Storms

Dear Mom,

We just had a huge storm go by, and you know me I hate storms!!  They freak me out!  Normally we would go down into the basement and wait it out.  But of course that can't happen now that you are bed ridden. So,   I stuck it out with you upstairs.  It got pretty loud and we both jumped a few times when those loud claps of thunder came.  I am a little concerned again, because after a pretty good week, the weekend has come around again, and you are back to not eating, not drinking much, and not responding much.  I was able to go to church because the companion came.  She was really nice and quite friendly and was great with Bella!!  That made me very happy and it was great to be at church, and I even got to get some things from Target that I needed before I came home.  The nurse came while I was gone and the companion said she said your vitals were good, but your pulse was a little high, and she'll be coming back on Tuesday to check on you again.  You didn't drink much for the companion either, she said about 3 sips maybe.  You are getting kinda tiny, and it makes me sad.  But as the storm came, I just sat in the room with you and Bella.  We couldn't have the TV on, and I know that is hard for you not to have something to focus on especially during a storm like that one was.  So, I decided to sing for you.  Yesterday the music therapist came and sang for you, and you were enjoying him so much.  It was the first time the TV had been off in weeks. You never want me to turn it off, but you were totally focused on him and enjoyed him.  He sang some oldies like Blue Moon, and some show tunes like Oh What a Beautiful Morning and These are a Few of My Favorite Things, and then some hymns like Deep River, Every Time I Feel the Spirit, The Old Rugged Cross, and ended with Amazing Grace.  A couple of times you tried to join in, but the words wouldn't come so you just laid there and listened.  After you tried to tell him he did a good job, and that you liked it, but could barely get that out.  It was neat to see, and when he sang Amazing Grace, you just closed your eyes and listened.  I am so glad he came and I think you were, too!  So, that gave me the idea today to sing for you, that was a special time.  Even with the storm loudly raging all around us, it was nice to sing and think of songs that we both love!

It's hard to see you like this today, I feel very emotional, but I don't want to cry in front of you, so I try to save it for times when I am downstairs or in another room!  And I just try to smile and laugh with you.  Last night after I changed you, I turned the Olympics on and we watched Michael Phelps last race.  I was cheering him on and then you looked at me, so I jokingly gave an oops face and put my hands down and you kinda laughed a little bit.  That was a beautiful thing to hear!  Then when he won I started cheering louder and you looked over at me and put your little lips together and shushed me. :)  It was so cute and made me smile, so I had to do it a couple more times, just to see you do that again!  Every little reaction I can get out of you is so important and special to me.  That's why today is so hard, you're not responding to me much and just don't seem to be feeling well.  You seem a little restless, and it sadly reminds me of pappy's last day, he was that way.  The thing is last weekend was kind of the same way and then you turned around on Monday and were better.  After the storm I got a little bit of applesauce in you, and you seemed better than you were just a few minutes before.  So, not sure what to expect, but it is really a struggle.  It's interesting that there was such a bad storm today, we haven't had the bad ones around us, they have usually been in other cities and towns, but we got lots of thunder and lightning.  It didn't seem like it was going to end, it kept going, but as with all storms it finally did.  But there is more chance for storms tonight, too.  Hopefully not as bad as this one.  I decided to take pictures on my phone of you, me, and Bella...just in case.... I hate to say that, but I'm just not sure if and when the people I know that take beautiful pictures will be able to do it, and I didn't want to miss the opportunity.

 They didn't come out too badly.  But I still hope to try to get more professional ones done.  So, the storms came and passed and there will be more, but they too will pass.  This is a great reminder to me, there are storms, and some can be pretty big, and some are pretty bad, and scary, but they do end, and the sun does come out again.  I hope I can remind myself of that often!  Your sister is coming back up tomorrow, but this time she is staying with your brother, I'm kinda glad she is coming, because again, I don't know what to expect, especially if you're not eating or drinking.  I know she'll be sad and maybe a little shocked when she sees you and the weight you've lost since she was last here.  I hope you'll be able to enjoy some more time together this week.  It's a struggle for me right now, because I just want more time with you, but I also don't want to see you starve to death or wither away to nothing.  I would rather you go, looking more like yourself and with still some recognition of me.  I don't know if this week will bring some stronger days as last week did, or if you are wanting to just be done.  I just keep praying for the Lord's will and the strength to handle it.  So many memories going through my head, and so much I am missing.  And this weekend has been pretty lonely for me.  As I sit at the kitchen table by myself, I realize that this could be the normal thing, just Bella and me, it makes me really sad.  No husband, no boyfriend, no kids, no sisters and brothers, just Bella and me.  But we will be OK mom, you don't need to worry about us.  So, though I can't quite get out the words  or the OK thought to let you go, I do pray that the Lord will heal you, whether on this side, or taking you home with Him to heal you.  Then I pray for peace for me.  Mom, I love you so much!  You are my favorite girl and my best friend.  I hope I can write you a little more, but either way my love for you is so strong.  Thank you for who you are to me and all that you have been to me.  I love you!!!