Dear Mom,
There were some interesting times this week. Tuesday night I decided to thoroughly cleaned the whole bathroom, because it just wasn't smelling as clean as I would like. I put the towels and washcloths in the hamper, cleaned the tub well, your bath chair, the walls, the towel rack, the toilet, the sink, and the mirror, then emptied the garbage can with your wet Depends. I was on a mission, had to get that stale smell out. I felt much better once I did! After working up a sweat, but getting all of that done, I was ready to go downstairs to relax. I was actually really looking forward to making some silk flower arrangements and wreaths for the Berlin Fair. My friend encouraged me to do some, I have done wreaths before and some of my art work, but since I'm not taking art anymore, those are things that I like to do. Plus, you get money if you get ribbons. As I was on my way downstairs, I hear you call me as you often do now. It gets to me a little because usually it's just to show me the scars on your arms and legs which I have seen plenty, or to show me how swollen your feet are, which I have already seen as well. This time it was much different than I expected. You told me that you had an accident, and made a mess. This was a poop accident. There was poop on your gown, your housecoat, your underwear (because you still wear underwear even though you wear Depends), your slippers, the toilet seat and all over your bottom. I wasn't sure I knew how to handle that, but somehow I did. I took your housecoat and robe off, got the socks, and then the underwear that you had put in the sink to try to rinse them out. I put all of those things in the hamper. I brought them downstairs and put them in the washer. I went back to check on you, you were still sitting on the toilet. I asked you if you wanted to take another bath and you said yes. I ran the bath water, as you got up you noticed the seat was a mess, so I gave you two washcloths, one for the toilet seat, the other for your bath. You used the one to clean off the toilet seat somewhat, then got into the tub on your seat. I told you to make sure to clean your bottom because there was still some on your bottom. I brought the other washcloth down to put in the laundry. After you said you were done with your bath, I came in and checked on you and brought you new pj's to put on. I noticed that you still had poop on your bottom, so I got the washcloth and finished cleaning you. Never thought I would have been able to do that, you know how I am. I know some people do it all the time and that was hardly anything compared to what they go through. But you know what you always told me, "You're too nice nasty!" Meaning I didn't do well with cleaning things that I thought were gross. You also always used to, and still do tell me, you hope you don't get sick, because I wouldn't take care of you. Well, look what I did! :) I felt proud of myself realizing that when it comes down to it, I think I would do what I needed to do to take care of you. I was proud that I never made you feel bad, you didn't even mention anything about a nursing home and being too much work for me. We just got through it and made it! But there I was cleaning the whole bathroom all over again, this time the rugs and the floor too, since some of the poop got on those, too. So, the bathroom got an extra cleaning on Tuesday!
Then Wednesday, I'm sure you didn't have any memory of the mess the night before, and of course I wasn't going to bring it up. I got your breakfast ready and got your medicine for you, and was getting ready for school. I had finally been able to get your new meds, Naproxen and your water pill, so those were there for you to take. I walked out the door for school, and said goodbye to you and Bella. I got to school and had a wonderful opportunity to share some of the tough things I was dealing with with a great friend. It was a tough morning. I talked to her for a while and she was wonderful with me, such an encouragement. I talked to her until my third graders came into my room for their few classes with me. As we were getting ready to do Arithmetic I think, my phone started vibrating and I noticed it was you. I was a little shocked and almost didn't answer it right away because sometimes you just call to tell me that someone called and it's usually just about a bill or something. I did answer and got a little freaked because you didn't sound good. You told me you weren't feeling well, your head felt weird and you felt like you were going to pass out. I told the kids to get their things together to go back to their class because I needed to go home and check on my mom. I gave them their work that they needed to do, went to the secretary to tell her I was leaving and to try to let her know what different places I was supposed to be in the rest of the day so she could let the other teachers, etc. know. She told me to just come on home and she would figure out who to tell. I came home, I was quite nervous. You were in bed, and seemed pretty tired. You said you were feeling a little better. I went to get you some water to drink, came back and you were pretty knocked out. I kept trying to get you to drink. I called your doctor to see if it could be the new meds, but the office was closed. My wonderful friend from that morning was texting with me and suggested that I call the pharmacist. I did and felt so much better as she told me, the water pill can give you vertigo-like symptoms. That made sense to me. So, I just stayed home with you the rest of the day, texting the many people who were checking on how we were doing. Once again, I had to do what I had to do, even leaving school early to get home to you. It's always worth taking care of you! You are definitely much better now. Now if I could only get you moving more, but that's a goal for another time. I love you!
