Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Through the Tough Times

Dear Mom,
I am really struggling right now...with loneliness, sadness, discouragement, and probably even some depression. You have been struggling lately, too...not wanting to do much, not wanting to go to church, not wanting to get out of the house, and not really wanting to get out of the bed. You are comfortable lying there watching your TV shows, I Love Lucy, Little House on the Prairie, The Talk, Dr. Oz, and others. That's where you spend most of your time and you seem most comfortable and happy there. This is hard for me to see. You can barely walk because your left hip is very weak, and your sciatic nerve in your left leg is bothering you so much. I have been running ragged to take you to physical therapy appointments twice a week. They have either been early in the morning before school or right after school, so it feels that either way I have been rushing a bit. You haven't been complaining as much about the spots on you...not as much as you had been. Now the big thing is that your feet and ankles have been very swollen. So you call me into the bathroom or your room or the living room to show me your swollen feet and ankles. I tell you that you need to move more, get more circulation flowing in the legs, but I know because you are hurting that is hard. I try to get you to do the exercises that the physical therapist showed me to do with you, but you often claim that you are too tired to do more than a couple of them at a time. I feel like you're giving up on me. It's breaking my heart. It's hard for me, because I am going through some of my own things and the place that would normally be my place of reprieve and solace has no longer been that. Partly for my own reasons, but also because people are so busy. So these struggles and frustrations and the sadness I feel go unmentioned because lately I have been feeling as if I have been complaining too much to people about some of the things I'm struggling with and it seems that they are getting tired of hearing me. So my natural tendency is to close myself off. I have to hide my true feelings and hurts at the place that used to be my place of solace, and I have to hide my hurts and feelings from you at home. Don't worry, mom, I have been going to the Lord for help through these things, but I can't help still feeling a little lonely. I have been a little short with you lately because I think I am just hurting and exhausted, and things just seem to keep getting crazier and crazier! Trust me, I'm not mad at you, just frustrated that it seems like you are giving in to depression and pain. And I guess part of the reason that frustrates me is because sometimes I would like to do that too, but I know I can't. So, I feel like I'm trying to hold on for both of us and many people can't seem to understand that. So, it's been hard lately, but I'm going to keep going and keep fighting for you, because I love you too much to let you go and give in to these things. I pray for you, I care about you, I need you, I miss you, and most of all...I LOVE YOU!!

1 comment:

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