Dear Mom,
This is going to be shorter because it is getting late and it will be an early, most likely long day tomorrow. You didn't do very well today. That was surprising because you had been doing better this week. Your sister got here on Wednesday and you started walking just with your cane and no walker, and were moving around a bit more, and you were not fighting me on things like going to the bathroom or taking a shower. But today...today was different, you really struggled getting up this morning. Not waking up, but just getting up, you didn't have much strength. I had to really pull you and we had to do a few tries. I finally got you to the bathroom and then you had a hard time getting up from there. This time we were using the walker and you were still struggling, you kept pushing the walker about 3 feet in front of you, so you were almost bent in half trying to walk. I kept reminding you to bring it closer, but you would forget and keep pushing it farther out. We finally made it back to the bedroom. After about an hour or so, I was trying to get you to the kitchen for breakfast, and again you were struggling. I have gotten used to this I guess, because every once in a while it happens, but your sister wasn't. You were falling asleep at the table while you were eating, which you have done before, but she hadn't seen that since she had been here. You were a little worse today than normal because you really could barely keep your eyes open or head up. I was just heading out, needed to get my nails done, a couple were lifting and starting to come off. But Auntie Janice was concerned and wanted me to call someone to take you in. I pushed your Life Alert and they sent an ambulance. So, no nail-fixing today! You went to the hospital and they took blood, urine, did an xray, and a cat scan. Your vitals were good, but still not sure what was causing this. So, they kept you tonight. So...you're there and I'm here trying to cope without you here, missing you. It was very hard to leave you tonight. Auntie Janice and I kissed you and prayed with you, you said you weren't staying there, but I told you we were going to check on Bella and would be back later and if you went to sleep it would make the time go faster. As we were leaving you started humming to yourself. That made me sad, and it was harder to leave you, but I know and trust you are in good hands...and I always know you are in the Good Hands of the Great Physician! I miss you so much, but I'm going to try to go get some sleep. They are planning to do more tests tomorrow, and the neurologist is supposed to come. I'm hoping to get over there at a decent time in the morning so we don't miss meeting the different doctors and nurses and what they have to say. So, it could be another long day. Praying for you, missing you terribly, and loving you more than you could ever know! I love you! I hope you have a really, good, restful night!
Friday, June 15, 2012
Saturday, June 2, 2012
So It's Starting!
Dear Mom,
I am sitting here with tear-filled eyes facing a stark reality, you are getting worse...worse in mind and spirit. Mother's Day, I couldn't get you to get up to go to church with me. I thought it was just a passing phase, a bad day. But now I'm thinking not so much. I tried to bribe you that morning to tell you we would go out to eat, but you still didn't get up. So I left or church by myself while you were still in bed. When I got home you were up and dressed sitting in the living room, but I just brought some food home. When I told you that I had hoped and planned to take you out you said you didn't know, I should have told you. I told you that I had told you a few times that morning. We did have a nice dinner, though. But since you haven't been letting the homemaker/companion people in the house, no one has been coming by, and when I get home you're fine, just sitting asleep on the couch. But your spirit seems fine and you get around fine.
Last Sunday, you got up fine and came out to breakfast, I mentioned getting your sneakers on for church and you kinda said OK or something. So I called the neighbor and told her you might be coming. After taking Bella out, I came back in, got you looking presentable, and went to the room to get your sneakers. You asked what those were for and I told you so you could go to church. You said you weren't going. I asked you why not, since you were fine. You were feeling fine and getting around fine, so there was no reason not to go. You just got irritated and said you didn't want to go and were not going. Needless to say, I was quite unhappy, and called the neighbor back to tell her that now you weren't going. I was pretty frustrated on my way to church. But enjoyed a good sermon, and was OK by the time I got home, still not happy that you hadn't gone. Now as I'm writing this these things should have given me some clue, not sure if I didn't want to see it, or if I just feel like it came on suddenly, and was hard to recognize and realize.
Well, this was the last week of school and I was so excited to be done!! All week you had been doing fine. I was with you all day Monday, then was home a little early on Wednesday. You seemed to be normal (well, your new normal, what normal is for you now). Thursday was my last day and we had a luncheon after school, then I came home. You again were fine. I went to a friend's jewelry party, and when I came back home...again you were fine. About an hour or so later I walked upstairs because I wanted to show you something on TV. As I got to the top of the stairs I noticed things weren't smelling right. I thought you were in the restroom, but you weren't. You were sitting on the bed. So I wasn't sure why I was smelling such a strong smell. After a little bit I checked you and realized you hadn't gotten up to go to the bathroom and were sitting in mess. You got upset when I checked you and reached back to put your hand there to keep me from checking and got stuff on your hand. I got a Kleenex, took your hand and tried to clean it, but you pulled it away from me. I was upset and hurt by that so I just told you that you needed to go to the bathroom, and I went back downstairs. When I came up later you were still sitting on the edge of the bed and hadn't moved. I tried to gently tell you that you needed to get up and go to the bathroom. Eventually you let me help you up and went to the bathroom. Everything was a mess after that. Your hands, your clothes, the floor, the toilet, even the sink. I had you take a bath, and helped you, then you finally got your pj's on and eventually got to your room, that was about 2 o'clock Friday morning. Once I got you to bed, I went to go clean up the mess and do laundry. I finally climbed into bed myself about 3 in the morning. For some reason Bella decided to start scratching on your door to have me come get her and take her out at 5:45!! I was pretty miserable! But I had no plans except to try to catch up on sleep. Wouldn't you know that I got a phone call from the school about mid morning to tell me I needed to go in to sign something for insurance. Ugh! I finally got you to have your breakfast, you were starting to fall asleep at the table after eating your cereal. So I was going to take your egg sandwich and save it for you for later. You took it back from me and said you wanted to eat it. I went to go get ready, and when I was in the bathroom, I heard a weird noise like something hitting something or something closing. Bella heard it too and started barking. I asked you what happened and you said you just hit your head on the kitchen table, but that you were alright. I went to check and you were. There was no bump or anything, but your sandwich was all over the floor. So, I had you get back in bed, cleaned up the sandwich, and headed to school. I got there signed my paper and said hi to a friend (another teacher). We talked for a bit, and it came out about my bad night/morning. She encouraged me with some things, but definitely brought out the tears I had been holding in. She mentioned that I needed to be thinking about what I am going to do when you got too much for me to handle on my own. And said I needed to check into long term care and how much it would be and what I would need to do. It was hard to hear, though I know that it is reality. I