Friday, September 30, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Through the Tough Times
Dear Mom,
I am really struggling right now...with loneliness, sadness, discouragement, and probably even some depression. You have been struggling lately, too...not wanting to do much, not wanting to go to church, not wanting to get out of the house, and not really wanting to get out of the bed. You are comfortable lying there watching your TV shows, I Love Lucy, Little House on the Prairie, The Talk, Dr. Oz, and others. That's where you spend most of your time and you seem most comfortable and happy there. This is hard for me to see. You can barely walk because your left hip is very weak, and your sciatic nerve in your left leg is bothering you so much. I have been running ragged to take you to physical therapy appointments twice a week. They have either been early in the morning before school or right after school, so it feels that either way I have been rushing a bit. You haven't been complaining as much about the spots on you...not as much as you had been. Now the big thing is that your feet and ankles have been very swollen. So you call me into the bathroom or your room or the living room to show me your swollen feet and ankles. I tell you that you need to move more, get more circulation flowing in the legs, but I know because you are hurting that is hard. I try to get you to do the exercises that the physical therapist showed me to do with you, but you often claim that you are too tired to do more than a couple of them at a time. I feel like you're giving up on me. It's breaking my heart. It's hard for me, because I am going through some of my own things and the place that would normally be my place of reprieve and solace has no longer been that. Partly for my own reasons, but also because people are so busy. So these struggles and frustrations and the sadness I feel go unmentioned because lately I have been feeling as if I have been complaining too much to people about some of the things I'm struggling with and it seems that they are getting tired of hearing me. So my natural tendency is to close myself off. I have to hide my true feelings and hurts at the place that used to be my place of solace, and I have to hide my hurts and feelings from you at home. Don't worry, mom, I have been going to the Lord for help through these things, but I can't help still feeling a little lonely. I have been a little short with you lately because I think I am just hurting and exhausted, and things just seem to keep getting crazier and crazier! Trust me, I'm not mad at you, just frustrated that it seems like you are giving in to depression and pain. And I guess part of the reason that frustrates me is because sometimes I would like to do that too, but I know I can't. So, I feel like I'm trying to hold on for both of us and many people can't seem to understand that. So, it's been hard lately, but I'm going to keep going and keep fighting for you, because I love you too much to let you go and give in to these things. I pray for you, I care about you, I need you, I miss you, and most of all...I LOVE YOU!!
I am really struggling right now...with loneliness, sadness, discouragement, and probably even some depression. You have been struggling lately, too...not wanting to do much, not wanting to go to church, not wanting to get out of the house, and not really wanting to get out of the bed. You are comfortable lying there watching your TV shows, I Love Lucy, Little House on the Prairie, The Talk, Dr. Oz, and others. That's where you spend most of your time and you seem most comfortable and happy there. This is hard for me to see. You can barely walk because your left hip is very weak, and your sciatic nerve in your left leg is bothering you so much. I have been running ragged to take you to physical therapy appointments twice a week. They have either been early in the morning before school or right after school, so it feels that either way I have been rushing a bit. You haven't been complaining as much about the spots on you...not as much as you had been. Now the big thing is that your feet and ankles have been very swollen. So you call me into the bathroom or your room or the living room to show me your swollen feet and ankles. I tell you that you need to move more, get more circulation flowing in the legs, but I know because you are hurting that is hard. I try to get you to do the exercises that the physical therapist showed me to do with you, but you often claim that you are too tired to do more than a couple of them at a time. I feel like you're giving up on me. It's breaking my heart. It's hard for me, because I am going through some of my own things and the place that would normally be my place of reprieve and solace has no longer been that. Partly for my own reasons, but also because people are so busy. So these struggles and frustrations and the sadness I feel go unmentioned because lately I have been feeling as if I have been complaining too much to people about some of the things I'm struggling with and it seems that they are getting tired of hearing me. So my natural tendency is to close myself off. I have to hide my true feelings and hurts at the place that used to be my place of solace, and I have to hide my hurts and feelings from you at home. Don't worry, mom, I have been going to the Lord for help through these things, but I can't help still feeling a little lonely. I have been a little short with you lately because I think I am just hurting and exhausted, and things just seem to keep getting crazier and crazier! Trust me, I'm not mad at you, just frustrated that it seems like you are giving in to depression and pain. And I guess part of the reason that frustrates me is because sometimes I would like to do that too, but I know I can't. So, I feel like I'm trying to hold on for both of us and many people can't seem to understand that. So, it's been hard lately, but I'm going to keep going and keep fighting for you, because I love you too much to let you go and give in to these things. I pray for you, I care about you, I need you, I miss you, and most of all...I LOVE YOU!!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
What a week!
Dear Mom,
What a week it's been! It started out with a holiday on Monday. Usually we are heading over to Uncle John and Aunt Bertsie's on Monday. They weren't going to do a Labor Day picnic this year, because it is too much work for them as they are getting older. I'm glad they didn't put all of that on themselves, but boy, oh boy, did I miss not getting together with family and friends on the last holiday of the summer. We've been doing that for so many years now. I also hated not having you get out of the house. I did get out of the house,I was invited to a party. Three of my former students (siblings) were celebrating their birthdays together. I went over there for a few hours. It was a nice time of fellowship and good food. There was some amazing barbecue guys that had brisket, ribs, and chicken. I had the brisket and ribs, but was too full for the chicken sadly. I heard that was really good, too. I got home and made sure you had your dinner. Tuesday was back to work, but the thing that made it better was the fact that that night some friends and I were going to see the play Wicked!!!!! I got two tickets when a friend ordered them a few months ago, because I know you like doing that sometimes. The only thing is I wasn't sure if you would actually be up for it by the time it actually came around. Well, you haven't been up for much lately because your legs are bothering you so much. I knew it would be too much to try to have you go. But...then what was I going to do with that other ticket that I already paid for? I didn't mind asking someone, I just needed to find someone who would understand that they may not be able to go if you decided that you wanted to. Just a week or so ago I was talking to my friend Angie and asked her what she thought, and she said she would love to go, but would understand if you ended up going. I didn't even bother to mention it to you again, because you have been in lots of pain, the past couple of weeks. So, Tuesday I told you I would be going out with friends and would be back later. I went and had a wonderful time. That play was absolutely amazing!!!!! It was so incredible, I cried when it was over!! If you were the old you, I think you would have really loved it too, but I think it would have been too loud for you now and you probably would have been a little bit afraid at some parts. Lately, it hasn't taken much to in a sense "frighten" you. We watch kid's movies and you are bothered by the villain characters. I hated that we couldn't go together, but I'm thankful that the ticket was used and you and Bella were just fine. I was able recently to get you an appointment with a physical therapist, so hopefully you will start getting around better. Then hopefully we can go to something else together soon.
