pajama top on the bed. I heard you moving when I went back downstairs. I finished up downstairs and went up to take Bella out. You were back to sitting in the kitchen, but I didn't see your dish in the sink. When I went back to your room the dish of ice cream (well, soup now) was still sitting where I left it. I just brought it out and put it in the freezer and took Bella out. I told you to go to the bathroom and get ready for bed. I took Bella out, but because it was super rainy we didn't stay out long. When we came back in you were nodding off at the table still. I started turning things off so you would get the hint and go to bed. I couldn't do another late night like Thursday again. You eventually did get up and go to the bathroom. I went to lay in the bed for a while and fell asleep, but woke up about 1 and went to check on you and you were still in the bathroom. I was going to try to help you, but you keep saying you'll do it. So, I went back to bed. A few minutes later I checked again, this time when you woke up you let me help you off the toilet. You got to your bed and I turned off your light and left your TV on for you to turn off whenever. When I woke up about 6 this morning you were still sitting on the side of the bed. I tried to help you get your legs up and into the bed, but you got upset and said not to do that. So, I just left you and took Bella out. You have been like that most of today. I told you I had breakfast ready about 9 and you still haven't had it yet, at 1:20 p.m. I tried to help you off the bed and you refused my help. You got up and got to the bathroom, but I'm sure you are sitting on your pajama bottoms because you didn't pull them down far enough. But you have been sitting on there for at least a couple of hours but will not let me help you. I'm going to have to go up and somehow get you up, because I need to go to the restroom and that is the only one we have. So, my heart is breaking. I don't know what has happened in just a couple of days that has changed things so much. After just saying that I don't want to look into any place because I want to take care of you as long as I can, now I'm wondering what in the world is going on. I wonder if it's the change in meds. The doctor didn't give you Aricept again, but I think a generic version, and not the same dose that you have been taking. You had been taking 23 mg of Aricept, but now you're only taking 10 mg. of the other stuff. So, a little guilt is creeping in because I should have asked and checked about that before. Plus you are long overdue for a checkup at the neurologist. But it's been so crazy I haven't gotten an appointment yet.
On top of all that, Bella needs to be groomed badly. She's been so hot in this weather with all of her fluffy hair, and you don't like to keep the air on. Then the upstairs refrigerator is on the bum. The freezer works, but I have to keep all of our perishables in the downstairs fridge and run up and down to use them. Then since it's been raining so much I came downstairs a little while ago and the basement carpet is sopping wet because lots of rainwater is seeping in. And it's not supposed to stop raining for a while. This is the wettest I've seen it in a while. So needless to say, I'm feeling a little beat up and struggling with why the Lord is allowing so many things at one time. I just came down and had a really good cry and talk with the Lord, more like just telling him it's getting too hard and I don't know what to do. Then my allergies are so bad I can't breathe when I cry because my nose is so stuffed! These are the moments I miss you so much. The mommy that I need, the mommy that I knew, the mommy that would help me and be with me and encourage me. And then I really miss Pappy, he would have known what to do too. Not quite the start of summer I was hoping for. And I've been so jealous of so many people who have so many neat things going on in their lives right now. New babies (lots of people have just had or are going to have them), new relationships, friends of mine that have waited as I have are finding people, and starting relationships, new homes, trips, many new adventures. It's been hard, these are the moments I wish I could talk to you about and tell you, and have you share your wisdom with me and pray with me. You were always so good at that. I must admit, I'm getting a little scared. I have been wondering when things would start going downhill. I wondered how the Lord would allow me to supposedly be back in my classroom full time next year. If you were still going to need me and need me more than this year, because I know things only get worse, then how could I teach full time. So my fears are coming to light. I'm trying to trust, trying to hold on, trying to not think the worst, trying not to feel totally defeated, but it's been getting hard. I'm going to do my best to try to still trust, seek what the Lord is trying to teach me and not get bitter, and try to take care of you the right way, the best I can. The changes make me so sad, and there are lots of decisions and now seem to be lots of cleaning that I will need to be doing. If I have to put you somewhere that means I also have to find a place to put Bella and myself. It's overwhelming. But I do love you! I might be starting to lose my patience or may seem to nag more, but it's because I miss you and do love you so much! Ok, now I'm really worn out, and I think I have expressed most of what I had hoped to. So, I love you, and will make sure to do the right thing by you!
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