got back home and you were OK. Last night again, I smelled something, and you did have a little mess. Not nearly as bad as before, but you were going to take a bath. You ran the water, but I forgot to put out a new washcloth and towel for you. I got them and you went to the bathroom. You were in there for a while, but then finally were done. When I went into the bathroom later I realized that the washcloth was still dry, and so was the chair you use. You ended up not even going, I don't know if you forgot or what. You went into the kitchen and when I came up you said you wanted ice cream. So I got some for you, you said for me to put it in your room, because you were going in there so I did. I told you to take off your turtleneck shirt (yes, even in June!), and had your pajama top on the bed. I heard you moving when I went back downstairs. I finished up downstairs and went up to take Bella out. You were back to sitting in the kitchen, but I didn't see your dish in the sink. When I went back to your room the dish of ice cream (well, soup now) was still sitting where I left it. I just brought it out and put it in the freezer and took Bella out. I told you to go to the bathroom and get ready for bed. I took Bella out, but because it was super rainy we didn't stay out long. When we came back in you were nodding off at the table still. I started turning things off so you would get the hint and go to bed. I couldn't do another late night like Thursday again. You eventually did get up and go to the bathroom. I went to lay in the bed for a while and fell asleep, but woke up about 1 and went to check on you and you were still in the bathroom. I was going to try to help you, but you keep saying you'll do it. So, I went back to bed. A few minutes later I checked again, this time when you woke up you let me help you off the toilet. You got to your bed and I turned off your light and left your TV on for you to turn off whenever. When I woke up about 6 this morning you were still sitting on the side of the bed. I tried to help you get your legs up and into the bed, but you got upset and said not to do that. So, I just left you and took Bella out. You have been like that most of today. I told you I had breakfast ready about 9 and you still haven't had it yet, at 1:20 p.m. I tried to help you off the bed and you refused my help. You got up and got to the bathroom, but I'm sure you are sitting on your pajama bottoms because you didn't pull them down far enough. But you have been sitting on there for at least a couple of hours but will not let me help you. I'm going to have to go up and somehow get you up, because I need to go to the restroom and that is the only one we have. So, my heart is breaking. I don't know what has happened in just a couple of days that has changed things so much. After just saying that I don't want to look into any place because I want to take care of you as long as I can, now I'm wondering what in the world is going on. I wonder if it's the change in meds. The doctor didn't give you Aricept again, but I think a generic version, and not the same dose that you have been taking. You had been taking 23 mg of Aricept, but now you're only taking 10 mg. of the other stuff. So, a little guilt is creeping in because I should have asked and checked about that before. Plus you are long overdue for a checkup at the neurologist. But it's been so crazy I haven't gotten an appointment yet.
On top of all that, Bella needs to be groomed badly. She's been so hot in this weather with all of her fluffy hair, and you don't like to keep the air on. Then the upstairs refrigerator is on the bum. The freezer works, but I have to keep all of our perishables in the downstairs fridge and run up and down to use them. Then since it's been raining so much I came downstairs a little while ago and the basement carpet is sopping wet because lots of rainwater is seeping in. And it's not supposed to stop raining for a while. This is the wettest I've seen it in a while. So needless to say, I'm feeling a little beat up and struggling with why the Lord is allowing so many things at one time. I just came down and had a really good cry and talk with the Lord, more like just telling him it's getting too hard and I don't know what to do. Then my allergies are so bad I can't breathe when I cry because my nose is so stuffed! These are the moments I miss you so much. The mommy that I need, the mommy that I knew, the mommy that would help me and be with me and encourage me. And then I really miss Pappy, he would have known what to do too. Not quite the start of summer I was hoping for. And I've been so jealous of so many people who have so many neat things going on in their lives right now. New babies (lots of people have just had or are going to have them), new relationships, friends of mine that have waited as I have are finding people, and starting relationships, new homes, trips, many new adventures. It's been hard, these are the moments I wish I could talk to you about and tell you, and have you share your wisdom with me and pray with me. You were always so good at that. I must admit, I'm getting a little scared. I have been wondering when things would start going downhill. I wondered how the Lord would allow me to supposedly be back in my classroom full time next year. If you were still going to need me and need me more than this year, because I know things only get worse, then how could I teach full time. So my fears are coming to light. I'm trying to trust, trying to hold on, trying to not think the worst, trying not to feel totally defeated, but it's been getting hard. I'm going to do my best to try to still trust, seek what the Lord is trying to teach me and not get bitter, and try to take care of you the right way, the best I can. The changes make me so sad, and there are lots of decisions and now seem to be lots of cleaning that I will need to be doing. If I have to put you somewhere that means I also have to find a place to put Bella and myself. It's overwhelming. But I do love you! I might be starting to lose my patience or may seem to nag more, but it's because I miss you and do love you so much! Ok, now I'm really worn out, and I think I have expressed most of what I had hoped to. So, I love you, and will make sure to do the right thing by you!
I am sitting here with tear-filled eyes facing a stark reality, you are getting worse...worse in mind and spirit. Mother's Day, I couldn't get you to get up to go to church with me. I thought it was just a passing phase, a bad day. But now I'm thinking not so much. I tried to bribe you that morning to tell you we would go out to eat, but you still didn't get up. So I left or church by myself while you were still in bed. When I got home you were up and dressed sitting in the living room, but I just brought some food home. When I told you that I had hoped and planned to take you out you said you didn't know, I should have told you. I told you that I had told you a few times that morning. We did have a nice dinner, though. But since you haven't been letting the homemaker/companion people in the house, no one has been coming by, and when I get home you're fine, just sitting asleep on the couch. But your spirit seems fine and you get around fine.
Last Sunday, you got up fine and came out to breakfast, I mentioned getting your sneakers on for church and you kinda said OK or something. So I called the neighbor and told her you might be coming. After taking Bella out, I came back in, got you looking presentable, and went to the room to get your sneakers. You asked what those were for and I told you so you could go to church. You said you weren't going. I asked you why not, since you were fine. You were feeling fine and getting around fine, so there was no reason not to go. You just got irritated and said you didn't want to go and were not going. Needless to say, I was quite unhappy, and called the neighbor back to tell her that now you weren't going. I was pretty frustrated on my way to church. But enjoyed a good sermon, and was OK by the time I got home, still not happy that you hadn't gone. Now as I'm writing this these things should have given me some clue, not sure if I didn't want to see it, or if I just feel like it came on suddenly, and was hard to recognize and realize.