Well, Wednesday morning brought about something I never would have imagined would keep me from leaving for work on time. You were up and said you were looking for your wig. You always keep it on a styrofoam head by the closet. It wasn't there, it wasn't on either side of your bed, it wasn't under your covers or under your pillow. It wasn't in the bathroom anywhere. It wasn't in the living room anywhere. It wasn't in the kitchen, I actually even looked in the refrigerator, just to be sure. I think I even looked in the oven. I looked on all the kitchen chairs, everywhere I could think of that you go and did not see it anywhere. Finally, the Lord gave me the idea to check the front hall closet and to check the shelf on top. I found it in one of pappy's hats...thankfully!! That definitely made for an interesting morning. Little did I know that wasn't the half of it. I get to school, teach the couple of classes I do, then went to get some appointments for you. As I was getting one of the appointments made, the fire alarm goes off. It scared me to death, I was almost done with scheduling the appointment and didn't know what to do, so I just finished quickly. I quickly turned the lights off and went to the office, got my umbrella and wasn't sure what else to do, but went outside. Glenda had the keys to her car so we waited in there rather than waiting in the rain. Only then did I realize this was a strange fire drill. The poor kids were all standing in the rain. Even though we try to do different drills on different days, this was a little much with so much rain. When we got in Glenda's car she told me that there was a small chemical spill in the Chemistry lab closet. The fire marshall was called and had us evacuate the building until it could be determined how bad the spill was. About 5 or 6 fire trucks came and some police. The place looked quite interesting! And it was about time for the K-4/K-5 students to be picked up...poor parents. By that time the kids were told that they could wait in the gym until the DEP came to check out the spill. So K-4 - 12th grade were all in the gym together...wow. We just stayed in the car until we were told it was safe to come back into the building...interesting day!! To say the least...
Thursday morning presented another couple of challenges. I got up to take Bella out, it was pouring rain. We only went out for a couple of minutes because the rain was coming down so hard. Bella and I got back into the house and you mentioned that your bed was soaking wet. So, I had to change your bed. I took off the wet sheets, cleaned the pad that's under the sheets, put the new sheets on, then went to bring the wet sheets and pajamas down to the laundry. Then I decided to check the carpet to see if it was wet, and it was. I checked in the little side room and it was very wet in there. So I got the blankets and rugs that I had just finished taking up from in front of that door and washing, and put them back down on the floor. I wasn't able to empty the dehumidifier because I didn't have time. I made your breakfast and made sure you were set with your meds, and then went off to work. Of course by that time I was quite worn out. Made it there and made it through the day, and the sun even came out for a minute or two, after about 4 days in a row of clouds and rain. We were able to get you to the dermatologist to see about the rash, he thinks it's just you scratching, kind of a behavioral thing really. He did give us a couple of medications for you. We'll see how this works. Definitely an interesting week. We made it though! Hope to have many more weeks...maybe a little calmer... together. Love you!
What a week it's been! It started out with a holiday on Monday. Usually we are heading over to Uncle John and Aunt Bertsie's on Monday. They weren't going to do a Labor Day picnic this year, because it is too much work for them as they are getting older. I'm glad they didn't put all of that on themselves, but boy, oh boy, did I miss not getting together with family and friends on the last holiday of the summer. We've been doing that for so many years now. I also hated not having you get out of the house. I did get out of the house,I was invited to a party. Three of my former students (siblings) were celebrating their birthdays together. I went over there for a few hours. It was a nice time of fellowship and good food. There was some amazing barbecue guys that had brisket, ribs, and chicken. I had the brisket and ribs, but was too full for the chicken sadly. I heard that was really good, too. I got home and made sure you had your dinner. Tuesday was back to work, but the thing that made it better was the fact that that night some friends and I were going to see the play Wicked!!!!! I got two tickets when a friend ordered them a few months ago, because I know you like doing that sometimes. The only thing is I wasn't sure if you would actually be up for it by the time it actually came around. Well, you haven't been up for much lately because your legs are bothering you so much. I knew it would be too much to try to have you go. But...then what was I going to do with that other ticket that I already paid for? I didn't mind asking someone, I just needed to find someone who would understand that they may not be able to go if you decided that you wanted to. Just a week or so ago I was talking to my friend Angie and asked her what she thought, and she said she would love to go, but would understand if you ended up going. I didn't even bother to mention it to you again, because you have been in lots of pain, the past couple of weeks. So, Tuesday I told you I would be going out with friends and would be back later. I went and had a wonderful time. That play was absolutely amazing!!!!! It was so incredible, I cried when it was over!! If you were the old you, I think you would have really loved it too, but I think it would have been too loud for you now and you probably would have been a little bit afraid at some parts. Lately, it hasn't taken much to in a sense "frighten" you. We watch kid's movies and you are bothered by the villain characters. I hated that we couldn't go together, but I'm thankful that the ticket was used and you and Bella were just fine. I was able recently to get you an appointment with a physical therapist, so hopefully you will start getting around better. Then hopefully we can go to something else together soon.
