Holding On

Dear Mom,

I got to wake up to your sweet face again.  You weren't maybe quite as expressive, but you did respond when I asked if you were OK and told you I was taking Bella out and would come back in to change you.  You seemed pretty good.  I took Bella out and came back in to you and you were in pain and at first didn't want me to move you, but we finally did get it done without too much pain.  Your sister came over about 9:30 to see you.  She wanted me to call the hospice nurse as soon as I finished breakfast to make sure she would come sooner than later.  I called the main number, they contacted her, and she called to say she would be coming out.  I told her I was concerned about you and your swallowing.  I asked if they could give you an IV and she said they don't do that.  I told her you weren't getting anything in and I couldn't give you any medication either.  So she just suggested using the meds in the comfort pack, and she went through all of them with me.  She told me I was doing a good job, and said it was good that I had mom home with the people who love her.  That brought on the water works.  It was hard to hear that.  But I got myself in check.  Auntie and the nurse shared some things with me.  I didn't want to cry too much because I had just put on my makeup.  Now lest you think I'm vain, the only reason I was concerned about my makeup is because I was able to get a hold of one of my friends and she was able to come TODAY to take professional pictures of you, Bella, and me...and even Auntie.  I was so excited about that!!  I can't wait to see the pictures!  She is going to edit them as soon as she can, and put them into an online album for me, and then I can choose what I want to use and choose from many different sizes of pictures.  That definitely made my day!  The homemaker companion came after, and a bit later the aide came.  And this time it was another different one, but she said she was supposed to come 5 times a week. So that means that the other aide, that I liked, but struggled with how she handled some things, will not be coming back.  This new aide was pretty awesome, too.  I was really comfortable with her, and she took good care of you!  Uncle came over, too, for a little bit, to see you before he had to go to a practice.  Later, Auntie asked if she could come stay here with us, and of course I told her yes.  I think it's important for her to be here.  I really don't have a good feeling about how you are doing.  I contacted your pastor and he came by with his son.  That was special.  You didn't respond much, but you did wave hello.  I also took time to call your good friend, she hasn't been over here in a while because of Bella, but she said she wouldn't mind coming as long as I was there and held her.  Then I texted a couple of other friends.  I came down here to email my new pastor to let him know what was going on, and so that he would be aware that I want to try to be home with you, if you do make it until school starts, that is my desire.  As I was getting ready to finish it, Auntie called and asked me to come watch and listen to you breathe to see if it sounded different to me.  You do seem to be taking more labored breaths.  That did concern me.  I talked to a nurse friend on the phone to check about what she thought about the eating and drinking and them not being able to give an IV.  She explained a lot to me, and made me feel much more at ease!  So thankful for great friends!
Speaking of great friends...two of your friends that I contacted came by tonight to see you.  I could tell that you recognized both of them, though you didn't say anything.  Then the one friend that is afraid of Bella kept telling me to hold her tight, a couple of times when she did that you kinda laughed a little bit.  It was sweet to see and hear that.  I also told you to show her your wink, and I winked at you, and you winked back!  We did that a couple of times and I was glad she got to see it.  She gave you a little ice cream, and you did eat some.  Then your other friend, skipped a little of her birthday dinner to come see you.  They stayed with you for a little while and had a nice time of fellowship with you!  I am so thankful they came and got to see you.  So you are still holding on.  I have been singing with you, and praying with you.  It's hard to watch you be so restless, but I gave you a little morphine to try to take the edge off.  It reminds me so much of pappy on his last day, he was quite restless.  So, I have been holding on, too, not crying in front of you, but just loving on you and kissing you as much as I can, and touching you, and holding all of these moments close in my heart and my mind!  This is really hard, but thankfully the Lord has continued to give strength!  I love you so much, my beauty!  Always!