Well, this was the last week of school and I was so excited to be done!! All week you had been doing fine. I was with you all day Monday, then was home a little early on Wednesday. You seemed to be normal (well, your new normal, what normal is for you now). Thursday was my last day and we had a luncheon after school, then I came home. You again were fine. I went to a friend's jewelry party, and when I came back home...again you were fine. About an hour or so later I walked upstairs because I wanted to show you something on TV. As I got to the top of the stairs I noticed things weren't smelling right. I thought you were in the restroom, but you weren't. You were sitting on the bed. So I wasn't sure why I was smelling such a strong smell. After a little bit I checked you and realized you hadn't gotten up to go to the bathroom and were sitting in mess. You got upset when I checked you and reached back to put your hand there to keep me from checking and got stuff on your hand. I got a Kleenex, took your hand and tried to clean it, but you pulled it away from me. I was upset and hurt by that so I just told you that you needed to go to the bathroom, and I went back downstairs. When I came up later you were still sitting on the edge of the bed and hadn't moved. I tried to gently tell you that you needed to get up and go to the bathroom. Eventually you let me help you up and went to the bathroom. Everything was a mess after that. Your hands, your clothes, the floor, the toilet, even the sink. I had you take a bath, and helped you, then you finally got your pj's on and eventually got to your room, that was about 2 o'clock Friday morning. Once I got you to bed, I went to go clean up the mess and do laundry. I finally climbed into bed myself about 3 in the morning. For some reason Bella decided to start scratching on your door to have me come get her and take her out at 5:45!! I was pretty miserable! But I had no plans except to try to catch up on sleep. Wouldn't you know that I got a phone call from the school about mid morning to tell me I needed to go in to sign something for insurance. Ugh! I finally got you to have your breakfast, you were starting to fall asleep at the table after eating your cereal. So I was going to take your egg sandwich and save it for you for later. You took it back from me and said you wanted to eat it. I went to go get ready, and when I was in the bathroom, I heard a weird noise like something hitting something or something closing. Bella heard it too and started barking. I asked you what happened and you said you just hit your head on the kitchen table, but that you were alright. I went to check and you were. There was no bump or anything, but your sandwich was all over the floor. So, I had you get back in bed, cleaned up the sandwich, and headed to school. I got there signed my paper and said hi to a friend (another teacher). We talked for a bit, and it came out about my bad night/morning. She encouraged me with some things, but definitely brought out the tears I had been holding in. She mentioned that I needed to be thinking about what I am going to do when you got too much for me to handle on my own. And said I needed to check into long term care and how much it would be and what I would need to do. It was hard to hear, though I know that it is reality. I got back home and you were OK. Last night again, I smelled something, and you did have a little mess. Not nearly as bad as before, but you were going to take a bath. You ran the water, but I forgot to put out a new washcloth and towel for you. I got them and you went to the bathroom. You were in there for a while, but then finally were done. When I went into the bathroom later I realized that the washcloth was still dry, and so was the chair you use. You ended up not even going, I don't know if you forgot or what. You went into the kitchen and when I came up you said you wanted ice cream. So I got some for you, you said for me to put it in your room, because you were going in there so I did. I told you to take off your turtleneck shirt (yes, even in June!), and had your pajama top on the bed. I heard you moving when I went back downstairs. I finished up downstairs and went up to take Bella out. You were back to sitting in the kitchen, but I didn't see your dish in the sink. When I went back to your room the dish of ice cream (well, soup now) was still sitting where I left it. I just brought it out and put it in the freezer and took Bella out. I told you to go to the bathroom and get ready for bed. I took Bella out, but because it was super rainy we didn't stay out long. When we came back in you were nodding off at the table still. I started turning things off so you would get the hint and go to bed. I couldn't do another late night like Thursday again. You eventually did get up and go to the bathroom. I went to lay in the bed for a while and fell asleep, but woke up about 1 and went to check on you and you were still in the bathroom. I was going to try to help you, but you keep saying you'll do it. So, I went back to bed. A few minutes later I checked again, this time when you woke up you let me help you off the toilet. You got to your bed and I turned off your light and left your TV on for you to turn off whenever. When I woke up about 6 this morning you were still sitting on the side of the bed. I tried to help you get your legs up and into the bed, but you got upset and said not to do that. So, I just left you and took Bella out. You have been like that most of today. I told you I had breakfast ready about 9 and you still haven't had it yet, at 1:20 p.m. I tried to help you off the bed and you refused my help. You got up and got to the bathroom, but I'm sure you are sitting on your pajama bottoms because you didn't pull them down far enough. But you have been sitting on there for at least a couple of hours but will not let me help you. I'm going to have to go up and somehow get you up, because I need to go to the restroom and that is the only one we have. So, my heart is breaking. I don't know what has happened in just a couple of days that has changed things so much. After just saying that I don't want to look into any place because I want to take care of you as long as I can, now I'm wondering what in the world is going on. I wonder if it's the change in meds. The doctor didn't give you Aricept again, but I think a generic version, and not the same dose that you have been taking. You had been taking 23 mg of Aricept, but now you're only taking 10 mg. of the other stuff. So, a little guilt is creeping in because I should have asked and checked about that before. Plus you are long overdue for a checkup at the neurologist. But it's been so crazy I haven't gotten an appointment yet.