Well, Wednesday morning brought about something I never would have imagined would keep me from leaving for work on time. You were up and said you were looking for your wig. You always keep it on a styrofoam head by the closet. It wasn't there, it wasn't on either side of your bed, it wasn't under your covers or under your pillow. It wasn't in the bathroom anywhere. It wasn't in the living room anywhere. It wasn't in the kitchen, I actually even looked in the refrigerator, just to be sure. I think I even looked in the oven. I looked on all the kitchen chairs, everywhere I could think of that you go and did not see it anywhere. Finally, the Lord gave me the idea to check the front hall closet and to check the shelf on top. I found it in one of pappy's hats...thankfully!! That definitely made for an interesting morning. Little did I know that wasn't the half of it. I get to school, teach the couple of classes I do, then went to get some appointments for you. As I was getting one of the appointments made, the fire alarm goes off. It scared me to death, I was almost done with scheduling the appointment and didn't know what to do, so I just finished quickly. I quickly turned the lights off and went to the office, got my umbrella and wasn't sure what else to do, but went outside. Glenda had the keys to her car so we waited in there rather than waiting in the rain. Only then did I realize this was a strange fire drill. The poor kids were all standing in the rain. Even though we try to do different drills on different days, this was a little much with so much rain. When we got in Glenda's car she told me that there was a small chemical spill in the Chemistry lab closet. The fire marshall was called and had us evacuate the building until it could be determined how bad the spill was. About 5 or 6 fire trucks came and some police. The place looked quite interesting! And it was about time for the K-4/K-5 students to be picked up...poor parents. By that time the kids were told that they could wait in the gym until the DEP came to check out the spill. So K-4 - 12th grade were all in the gym together...wow. We just stayed in the car until we were told it was safe to come back into the building...interesting day!! To say the least...
Thursday morning presented another couple of challenges. I got up to take Bella out, it was pouring rain. We only went out for a couple of minutes because the rain was coming down so hard. Bella and I got back into the house and you mentioned that your bed was soaking wet. So, I had to change your bed. I took off the wet sheets, cleaned the pad that's under the sheets, put the new sheets on, then went to bring the wet sheets and pajamas down to the laundry. Then I decided to check the carpet to see if it was wet, and it was. I checked in the little side room and it was very wet in there. So I got the blankets and rugs that I had just finished taking up from in front of that door and washing, and put them back down on the floor. I wasn't able to empty the dehumidifier because I didn't have time. I made your breakfast and made sure you were set with your meds, and then went off to work. Of course by that time I was quite worn out. Made it there and made it through the day, and the sun even came out for a minute or two, after about 4 days in a row of clouds and rain. We were able to get you to the dermatologist to see about the rash, he thinks it's just you scratching, kind of a behavioral thing really. He did give us a couple of medications for you. We'll see how this works. Definitely an interesting week. We made it though! Hope to have many more weeks...maybe a little calmer... together. Love you!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
So much to tell
Dear Mom,
It has been a while since I have written. I'm sorry that it has been so long. So much has happened since I last wrote to you. One of the reasons I think I haven't written is because I have been struggling with some things so much and it has been hard for me to write anything. I only wrote two posts on my other blog, I think. I don't even know if I can put everything into one post. I don't want it to be forever long. So maybe I will make up for not writing by doing a couple of posts. Summer is over for me now. School started Monday, I wasn't that excited about starting. First of all, I didn't feel like we had much of a summer. I didn't do much with you this summer and that has really bothered me. Last summer we did so much, and made so many memories, at least on my end. This summer, you were much less mobile and couldn't get around well. So that made it difficult. You also got a weird rash that has produced open sores on your arms and legs. That has affected you, you cry many mornings because of it. You keep wondering what is wrong with you and why you have it. I have been trying to help get rid of the marks that are on your arms. You mention it to everyone and you mention it over and over. People have actually called and asked me about this rash that they keep hearing about. I tell them, that I have taken you to the doctor for it, and you have medication for it and it is much better than it was. I got some Mederma, for goodness sake, and the stupid stuff cost about $32 for a tube of it. I'm not talking about a honking, big tube either. Ugh! Between the stuff the doctor gave you, the Mederma, and some cocoa butter, I have lathered you up plenty! It looks better to me, but you can't see that yet. A few weeks ago my friend and her mother came down from New Hampshire and wanted to just be here to help us as much as they could. My friend cleaned...and I mean cleaned our refrigerator. Her mom hemmed and stitched up our clothes. She also gave me papers and booklets to help me as I try to help take care of you the right way. These told how to prepare to be a good caregiver. They even brought us a nice chicken caesar salad lunch, with all the fixin's...onions, grated carrots, grated cheese, and croutons. It was such a nice day, with great fellowship! You really enjoyed their company too, which made it really nice! You did say something that was pretty strange, you told them you had three kids, when I asked you who they were, you said Junie, Johnny, and me. I told you Junie and Johnny were your brothers. You just kinda said, "Oh", then let it go. That was a little sad.
It helped so much that they were there to help me through that. I don't think it was as big a deal to me because they were there. So thankful for the break from the monotony, and for you to be engaged more than I have seen you be before. So thankful for a great day.
There was so much more that I was going to tell, but it's been a little bit since I started writing this post, so now I can't really remember, oh well. :)
It has been a while since I have written. I'm sorry that it has been so long. So much has happened since I last wrote to you. One of the reasons I think I haven't written is because I have been struggling with some things so much and it has been hard for me to write anything. I only wrote two posts on my other blog, I think. I don't even know if I can put everything into one post. I don't want it to be forever long. So maybe I will make up for not writing by doing a couple of posts. Summer is over for me now. School started Monday, I wasn't that excited about starting. First of all, I didn't feel like we had much of a summer. I didn't do much with you this summer and that has really bothered me. Last summer we did so much, and made so many memories, at least on my end. This summer, you were much less mobile and couldn't get around well. So that made it difficult. You also got a weird rash that has produced open sores on your arms and legs. That has affected you, you cry many mornings because of it. You keep wondering what is wrong with you and why you have it. I have been trying to help get rid of the marks that are on your arms. You mention it to everyone and you mention it over and over. People have actually called and asked me about this rash that they keep hearing about. I tell them, that I have taken you to the doctor for it, and you have medication for it and it is much better than it was. I got some Mederma, for goodness sake, and the stupid stuff cost about $32 for a tube of it. I'm not talking about a honking, big tube either. Ugh! Between the stuff the doctor gave you, the Mederma, and some cocoa butter, I have lathered you up plenty! It looks better to me, but you can't see that yet. A few weeks ago my friend and her mother came down from New Hampshire and wanted to just be here to help us as much as they could. My friend cleaned...and I mean cleaned our refrigerator. Her mom hemmed and stitched up our clothes. She also gave me papers and booklets to help me as I try to help take care of you the right way. These told how to prepare to be a good caregiver. They even brought us a nice chicken caesar salad lunch, with all the fixin's...onions, grated carrots, grated cheese, and croutons. It was such a nice day, with great fellowship! You really enjoyed their company too, which made it really nice! You did say something that was pretty strange, you told them you had three kids, when I asked you who they were, you said Junie, Johnny, and me. I told you Junie and Johnny were your brothers. You just kinda said, "Oh", then let it go. That was a little sad.
It helped so much that they were there to help me through that. I don't think it was as big a deal to me because they were there. So thankful for the break from the monotony, and for you to be engaged more than I have seen you be before. So thankful for a great day.
There was so much more that I was going to tell, but it's been a little bit since I started writing this post, so now I can't really remember, oh well. :)
Monday, August 15, 2011
Needing you...
Dear Mom,
I have really been needing you lately. I have needed a shoulder to cry on, and someone to talk to. I miss that part of our relationship. I miss your godly wisdom and advice. I miss your prayers for me. It has also been tough because I need you to not give up. You haven't been to church in a little while. You always say you hurt all over, so you call the neighbor and tell her that you are not going to church. Then you lay in bed and watch TV all day. I'm so afraid that you are just going to end up having to stay in bed and then I don't know how I'll be able to take care of you. I am trying as hard as possible to keep you going. I need you to try too. You have been so upset lately because your arms have scars on them from some type of rash that you had. The rash is better, but getting those little brown spots to go away is much harder. I have been feeling guilty because I need to call a dermatologist, but haven't yet. I did buy Mederma for you, to try to help you feel better and to see if it works, but it is ridiculously expensive! I hate that. You pretty much get up every morning now and tell me how awful or ugly you look. That hurts me, because I'm trying to make you feel better, but you have marks on your arms, face, and legs. I have tried to take care of it for you, but I feel like I keep failing you. It's hard because I know that your mind is struggling, and to hear how upset you get almost everyday, sitting on the edge of the bed, many times in tears, kills me. I wish there was more I could do. And I guess there is more, but I'm just not quite sure which way to go, and have been reluctant, so I feel bad. With you feeling this way and me needing someone to help me so badly, it has just been very tough. Now orientation started for school, and that has been difficult to have to leave you, realizing my summer is over even though I am not ready for that. I want to get away, I'm tired, I need to get things accomplished, I hate leaving you and Bella, but unfortunately it's that time again. I hope you'll be ok, but I just have to trust that you will be. I love you and will miss you during the day.