On top of all that, Bella needs to be groomed badly. She's been so hot in this weather with all of her fluffy hair, and you don't like to keep the air on. Then the upstairs refrigerator is on the bum. The freezer works, but I have to keep all of our perishables in the downstairs fridge and run up and down to use them. Then since it's been raining so much I came downstairs a little while ago and the basement carpet is sopping wet because lots of rainwater is seeping in. And it's not supposed to stop raining for a while. This is the wettest I've seen it in a while. So needless to say, I'm feeling a little beat up and struggling with why the Lord is allowing so many things at one time. I just came down and had a really good cry and talk with the Lord, more like just telling him it's getting too hard and I don't know what to do. Then my allergies are so bad I can't breathe when I cry because my nose is so stuffed! These are the moments I miss you so much. The mommy that I need, the mommy that I knew, the mommy that would help me and be with me and encourage me. And then I really miss Pappy, he would have known what to do too. Not quite the start of summer I was hoping for. And I've been so jealous of so many people who have so many neat things going on in their lives right now. New babies (lots of people have just had or are going to have them), new relationships, friends of mine that have waited as I have are finding people, and starting relationships, new homes, trips, many new adventures. It's been hard, these are the moments I wish I could talk to you about and tell you, and have you share your wisdom with me and pray with me. You were always so good at that. I must admit, I'm getting a little scared. I have been wondering when things would start going downhill. I wondered how the Lord would allow me to supposedly be back in my classroom full time next year. If you were still going to need me and need me more than this year, because I know things only get worse, then how could I teach full time. So my fears are coming to light. I'm trying to trust, trying to hold on, trying to not think the worst, trying not to feel totally defeated, but it's been getting hard. I'm going to do my best to try to still trust, seek what the Lord is trying to teach me and not get bitter, and try to take care of you the right way, the best I can. The changes make me so sad, and there are lots of decisions and now seem to be lots of cleaning that I will need to be doing. If I have to put you somewhere that means I also have to find a place to put Bella and myself. It's overwhelming. But I do love you! I might be starting to lose my patience or may seem to nag more, but it's because I miss you and do love you so much! Ok, now I'm really worn out, and I think I have expressed most of what I had hoped to. So, I love you, and will make sure to do the right thing by you!
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Time Flies
Dear Mom,
It's been a while since I have written. I feel bad because things have been so busy, it's been hard to keep up. School is almost out...this Thursday!!! I'm so excited, I can't wait! Then I won't feel like I'm deserting you everyday! I have been running around so much lately it will be nice to slow down a bit. Between the school play, zumba, ballroom, parties and vendor events for my new business It Works!, Jr./Sr. Banquet, graduation and grad parties, and a concert things have been a bit wild. But I wanted to take some time today first of all to wish you and pappy a Happy Anniversary. It would have been 41 years today that you would have been married. A love story ended too soon! I'm just so thrilled to have been able to watch it grow and flourish through the years! Once you started going to church and taking me with you, things were not so great around here since pappy was not at all happy about that. There were some scary, not fun moments. But through it all you stayed and loved him and prayed for him every day! You have always been such a testimony to me. Consistently praying for 12 years for pappy to get saved before he finally did. You never gave up. A beautiful love story! Thank you for showing me selfless, strong, caring love! It hasn't happened for me yet, not sure if it will, but if it does I hope to use your love story as my example!
Now, I'm going to totally switch gears! Last Thursday we had our Spring Concert. It was definitely a fun night with little extra fun parts to it. You didn't want to go, but I took some videos and just had to share them with you! The first one is my group of 5th and 6th grade handbells. We played the William Tell Overture, it was fun because we pretended to mess up, I stopped them, and pretended to give them a pep talk, then made the music director come up and join us while putting on a Lone Ranger mask like the kids were and then we played it again correctly. I only told a few people about it and I never told the music director so it was a neat surprise! :)
Sorry it's sideways, one of the girls took the video for me and this is how it came out. Don't know how to turn it right! :)
The Jr. High handbells playing Under the Sea with bubbles and leis. They play so well for a Jr. High group!!
The girl's choir singing Do, Re, Mi.
The Sr. High handbells playing Pirates of the Caribbean with pirate hats. The music director had his pirate hat, an eye patch, a sword to direct with, and then one of the girls bought an earring for him to wear with his pirate get-up. :) They did an awesome job!
The Sr. High choir did such an awesome job with this song! Hard to hear them over the instruments, but it was awesome!
There was lots more wonderful music from the Elementary choir, to solos, to other songs by handbells and choirs! Wish you could have been there to enjoy it, but hope this gives you a little taste of the fun! Love you!
It's been a while since I have written. I feel bad because things have been so busy, it's been hard to keep up. School is almost out...this Thursday!!! I'm so excited, I can't wait! Then I won't feel like I'm deserting you everyday! I have been running around so much lately it will be nice to slow down a bit. Between the school play, zumba, ballroom, parties and vendor events for my new business It Works!, Jr./Sr. Banquet, graduation and grad parties, and a concert things have been a bit wild. But I wanted to take some time today first of all to wish you and pappy a Happy Anniversary. It would have been 41 years today that you would have been married. A love story ended too soon! I'm just so thrilled to have been able to watch it grow and flourish through the years! Once you started going to church and taking me with you, things were not so great around here since pappy was not at all happy about that. There were some scary, not fun moments. But through it all you stayed and loved him and prayed for him every day! You have always been such a testimony to me. Consistently praying for 12 years for pappy to get saved before he finally did. You never gave up. A beautiful love story! Thank you for showing me selfless, strong, caring love! It hasn't happened for me yet, not sure if it will, but if it does I hope to use your love story as my example!
Now, I'm going to totally switch gears! Last Thursday we had our Spring Concert. It was definitely a fun night with little extra fun parts to it. You didn't want to go, but I took some videos and just had to share them with you! The first one is my group of 5th and 6th grade handbells. We played the William Tell Overture, it was fun because we pretended to mess up, I stopped them, and pretended to give them a pep talk, then made the music director come up and join us while putting on a Lone Ranger mask like the kids were and then we played it again correctly. I only told a few people about it and I never told the music director so it was a neat surprise! :)
There was lots more wonderful music from the Elementary choir, to solos, to other songs by handbells and choirs! Wish you could have been there to enjoy it, but hope this gives you a little taste of the fun! Love you!
Saturday, April 28, 2012
My Shared Thoughts
Dear Mom,
This is from another post that I wrote and I wanted to share it here with you! I love you!
I hate this disease!!!! This disease that changes a mom or dad and makes them become more like a child. I hate this disease that changes the way a husband or wife responds to a spouse, forgetting the many wonderful years they have spent knowing and loving one another. This disease that changes a brother and sister relationship, and keeps the person from remembering those special family memories, in only the way a brother or sister can. I hate this disease that changes a grandma or grandpa and keeps them from knowing their precious grandchildren. This disease that changes an outgoing, strong, confident individual into a shy, introverted, weak person. I hate this disease that changes an amazing cook...someone who always had people looking/asking for certain favorite foods at picnics or parties, to someone who doesn't realize that you don't need to put the burner on high to scramble an egg, someone who doesn't remember what condiments to put on certain foods, who ends up putting jelly or butter on french fries, and now doesn't even try to get near the stove for any type of cooking. This disease that changes a superb gardener... someone who always took care of her father's garden when he became an invalid and was no longer able to, who planted beautiful flowers around her own house in the spring and summer, and who always had beautiful plants throughout the house that people marveled at, into someone who doesn't remember to water the plants and is ready to throw them out if they start to wilt a little, and who has taken a strong liking to putting fake flowers in the front window instead. I hate this disease that changes someone who always kept up with keeping the house clean and neat, to someone who barely even knows how to wash dishes anymore, who takes her plate or cup that she just finished using, wipes them a little with a kleenex or napkin and sets them back in place on the table for the next day, who puts forks, spoons, and knives back in the silverware drawer with food or butter or sauce still on them. This disease that changes a clean, put-together person and keeps them from being able to properly clean themselves or clean up after themselves, especially with bigger messes, though they try, which often times makes matters worse. I hate this disease that keeps a person from knowing what day it is, let alone the month or even the season. This disease where time is non-existent; the person becomes unaware of how many hours have passed, has no idea how late or how early it is, or how inconvenient that can be at times. I hate this disease where a person who has zipped, countless jackets, and buttoned countless pants or shirts, as a daycare provider for 22 years, now finds that to be a very difficult task to complete for themselves. This disease where a people person doesn't want to answer the phone or let anyone in the house because they are so unsure of themselves and their ability to properly communicate. I hate this disease where the person that once taught me to read by reading to me so much as a child and taught me to sound out words so that I could become a better reader (to the point that I read to my K-5 class), can barely read a few words from a magazine or on TV. This disease that keeps a person, from when they finally do answer the phone, from taking a proper message (it ends up being my name, shakily written with an illegible number underneath it), then asks me who it could be. I hate this disease that does not allow the person to remember what you just told them, but amazingly enough an old, familiar song comes on and they can sing or hum that without a problem. This disease that makes a person ask the same questions countless times. This disease that takes someone who used to be or at least used to seem to be fearless, and changes them into someone who has become more frightened of things, and sometimes things that aren't there (although it has been a while since that has taken place). This disease that takes away words, memories, thoughts, and holds them captive. This disease that has taken away my ability to ask or talk about old memories. This disease that has taken away the person who holds the most memories with me, the only person to be able to share some things with...the person who I would love to go back and reminisce with, former kids that were at daycare, former church friends, former family friends, former jobs and friends from jobs, former school friends...for both of us. This disease that has taken away all memories of the countless, wonderful family vacations. This disease that destroys memories, even new ones that try to be made, it eats them away so quickly! I hate this disease which has no cure, though, I am thankful for the meds that can help slow the progression some. I hate this disease that has made me feel more like a single mother, or actually just a full-time caregiver...who doesn't have a clue what she is doing or if it's the right thing or not, rather than a beloved, special, doted on, and loved only child. This disease that has almost, but not quite made my position as daughter a forgotten place, with that one time that I was called sister. I hate this disease!!! But I LOVE the person that has this awful disease, and I continue to pray for a cure! If not for my beloved mom, then at least for someone else who is suffering with or is caring for someone who is suffering with this awful disease.
Lord, you know how I feel about this disease, you have been with me every step of the way! Thank you for being there. Thank you for helping me! Please continue to help me and give me wisdom as I strive to take the best care of my mom. Lord, you didn't just give me to her and my dad, you gave us to each other, and I want to take the proper care of her in the best way I know how, for as long as I can, with your help and wisdom. Please help me to do that! Please give me the courage, strength, and wisdom. Please help there to be a cure found for this awful disease soon, because I hate this disease!!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
What am I Going to Do With You?
Dear Mom,
After the scare of some of those slight changes, and the emergency room visit, you have been better. Not great by any means, but better. You haven't choked necessarily, but you say once in a while that something is caught in the back of your throat. You sniff really hard, and then try to cough, and then sniff in some more. You close your eyes as if it's hard for you to swallow easily. Whatever is going on it really bothers you. I feel badly because I'm not sure how to help you. You just seem to continue to be getting weaker, and struggling more to have conversations. I have still been able to go where I need to go and do things I need or like to do. But.....last week you changed the rules again. On Tuesday, I got a phone call from Keep Me Home saying that the homemaker/companion was outside and was not able to get in the house. Well, that made me nervous because that's what happened the other Friday when I came home to you still sitting on the edge of the bed unable to get up. Oddly enough though, this time, I wasn't quite as nervous as that Friday. I think the reason is because when I left you, you were doing and feeling fine and eating your breakfast. But I did leave school early to get home to check on you. I walk in the house, am greeted by Bella, and look for you. You are sitting right on the couch in the living room. You look and say hi to me. I'm a little shocked and ask what you are doing. You tell me just sitting in the living room...um yea, I can see that. Lol But why didn't you answer the door for the homemaker/companion? You tell me, " Oh, I didn't feel like getting up." Uhhh....what??!?!!?! Seriously?? You say, "I didn't want to answer it, they don't like Bella." I tell you that you can't do that. You have to open the door, they are getting paid to come help out here. You ask me about 20 times if I'm going back to school (you have gotten in the habit of asking me that when I get home). I tell you no, that I'm not even supposed to be here. Then you ask why I am there. I have to tell you what happened again, how you did not open the door for the homemaker/companion. This time you say, "I was sitting right here, I don't know why they couldn't get in." I tell you it's because you didn't let them in. Then later on it becomes, "I didn't hear anybody." OK, well, just make sure tomorrow you open the door and let them in. Even though I know you will not even remember that statement in the next couple of minutes. Well, I got a chance to relax a little longer before making dinner that night. Wednesday morning I told you before I left to make sure to open the door for the homemaker/companion. You told me that you don't like them coming, but I tell you that it's a help to me...although this girl hasn't been maybe as much of a help as I would like. She has been doing lots of reorganizing lately. The pantry... the refrigerator.....under the bathroom sink.....uh...yea, not a fan of that. You probably aren't either, but don't know how to express it, and I still haven't learned to totally speak up either. Wednesday afternoon while I was monitoring a keyboarding class, my phone started vibrating and I looked at the caller ID and it was Keep Me Home. I couldn't answer it then, but later on I listened