I have really been needing you lately. I have needed a shoulder to cry on, and someone to talk to. I miss that part of our relationship. I miss your godly wisdom and advice. I miss your prayers for me. It has also been tough because I need you to not give up. You haven't been to church in a little while. You always say you hurt all over, so you call the neighbor and tell her that you are not going to church. Then you lay in bed and watch TV all day. I'm so afraid that you are just going to end up having to stay in bed and then I don't know how I'll be able to take care of you. I am trying as hard as possible to keep you going. I need you to try too. You have been so upset lately because your arms have scars on them from some type of rash that you had. The rash is better, but getting those little brown spots to go away is much harder. I have been feeling guilty because I need to call a dermatologist, but haven't yet. I did buy Mederma for you, to try to help you feel better and to see if it works, but it is ridiculously expensive! I hate that. You pretty much get up every morning now and tell me how awful or ugly you look. That hurts me, because I'm trying to make you feel better, but you have marks on your arms, face, and legs. I have tried to take care of it for you, but I feel like I keep failing you. It's hard because I know that your mind is struggling, and to hear how upset you get almost everyday, sitting on the edge of the bed, many times in tears, kills me. I wish there was more I could do. And I guess there is more, but I'm just not quite sure which way to go, and have been reluctant, so I feel bad. With you feeling this way and me needing someone to help me so badly, it has just been very tough. Now orientation started for school, and that has been difficult to have to leave you, realizing my summer is over even though I am not ready for that. I want to get away, I'm tired, I need to get things accomplished, I hate leaving you and Bella, but unfortunately it's that time again. I hope you'll be ok, but I just have to trust that you will be. I love you and will miss you during the day.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Makes me wonder
Dear Mom,
Sometimes I wonder what really goes on in your mind. How does this disease make you forget what we just talked about a minute ago? How do you not recognize people you have known for years? Will there ever be a cure for this awful disease? Is there anything more I can do for you besides pray and try to support the Alzheimers Association? What if pappy were still here, would this even be an issue for you? And would I find it easier to care for you if he were at least here to help? I thought it was hard losing pappy to leukemia and diabetes, but it is much harder losing you to this disease! Are thoughts there, but just so clouded that you can't let them out? What if you read more or did puzzles more, would that have helped keep this away, or at least slowed it down some? What if the doctor had only listened to me a couple of years ago when I started noticing this? What if she hadn't just said that you were just depressed and needed to get out more? What if she hadn't just felt content that I had gotten a dog for us and that was great? What if she had listened the 2 or 3 times I asked her for an assessment? Would having the medicine earlier have had a chance to work better to slow things down? Those thoughts have bothered me so much! Thankfully a friend from church referred us to the doctor we are going to now, and so thankful for that doctor referring us to UCONN. Do you realize some of the things you say? Do you realize you're off when you say them or is it just too much for your mind to even comprehend? It's funny, because sometimes when we are in the car and I am listening to a message, you can almost quote the verses they are saying by heart still. Yet you don't remember who just called on the phone or what they wanted right after you get off of it. Then this morning at breakfast you for some reason I don't remember said that you had three children! That really shocked me to hear you say that! So I had to press a little bit to see who the other two were. You said you had Junie, Johnny, and me. Junie and Johnny are your brothers! So where did that thought come from? Afterwards, I said something like no, those are your brothers, you didn't have them. You didn't really say anything and just kept eating your breakfast and turned to look at the TV. I watched your face to see if what I said made sense to you, but I couldn't really tell if you got it or not. Yesterday you were in the living room waiting for your ride to pick you up for church, you had been sitting in there for at least an hour if not longer. Your breakfast dish was still on the table with your medicine under it. I asked you what you ate for breakfast, and you told me cereal. I asked how you could have if the bowl and medicine were still there on the table. You said you set that back up for tomorrow after you had already eaten. When I went to wash my bowl the washcloths were bone dry, which means you never washed a bowl, so you couldn't have eaten breakfast or taken your medicine which you need to take every day. How does your mind convince you that you already ate when you definitely didn't? What do I do about that? By that time it was too late to do anything because your ride was going to be here to pick you up. So you just had to take your medicine for lunch. How do you remember that you met someone at church who knows me, and can remember to tell me, not the name of course, but a slight description? How do you remember that about an hour or so after it happened, but don't remember the short term things I just told you? I wonder what's in store for us next? I wonder, but try not to, if you're going to get to the point where you will not remember me soon. I really hope not, but I pray God will give me the grace to cross that bridge if we ever come to it. For now, I'm thankful for the bits of memory that you do have, and I'll just try to keep utilizing that! Mom, I love you, crazy mind and all!
Sometimes I wonder what really goes on in your mind. How does this disease make you forget what we just talked about a minute ago? How do you not recognize people you have known for years? Will there ever be a cure for this awful disease? Is there anything more I can do for you besides pray and try to support the Alzheimers Association? What if pappy were still here, would this even be an issue for you? And would I find it easier to care for you if he were at least here to help? I thought it was hard losing pappy to leukemia and diabetes, but it is much harder losing you to this disease! Are thoughts there, but just so clouded that you can't let them out? What if you read more or did puzzles more, would that have helped keep this away, or at least slowed it down some? What if the doctor had only listened to me a couple of years ago when I started noticing this? What if she hadn't just said that you were just depressed and needed to get out more? What if she hadn't just felt content that I had gotten a dog for us and that was great? What if she had listened the 2 or 3 times I asked her for an assessment? Would having the medicine earlier have had a chance to work better to slow things down? Those thoughts have bothered me so much! Thankfully a friend from church referred us to the doctor we are going to now, and so thankful for that doctor referring us to UCONN. Do you realize some of the things you say? Do you realize you're off when you say them or is it just too much for your mind to even comprehend? It's funny, because sometimes when we are in the car and I am listening to a message, you can almost quote the verses they are saying by heart still. Yet you don't remember who just called on the phone or what they wanted right after you get off of it. Then this morning at breakfast you for some reason I don't remember said that you had three children! That really shocked me to hear you say that! So I had to press a little bit to see who the other two were. You said you had Junie, Johnny, and me. Junie and Johnny are your brothers! So where did that thought come from? Afterwards, I said something like no, those are your brothers, you didn't have them. You didn't really say anything and just kept eating your breakfast and turned to look at the TV. I watched your face to see if what I said made sense to you, but I couldn't really tell if you got it or not. Yesterday you were in the living room waiting for your ride to pick you up for church, you had been sitting in there for at least an hour if not longer. Your breakfast dish was still on the table with your medicine under it. I asked you what you ate for breakfast, and you told me cereal. I asked how you could have if the bowl and medicine were still there on the table. You said you set that back up for tomorrow after you had already eaten. When I went to wash my bowl the washcloths were bone dry, which means you never washed a bowl, so you couldn't have eaten breakfast or taken your medicine which you need to take every day. How does your mind convince you that you already ate when you definitely didn't? What do I do about that? By that time it was too late to do anything because your ride was going to be here to pick you up. So you just had to take your medicine for lunch. How do you remember that you met someone at church who knows me, and can remember to tell me, not the name of course, but a slight description? How do you remember that about an hour or so after it happened, but don't remember the short term things I just told you? I wonder what's in store for us next? I wonder, but try not to, if you're going to get to the point where you will not remember me soon. I really hope not, but I pray God will give me the grace to cross that bridge if we ever come to it. For now, I'm thankful for the bits of memory that you do have, and I'll just try to keep utilizing that! Mom, I love you, crazy mind and all!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Wish you were here
Dear Mom,
This has been a tough week for me. I have really been struggling. There are some big changes going on, but I can't share them with you. Wish you were here, I know you still are here, but wish you were here in the way that I need you! Someone to talk to and pray with and get good godly advice from. I really miss that!! There has been talk going around, there have been people that have been insensitive to me. Sometimes I think people just don't really get what it is to be a caregiver! Sadly, though, people are trying to use that excuse to make some of the changes I am dealing with better. They are saying that the change will be good for me because of you. It doesn't make sense to me, though, how they think it will be so much better for me. Some of these people don't even ask me about you. So, they wouldn't begin to know what would or would not help me. I have been angry, I have been discouraged, I have been so extremely sad, I have been worried. I just wish I could share some of this with you. I haven't even told you of the change because you would be confused, and would keep asking me about it. It's just a small change to my job description, but it's not something I really want or desire to do. And again, people have been talking to other people telling them that this was what I wanted, and that it has worked out so well. That has bothered me too, because people don't realize I am having a hard time with it, so they just go on, not seeing that I am hurting because of it. It works for others, just not for me the way I would like. I know it will be fine and I will be ok, but I really want to share this with you. Thankfully there are a couple of people I have felt comfortable sharing most of this struggle with. But there's nothing like a mother's comfort and a mother's prayers and a mother's advice. So, I will just have to make do with sharing this with others. I wish I could tell you to pray for me about this. Thankfully I do have others praying about it with me.