to the message that said the homemaker/companion couldn't get in again. OK, this was now becoming a problem. I had to go to a couple of stores that afternoon, so I did. When I got home, just as I suspected......you were fine, just hadn't opened the door...again! But when I walked into the house it didn't smell right. I went to kiss you, and checked you and you had stuff on your socks and the bottom of your pants legs and your legs. I looked in the bathroom and saw that you did have an accident as I thought. There was stuff on the floor that you tried to wipe up and on the seat of the toilet. I told you that you needed to go take your bath. The smell was getting to me and I wanted to get it cleaned up as soon as possible. When you got up there was stuff on the back of your pants, too. So I knew I would need to try to clean the couch somehow. I used vinegar and wiped it down really well. I went to check on you and to help you because I know sometimes it's hard for you to get everything cleaned well. While you were finishing up in there, I was getting dinner ready and cleaning the kitchen a little bit. I knew by that point I wasn't going to make it to church, so I got changed into cleaning-mode clothes and went to work in the bathroom. I used vinegar, Fantastic with Oxy Power, and Clorox wipes all over. Then used the Swiffer Wet Jet on the floor. I took out the garbage and did the laundry. Tired, but content that I got most of the smell taken care of, I went downstairs to relax a little. Thursday was fine, and Friday.....well, I got another phone call. I was subbing for 6th grade all day, sadly. Not a fan of subbing. Interestingly enough I had just talked to your pastor at school and he said that he had stopped by to see you. I asked him if he got in. He said he was persistent and he did, and had a good visit, but also noticed that you seemed a little worse. When I had a free moment I called them back and told them that maybe this girl was just not going to work out. I really feel that was the Lord giving me wisdom, and an opportunity to speak up. I asked them for an older person possibly who would relate to you more, engage you more, and not just talk you to death. So, we'll see how this goes! But you've got to be good for me and open the door when they come, so I don't have to keep getting phone calls while I'm trying to teach...please... I know this isn't easy for either of us, but it's very helpful. So, I'm just going to keep praying for that wisdom and help....and strength from the Lord. I got a spare key made that I am going to leave with our neighbor, the one who brings you to church. I figure they can go see her and she can help them get in if need be. Although you have been difficult and a bit naughty, I love you. I miss the you that I used to know, but I love the you that I know now, too. You mean so much to me! I pray for many more years together! Love you!
After the scare of some of those slight changes, and the emergency room visit, you have been better. Not great by any means, but better. You haven't choked necessarily, but you say once in a while that something is caught in the back of your throat. You sniff really hard, and then try to cough, and then sniff in some more. You close your eyes as if it's hard for you to swallow easily. Whatever is going on it really bothers you. I feel badly because I'm not sure how to help you. You just seem to continue to be getting weaker, and struggling more to have conversations. I have still been able to go where I need to go and do things I need or like to do. But.....last week you changed the rules again. On Tuesday, I got a phone call from Keep Me Home saying that the homemaker/companion was outside and was not able to get in the house. Well, that made me nervous because that's what happened the other Friday when I came home to you still sitting on the edge of the bed unable to get up. Oddly enough though, this time, I wasn't quite as nervous as that Friday. I think the reason is because when I left you, you were doing and feeling fine and eating your breakfast. But I did leave school early to get home to check on you. I walk in the house, am greeted by Bella, and look for you. You are sitting right on the couch in the living room. You look and say hi to me. I'm a little shocked and ask what you are doing. You tell me just sitting in the living room...um yea, I can see that. Lol But why didn't you answer the door for the homemaker/companion? You tell me, " Oh, I didn't feel like getting up." Uhhh....what??!?!!?! Seriously?? You say, "I didn't want to answer it, they don't like Bella." I tell you that you can't do that. You have to open the door, they are getting paid to come help out here. You ask me about 20 times if I'm going back to school (you have gotten in the habit of asking me that when I get home). I tell you no, that I'm not even supposed to be here. Then you ask why I am there. I have to tell you what happened again, how you did not open the door for the homemaker/companion. This time you say, "I was sitting right here, I don't know why they couldn't get in." I tell you it's because you didn't let them in. Then later on it becomes, "I didn't hear anybody." OK, well, just make sure tomorrow you open the door and let them in. Even though I know you will not even remember that statement in the next couple of minutes. Well, I got a chance to relax a little longer before making dinner that night. Wednesday morning I told you before I left to make sure to open the door for the homemaker/companion. You told me that you don't like them coming, but I tell you that it's a help to me...although this girl hasn't been maybe as much of a help as I would like. She has been doing lots of reorganizing lately. The pantry... the refrigerator.....under the bathroom sink.....uh...yea, not a fan of that. You probably aren't either, but don't know how to express it, and I still haven't learned to totally speak up either. Wednesday afternoon while I was monitoring a keyboarding class, my phone started vibrating and I looked at the caller ID and it was Keep Me Home. I couldn't answer it then, but later on I listened to the message that said the homemaker/companion couldn't get in again. OK, this was now becoming a problem. I had to go to a couple of stores that afternoon, so I did. When I got home, just as I suspected......you were fine, just hadn't opened the door...again! But when I walked into the house it didn't smell right. I went to kiss you, and checked you and you had stuff on your socks and the bottom of your pants legs and your legs. I looked in the bathroom and saw that you did have an accident as I thought. There was stuff on the floor that you tried to wipe up and on the seat of the toilet. I told you that you needed to go take your bath. The smell was getting to me and I wanted to get it cleaned up as soon as possible. When you got up there was stuff on the back of your pants, too. So I knew I would need to try to clean the couch somehow. I used vinegar and wiped it down really well. I went to check on you and to help you because I know sometimes it's hard for you to get everything cleaned well. While you were finishing up in there, I was getting dinner ready and cleaning the kitchen a little bit. I knew by that point I wasn't going to make it to church, so I got changed into cleaning-mode clothes and went to work in the bathroom. I used vinegar, Fantastic with Oxy Power, and Clorox wipes all over. Then used the Swiffer Wet Jet on the floor. I took out the garbage and did the laundry. Tired, but content that I got most of the smell taken care of, I went downstairs to relax a little. Thursday was fine, and Friday.....well, I got another phone call. I was subbing for 6th grade all day, sadly. Not a fan of subbing. Interestingly enough I had just talked to your pastor at school and he said that he had stopped by to see you. I asked him if he got in. He said he was persistent and he did, and had a good visit, but also noticed that you seemed a little worse. When I had a free moment I called them back and told them that maybe this girl was just not going to work out. I really feel that was the Lord giving me wisdom, and an opportunity to speak up. I asked them for an older person possibly who would relate to you more, engage you more, and not just talk you to death. So, we'll see how this goes! But you've got to be good for me and open the door when they come, so I don't have to keep getting phone calls while I'm trying to teach...please... I know this isn't easy for either of us, but it's very helpful. So, I'm just going to keep praying for that wisdom and help....and strength from the Lord. I got a spare key made that I am going to leave with our neighbor, the one who brings you to church. I figure they can go see her and she can help them get in if need be. Although you have been difficult and a bit naughty, I love you. I miss the you that I used to know, but I love the you that I know now, too. You mean so much to me! I pray for many more years together! Love you!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Slight Changes
Dear Mom,