Then, it has been so hot this week. But you, you don't get hot easily, and you keep putting that jacket on. I have finally gotten you to put a short sleeve shirt on rather than the turtleneck dickie. So yesterday, you had your shirt and jacket on and came out to breakfast. The air was on in the living room, and the ceiling fan in the kitchen was on low, so of course you were complaining of being cold. I told you not to think about it because you just thought you were cold because you live in those long sleeves. Yesterday and today were some of the hottest days of the year. The temperatures were in the upper 90's with heat indexes in the 100's. Today was about 103 and the heat index was about 108 or so. But, yesterday when you complained, I just turned the kitchen fan off, so you wouldn't complain anymore. Well, after breakfast you complained, but in a different way. This time you said you were feeling so hot. I had gotten up and was bringing the dishes to the sink to wash them. I looked at you and you didn't look good at all. I went over to you to try to get that dumb (that's what I started feeling at that time) jacket off of you. I was so upset about that jacket and more upset because I couldn't get your arms out of it and you weren't helping. At one point you slumped forward and your eyes rolled back in your head and your bottom lip distended and you were drooling a little. I shook and tapped your face a little a few times and you came back to. I kept trying to get the jacket off of you. You were wet with sweat. You came to, but then started dry heaving. You never did get sick, but you sat there for a while just not looking good. I turned the fan back on. After a little while you wanted to go to the bathroom, I took you and got you back to your room after. I wasn't as scared about you passing out because this was about the third or fourth time. I don't think you realize how much you have on and how hot you really are, and then get overheated and go down on me. It's so frustrating because even though I'm used to it, it still does scare me. The social worker stopped by yesterday, too. She noticed that you didn't look that great. I didn't call the doctor yet. One of the last times you passed out, you were in the hospital for a week, hating it, and they didn't find anything. So, I will call and check with the doctor next week. Today you were much better. You were getting around better and were more alert. Of course you don't even have a clue of remembering passing out yesterday. Thankful that you are better today, and praying this won't happen again. I even felt OK about leaving you for a few hours so I could go to lunch and shopping with some friends. The homemaker/companion was there when I left and she still had about an hour with you, so that helped me be able to go out for a little bit and I had a great time. I even brought you back a couple of things. You always ask what I brought you if I go out. I got you some root beer (your favorite) and some candy. You told me how wonderful of a daughter I was, and told me how much you loved me. Well, I'm glad you liked what I brought for you, I love you so much too. Just...wish you were here....
This has been a tough week for me. I have really been struggling. There are some big changes going on, but I can't share them with you. Wish you were here, I know you still are here, but wish you were here in the way that I need you! Someone to talk to and pray with and get good godly advice from. I really miss that!! There has been talk going around, there have been people that have been insensitive to me. Sometimes I think people just don't really get what it is to be a caregiver! Sadly, though, people are trying to use that excuse to make some of the changes I am dealing with better. They are saying that the change will be good for me because of you. It doesn't make sense to me, though, how they think it will be so much better for me. Some of these people don't even ask me about you. So, they wouldn't begin to know what would or would not help me. I have been angry, I have been discouraged, I have been so extremely sad, I have been worried. I just wish I could share some of this with you. I haven't even told you of the change because you would be confused, and would keep asking me about it. It's just a small change to my job description, but it's not something I really want or desire to do. And again, people have been talking to other people telling them that this was what I wanted, and that it has worked out so well. That has bothered me too, because people don't realize I am having a hard time with it, so they just go on, not seeing that I am hurting because of it. It works for others, just not for me the way I would like. I know it will be fine and I will be ok, but I really want to share this with you. Thankfully there are a couple of people I have felt comfortable sharing most of this struggle with. But there's nothing like a mother's comfort and a mother's prayers and a mother's advice. So, I will just have to make do with sharing this with others. I wish I could tell you to pray for me about this. Thankfully I do have others praying about it with me.
Then, it has been so hot this week. But you, you don't get hot easily, and you keep putting that jacket on. I have finally gotten you to put a short sleeve shirt on rather than the turtleneck dickie. So yesterday, you had your shirt and jacket on and came out to breakfast. The air was on in the living room, and the ceiling fan in the kitchen was on low, so of course you were complaining of being cold. I told you not to think about it because you just thought you were cold because you live in those long sleeves. Yesterday and today were some of the hottest days of the year. The temperatures were in the upper 90's with heat indexes in the 100's. Today was about 103 and the heat index was about 108 or so. But, yesterday when you complained, I just turned the kitchen fan off, so you wouldn't complain anymore. Well, after breakfast you complained, but in a different way. This time you said you were feeling so hot. I had gotten up and was bringing the dishes to the sink to wash them. I looked at you and you didn't look good at all. I went over to you to try to get that dumb (that's what I started feeling at that time) jacket off of you. I was so upset about that jacket and more upset because I couldn't get your arms out of it and you weren't helping. At one point you slumped forward and your eyes rolled back in your head and your bottom lip distended and you were drooling a little. I shook and tapped your face a little a few times and you came back to. I kept trying to get the jacket off of you. You were wet with sweat. You came to, but then started dry heaving. You never did get sick, but you sat there for a while just not looking good. I turned the fan back on. After a little while you wanted to go to the bathroom, I took you and got you back to your room after. I wasn't as scared about you passing out because this was about the third or fourth time. I don't think you realize how much you have on and how hot you really are, and then get overheated and go down on me. It's so frustrating because even though I'm used to it, it still does scare me. The social worker stopped by yesterday, too. She noticed that you didn't look that great. I didn't call the doctor yet. One of the last times you passed out, you were in the hospital for a week, hating it, and they didn't find anything. So, I will call and check with the doctor next week. Today you were much better. You were getting around better and were more alert. Of course you don't even have a clue of remembering passing out yesterday. Thankful that you are better today, and praying this won't happen again. I even felt OK about leaving you for a few hours so I could go to lunch and shopping with some friends. The homemaker/companion was there when I left and she still had about an hour with you, so that helped me be able to go out for a little bit and I had a great time. I even brought you back a couple of things. You always ask what I brought you if I go out. I got you some root beer (your favorite) and some candy. You told me how wonderful of a daughter I was, and told me how much you loved me. Well, I'm glad you liked what I brought for you, I love you so much too. Just...wish you were here....
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