Spring break had some good moments and some not so great ones. A couple of days in a row at the beginning of the week after you ate breakfast...and then again after you ate dinner, you would start to feel sick. I don't know if you were eating too much, or too fast, but you would start to act like you were going to throw up. It made me nervous each time, it was so strange! You may have done it before, but definitely not as much as you had lately. You also choked a few times when you were drinking. You just kept coughing, then you would put your head in your hands as if you were totally wiped out. Some of your meds had also run out. So with each of these different developments I decided to call the doctor so we could get an appointment. They were able to give us an appointment on Thursday. You were fine in the middle of the day. A couple of days you even wanted to go out for a ride in the car. You and Bella enjoyed hanging out in the car while I got some things done. Then Thursday came and I brought you to the doctor. I told her some of my concerns and she wanted to find out right away if there was anything serious going on. She wanted you to have blood work done a while ago, but I never got it done. It was difficult because all the locations for your bloodwork were at least half an hour away, plus you were supposed to fast before. So, those two things made for a difficult plan to get that done. So the doctor's plan was to have us go over to the emergency room at the hospital near her office so we could get many different tests done right away. Originally, because I had made the appointment at 3, I hoped we would get in there and out of there before dinner time and hoped to go visit a cool cupcake place. I was so excited because I heard some great things about this cupcake place. They have a maple bacon cupcake that I am dying to try. Well, even though we were there at three, and were out of there by a little before 4, we had to go right over to the hospital emergency room. I am not familiar with this hospital, so that was a little weird, too. I got a wheelchair and figured out where we needed to go, and got you all checked in. They got you changed into a gown, set up on a monitor and took some blood. You were cold, so they found some blankets for you. After all that they took you for a scan of some kind I think, then you came back. They tried to take some more blood, but had a hard time finding a vein to get some, but you were a trooper. I was reading a good book, so it was nice to read while we waited. They wanted to take a urine sample, but you already needed to go the the bathroom and mentioned to me that you had already gone in your Depends. You told me that twice. Not long after you told me is when they came in to get the sample. I told them you had already gone. The took the Depends off and they put a bed pan under you. You just weren't able to go again, so one of the nurses asked if he could use a catheter. They were hoping to get the tests done as quickly as they possible. I worried about how you would handle it, and I warned them of such. But you did amazingly well, I was so surprised and proud of you! Next thing I knew it was 8 o'clock, and it didn't seem that you were done yet, and poor Bella was at home waiting to go out. The doctor had come in to tell me that the blood that they had been trying to get from your hand just wasn't able to be checked properly because as it hit against the vial some part of it would break apart and they couldn't get an accurate read. So she asked if it would be OK to take it from your groin area with a larger needle. I didn't know how you would do with that, but I told her you did better with the catheter than I could have imagined! So I gave her permission to try. You did very well with that as well! When that was done, I rushed home to Bella to take her out before I rushed back to see if I could take you home. I have to admit I was getting a little anxious because your doctor said she would see how the tests went, and then determine whether she would keep you in the hospital. I really hoped and prayed you wouldn't have to do that. First of all this wasn't our normal hospital, then I didn't know how you would do. You get so nervous when I'm not right with you. I was getting a little emotional about that thought. Plus, you hadn't even eaten since 2. When I came back, not too long afterward the doctor came in and said that all the tests came back fine, and your doctor said you could come home. I was so thankful for that!! We went to McDonald's so we could get something to eat, then finally headed home. Definitely different than the plans I had, but it's just great to know things were good. And once again your strength and resolve amaze me!! So thankful you're OK! I love you!
Spring break had some good moments and some not so great ones. A couple of days in a row at the beginning of the week after you ate breakfast...and then again after you ate dinner, you would start to feel sick. I don't know if you were eating too much, or too fast, but you would start to act like you were going to throw up. It made me nervous each time, it was so strange! You may have done it before, but definitely not as much as you had lately. You also choked a few times when you were drinking. You just kept coughing, then you would put your head in your hands as if you were totally wiped out. Some of your meds had also run out. So with each of these different developments I decided to call the doctor so we could get an appointment. They were able to give us an appointment on Thursday. You were fine in the middle of the day. A couple of days you even wanted to go out for a ride in the car. You and Bella enjoyed hanging out in the car while I got some things done. Then Thursday came and I brought you to the doctor. I told her some of my concerns and she wanted to find out right away if there was anything serious going on. She wanted you to have blood work done a while ago, but I never got it done. It was difficult because all the locations for your bloodwork were at least half an hour away, plus you were supposed to fast before. So, those two things made for a difficult plan to get that done. So the doctor's plan was to have us go over to the emergency room at the hospital near her office so we could get many different tests done right away. Originally, because I had made the appointment at 3, I hoped we would get in there and out of there before dinner time and hoped to go visit a cool cupcake place. I was so excited because I heard some great things about this cupcake place. They have a maple bacon cupcake that I am dying to try. Well, even though we were there at three, and were out of there by a little before 4, we had to go right over to the hospital emergency room. I am not familiar with this hospital, so that was a little weird, too. I got a wheelchair and figured out where we needed to go, and got you all checked in. They got you changed into a gown, set up on a monitor and took some blood. You were cold, so they found some blankets for you. After all that they took you for a scan of some kind I think, then you came back. They tried to take some more blood, but had a hard time finding a vein to get some, but you were a trooper. I was reading a good book, so it was nice to read while we waited. They wanted to take a urine sample, but you already needed to go the the bathroom and mentioned to me that you had already gone in your Depends. You told me that twice. Not long after you told me is when they came in to get the sample. I told them you had already gone. The took the Depends off and they put a bed pan under you. You just weren't able to go again, so one of the nurses asked if he could use a catheter. They were hoping to get the tests done as quickly as they possible. I worried about how you would handle it, and I warned them of such. But you did amazingly well, I was so surprised and proud of you! Next thing I knew it was 8 o'clock, and it didn't seem that you were done yet, and poor Bella was at home waiting to go out. The doctor had come in to tell me that the blood that they had been trying to get from your hand just wasn't able to be checked properly because as it hit against the vial some part of it would break apart and they couldn't get an accurate read. So she asked if it would be OK to take it from your groin area with a larger needle. I didn't know how you would do with that, but I told her you did better with the catheter than I could have imagined! So I gave her permission to try. You did very well with that as well! When that was done, I rushed home to Bella to take her out before I rushed back to see if I could take you home. I have to admit I was getting a little anxious because your doctor said she would see how the tests went, and then determine whether she would keep you in the hospital. I really hoped and prayed you wouldn't have to do that. First of all this wasn't our normal hospital, then I didn't know how you would do. You get so nervous when I'm not right with you. I was getting a little emotional about that thought. Plus, you hadn't even eaten since 2. When I came back, not too long afterward the doctor came in and said that all the tests came back fine, and your doctor said you could come home. I was so thankful for that!! We went to McDonald's so we could get something to eat, then finally headed home. Definitely different than the plans I had, but it's just great to know things were good. And once again your strength and resolve amaze me!! So thankful you're OK! I love you!
Friday, March 23, 2012
Spring Break and a Scare
Dear Mom,
Today was my last day of school ( a half day at that!) before spring break! I have been so ready for this day to come and go! With all the busy, craziness of the past few weeks, this has been long overdue! This morning I left for work with you sitting on the edge of the bed, getting your clothes on. You hadn't gotten up and walked around yet, but it was getting later and I needed to head to school. The homemaker/companion would be coming later. So, I left you there and went to school. I think we were all tired, so it was a weird morning. I was ready to be done with the day and onto spring break. Well, the end of the day came quicker than I expected. We got through our subjects and we were just about to start our reading time, when I got a call from Keep Me Home. They said the homemaker/companion had been knocking and ringing for about a half hour, but you never came to the door. They just wanted to check and see if everything was OK. Well, that got my heart pumping and I was quite awake by that point. I didn't want to scare the kids, so I just told them they could head back to their classroom and read there and I wished them a wonderful spring break. I went to the office to let them know I was leaving, then made the trek home. It is a 25-30 min. drive that seemed to take hours today as I just tried to get home to check on you. When I finally got home, I burst into the house and there you were still sitting on the edge of the bed. You had your top on as you did when I left, but you hadn't pulled your pants all the way up and you were leaning over to the side a little bit with the walker in front of you. When I asked what was wrong, you just told me you hurt all over. I was finally able to get you up and to the bathroom, while I changed the bed. You seemed to not even realize until I got you up that the bed was so wet. I washed you up a little and got a change of clothes. When you were finally able to get up you wanted to go sit in the living room. So, I helped you in there. You kept asking me if I was going back to church. I told you I was at school and no, I wasn't going back because I couldn't leave you by yourself. Plus it was only a half day anyway. You seem to be a little better, you got up and went to the bathroom on your own a little earlier, though you had a mishap that I had to clean up. You tried to do it yourself, but didn't quite do it. I got the rest of it. Now you're relaxing in bed waiting for me to bring Bella to bed. We're coming now. I'm praying for you and we will be making a doctor visit next week, since it's my spring break. A bit of a scary way to start my spring break. I had to remind myself several times on the way home to be calm and just trust. The Lord helped me to do that, though there were some weak moments when I really did think the worst. Thankfully the Lord would bring my mind back to keeping calm and trusting. But, it is spring break, so we will have some time to spend together this week! I'm looking forward to it! I'm so glad you are OK. You had me worried there for a bit!! Praying for you! Love you!
Today was my last day of school ( a half day at that!) before spring break! I have been so ready for this day to come and go! With all the busy, craziness of the past few weeks, this has been long overdue! This morning I left for work with you sitting on the edge of the bed, getting your clothes on. You hadn't gotten up and walked around yet, but it was getting later and I needed to head to school. The homemaker/companion would be coming later. So, I left you there and went to school. I think we were all tired, so it was a weird morning. I was ready to be done with the day and onto spring break. Well, the end of the day came quicker than I expected. We got through our subjects and we were just about to start our reading time, when I got a call from Keep Me Home. They said the homemaker/companion had been knocking and ringing for about a half hour, but you never came to the door. They just wanted to check and see if everything was OK. Well, that got my heart pumping and I was quite awake by that point. I didn't want to scare the kids, so I just told them they could head back to their classroom and read there and I wished them a wonderful spring break. I went to the office to let them know I was leaving, then made the trek home. It is a 25-30 min. drive that seemed to take hours today as I just tried to get home to check on you. When I finally got home, I burst into the house and there you were still sitting on the edge of the bed. You had your top on as you did when I left, but you hadn't pulled your pants all the way up and you were leaning over to the side a little bit with the walker in front of you. When I asked what was wrong, you just told me you hurt all over. I was finally able to get you up and to the bathroom, while I changed the bed. You seemed to not even realize until I got you up that the bed was so wet. I washed you up a little and got a change of clothes. When you were finally able to get up you wanted to go sit in the living room. So, I helped you in there. You kept asking me if I was going back to church. I told you I was at school and no, I wasn't going back because I couldn't leave you by yourself. Plus it was only a half day anyway. You seem to be a little better, you got up and went to the bathroom on your own a little earlier, though you had a mishap that I had to clean up. You tried to do it yourself, but didn't quite do it. I got the rest of it. Now you're relaxing in bed waiting for me to bring Bella to bed. We're coming now. I'm praying for you and we will be making a doctor visit next week, since it's my spring break. A bit of a scary way to start my spring break. I had to remind myself several times on the way home to be calm and just trust. The Lord helped me to do that, though there were some weak moments when I really did think the worst. Thankfully the Lord would bring my mind back to keeping calm and trusting. But, it is spring break, so we will have some time to spend together this week! I'm looking forward to it! I'm so glad you are OK. You had me worried there for a bit!! Praying for you! Love you!
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